Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
M
medicineislogic Asked March 2022

My mother continues to terrorize me with phone calls. How can I take back my power by saying "no more" when she can’t respect my boundaries?

Hi,


I wrote about my situation last year when I was contacted about my mother because I’m her only next of kin & went no contact with her. The hospital deemed her incompetent where she lives 3,000 miles away. I stood strong saying no to being her guardian & refused to take away her phone as their solution to her calls. However, she is at the facility & stalks me with 20+ calls/ day (I block her), blaming me for her life choices, telling me she’s being starved & continued histrionics. A good friend advised I get a restraining order on her because she’s done this since I moved away @ 18, she just had different complaints. She believes my role is to serve her & is a borderline mother who can’t be pleased. I’ve tried to speak to her, but she continues to lie, manipulate & tries to convince me I’m responsible for her. I know this isn’t true but don’t know why I even care & don’t just shut her out completely? She’s been dying or threatening suicide since I was a child. She forbid me from calling her guardian but she isn’t in her right mind. She will be angry if I call to request my mother stop calling me. I save her messages to the cloud as proof of her calls because she will deny them (usually don’t listen) except I recently did because I can’t delete/save as fast as she fills my voicemail back up. I don’t want to change my number because I’ve had it for over 25 years & it’s something I’ve kept where old friends can still reach me. Basically, she lost her rights but still uses scare tactics because I’m a pushover. I did make it clear in a brief text I’m NOT responsible for her & to threaten “ they” will come find me no longer applies because she has a legal guardian and is safe. I suggested she tell her guardian if she’s going to kill herself. She literally doesn’t understand why I don’t want her in my life & I feel sorry for her despite her being a gaslighter & her willingness to do anything to hurt me if she still could. She forgets all the horrible things she’s done since I was a child, continues to do & refuses to discuss them. The bottom line is how can I take back my power by saying no more because she can’t respect my boundaries? I miss time-sensitive calls because my voice mail is full & don’t want to give her another day of my life. Should I just contact her guardian to request she leave me alone or I will have to file a restraining order? I’m sorry I wrote so much. It’s just hard because I wish I didn’t care if I hurt her feelings. I wish I could just be numb to her but it’s not my personality makeup because I’m an empathetic person. She cries we will never see each other again & I will get the call she’s dead & it will be all my fault. She said I deserve to suffer and live with the guilt I killed my mother for the rest of my life.


Anyone who may have some advice or techniques on how to deal with her would be greatly appreciated.

Countrymouse Mar 2022
How (by what method) are you blocking her calls? It doesn't seem to be working.

On my iPhone, if I block a number then calls from it don't connect and no message can be left. So I don't understand how your mother is still able to swamp your mailbox if, as you say, you have blocked her. Do you mean you just reject her calls? - not quite the same thing.

But in general you have to take only one decisive action: stop engaging. You don't need a restraining order; you positively shouldn't attempt to enlist her guardian's support because it simply adds connections and complications; you haven't a snowflake's chance in h3ll of making her understand your point of view; and meanwhile she's 3000 miles away and can't possibly just turn up on your doorstep so if nothing else you're physically well out of her reach. Her remaining access to you is in your head, and in your hands. Do you have help from a therapist in getting control of this?

BurntCaregiver Mar 2022
Why don't we speak plainly and honestly here? If you really wanted absolute zero contact and communication with your mother or her guardian you would sacrifice keeping a phone number to have it.
She's your mother. Yes, she treated you with cruelty and abuse your entire life and still does. Yes, she is a big time gaslighter and a martyr who made you a scapegoat to blame every problem she and the whole world ever had on.
This is my mother too. Yet they are still our mothers and some part of us will always care about our moms no matter how bad they are.
She's still your mother and it's okay to want to know that she's being looked after and taken care of. This doesn't have to mean you want to see or speak to her. She will never respect your boundaries. She will never apologize for any pain, abuse, or wrongdoing towards you. She will never even consider the possibility that even one tiny part of it could be her fault.
You already know all of this, but still want her to validate your feelings. She's not going to. My mother isn't going to either.
Give up your phone number and get a new one. Call her guardian and explain that you do not want your mother having your new phone number. Then tell them that you would like to check in with them once a week or every other week, for updates on your mother's welfare. If you want to actually speak to your mother for some reason, call her but block your number so she can't call you back. If you don't know how to do this, go to where you got your cellphone and ask someone to show you how to do this. I had to have the guy show me how to do this from where I bought my phone. No shame in asking. I pay my bill every month.
This is the way to keep a connection with your mother that you are in control of. Good luck.
PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
Just put in *67 before dialing the number to block caller IDs. This works over all cell phones as well as landlines.

ADVERTISEMENT


cwillie Mar 2022
You say you have blocked her, but then you say she fills your voice mail - how is that happening? Even if you were granted a restraining order it isn't likely to deter her because she obviously has no awareness of respecting boundaries. If she has a court appointed guardian then they have authority over her in the same way a parent has authority over a minor child so I think your first step would be to contact the guardian to make them aware of the continuing harassment, although unless they take away her phone I'm not sure what they can do to stop it. Although it would be an inconvenience I think you should seriously consider changing your number.

Tynagh Mar 2022
At the risk of sounding ridiculously simplistic, why not change your phone number and not give it to her?

Geaton777 Mar 2022
She's mentally ill and you can't cure her. She has a legal guardian so her life needs are being addressed. You said you texted her and this was a mistake as now she knows if she hounds you enough you may respond. You must stop all contact with her -- it has been proven over and over that nothing good will come of it. If I were in your situation I think the "easiest" solution would be for you to change your phone number. Then do not share it even with her custodian, only your chosen family of friends. We don't get to choose our biological family but we can choose if we engage with their toxicity. You have solutions, they just are disappointing and don't make you feel good. Work on having peace in your heart that for some problems there are just no really good solutions. She's protected and cared for and now you move on with your life.

Isthisrealyreal Mar 2022
Have you contacted your cell provider and had the number blocked at that level?

If you do that, she won't be able to leave messages.

Yoy have to decide that you can't deal with her anymore or she will always be able to create this push pull in you. It is okay to decide that she is to toxic, even though she has the title of mom. It doesn't give her any right to jerk you around and make you responsible for her choices and actions.

If you can't arrive there on your own, I recommend seeing a professional to help you find a way to protect yourself from her insanity.

1st step is to call that guardian and tell them she needs to stop with the phone calls, even if that means no phone. I have gone into my dads phone and changed numbers of people he would continually call, so he would get a non working number message, just one digit can do this and is hard for a broken brain to catch, maybe that would stop her calls.

You don't have to take her abuse.

notgoodenough Mar 2022
Quite frankly, a restraining order will do nothing in this situation, because what is the penalty going to be if she breaks it? Restraining orders only work if either the offender goes to jail or stops the behavior because of the threat of going to jail. I don't think either of these is going to apply to your mother in her current situation, do you?

In the short term, as much as it is a logistical pain, you need to change your phone number. It's the only way you're going to stop these unwanted phone calls.

In the long term, I think you need to seek some therapy, to see why you are allowing her to still have any access whatsoever to you. Why are you saving all of these messages? You say for "proof" - what sort of proof do you need at this point? You have already said you informed the hospital you wanted no contact with her, the hospital respected your decision, and the hospital has deemed her to be not competent to live alone- no small feat, by the way. It seems to me that there is no "proof" required anymore, since you don't have to "prove" anything to anyone - except maybe to yourself, which is why I think counseling would be in order here.

I hope you can find a place of peace. (((hugs)))

stilldealing1 Mar 2022
You seem to still be enmeshed with your mother's drama, or you wouldn't listen to her messages, truly block her number, etc. A restraining order will do no good; she is just calling your number; a court isn't likely to issue an order against her, nor enforce it, since by reason of having a guardian she is deemed legally incompetent. The guardian won't do anything either; its' not his/her job.
You will never move past your guilt/enmeshment if you don't take steps to understand why you still allow her behaviors to reach you. Start with reading about narcissistic mothers, their affects on their children. You seem to have a good handle on the gaslighting, manipulation, etc. so use this knowledge to start purging yourself of your emotional ties. Forget asking people like your mother to respect your boundaries; they won't and they never will. If fact, it just gives them more fodder for drama. How do you enforce a boundary? Block calls, don't listen to messages, purge them from your phone. It gets easier; I blocked my mother's calls and you know what? Nothing bad ever happened; in fact, only good came of it, for me, for the first time, in my 'relationship' with this disordered woman called 'mother'. That is how I 'took back my power'. You take it, don't ask for other people to do it for you.

pamzimmrrt Mar 2022
Change your number. If your old friends need it. text or call them with it. If you haven;t heard from them in 25 years, My Dear you are not going to hear from them now. But you will continue to hear from you Mom.

lealonnie1 Mar 2022
You're still asking for 'advice or techniques on how to deal with her' yet you say you don't want any contact with the woman. Which is it? If you truly do not want any contact with your mother, then you won't get 'restraining orders' or 'talk to guardians'. You will simply change your phone number and be DONE with the whole mess once & for all. You will text your friends before you do so, and after the new number goes into effect, you will text them your new number.

Done & done.

Or, you will continue trying to figure out ways to make this work, knowing it won't.

Maybe it's best if you go see your mother and have a face to face meeting to make SURE you never want to see or hear from her again. Maybe you need more closure or resolution to this situation than you're letting on, otherwise you would have made ONE simple change by now that would have stopped mother dead in her tracks. You would have changed your phone number. But you haven't. Which tells me you want to keep the lines of communication open b/c you still hold out one tiny shred of hope here.

If so, go see her and find out if there is any. You never know. Good luck!

See All Answers

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter