You say in your profile that mom is living in Independent Living. Yet your question leads me to believe you are either living with her or she is living with you. If YOU are living with her MOVE OUT. She is an adult if she is competent, and in your profile you do not indicate she has dementia then she can figure things on her own. If SHE is living with you then give her a move out date and stick to it. she can find Assisted Living facility or Independent Living facility to move into. Or a condo or apartment. Anyplace but WITH you. If she is indeed living in Independent Living facility let her live independently, that means without your help.
Back off. By now you must realize your mother is not a "fuzzy" "TV mom". She gave birth to you and it sounds pretty much that is as far as it went. Some people are not able to form bonds, relationships. This is THEIR make up not yours. Stop supporting your mom, do not prop her up with help. She may stumble and fail but this is her failure not yours. You can refer her to resources that can help but let her do the legwork in getting the help. One appreciates accomplishments much more when it is done by oneself.
I am a live-in caregiver for my mother but always felt as strangers just living together, i have tried building a relationship with her but she refuses. I have no friends, no family, and no support system. It is betting difficult to cope living in tension and silence all day long. What do i do???
Get her out of your house & your care; it's time to live apart now; that is my suggestion to you. Break away from this dysfunctional dynamic going on and live your OWN life. Disease sets in when there is chronic anxiety & stress going on! Find her another place to live; a small apartment in subsidized senior housing, or something along those lines.
Then join a book club, a gym, a dating service, make friends that way, once you have autonomy again. It's hard to do that when you're tethered down to caring for a mother who is treating you poorly!
Per your profile: "I've cared for my mother (80, living in Independent Living) financially since I was 14yrs, but we've always been two strangers living together I have tried building a relationship as mother and daughter but she refuses what do i do? She expresses her hatred towards me and says mean things. I struggle with severe depression and anxiety ptsd and have ovarian cancer. It is getting difficult doing it by myself. I have no family friends or support system please help."
Your question is a bit confusing, to be honest. But based on your profile info, I'll give you my opinion: I had a mother who I could never be friends with, no matter how hard I tried. It was just one of those things. I loved her but I didn't like her, and I honestly feel like she felt the same way about me. Oil & water, we were, she & I. We can't force people to like us or to have strong bonds or good relationships with, you know what I mean? Your mother is mean; she treats you poorly. Why are you jumping thru fiery hoops to build a relationship with someone who doesn't WANT one to begin with? Because she's your mother? Some mother's weren't cut out to BE mothers; they were the woman who gave birth to us and that's where the nurturing stopped. It is what it is, too, and not something that can be changed.
My suggestion to you, based on what you've said in your profile, is to stop trying. Stop paying your mother's way in life. You say she is living in 'Independent Living' but then say you 'are two strangers living together.' If you are indeed living in the same space, it's time to live apart now; that is my suggestion to you. Break away from this dysfunctional dynamic going on and live your OWN life. Disease sets in when there is chronic anxiety & stress going on! Find her another place to live; a small apartment in subsidized senior housing, or something along those lines.
Stop trying to be friends with a cactus that you know is going to pinch you & draw blood every time you touch it. This doesn't make you an unlovable person; it makes HER an unlovable person with some sort of deficit. Try to move on with your own life & see to your own health issues now. Seek help for your PTSD and depression and take care of YOU. You deserve to. You are a child of God and as such, you are perfect, regardless of what your mother may tell you or how she may perceive you.
Wishing you all the best with the rest of your life, my friend
6 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
You can only change YOU.
Might you be enabling this?
Could you give us an example?
Or, did she move out of her Assisted Living facility into your home?
Or?
Clarifying this will allow us to assist you better.
ADVERTISEMENT
Yet your question leads me to believe you are either living with her or she is living with you.
If YOU are living with her MOVE OUT. She is an adult if she is competent, and in your profile you do not indicate she has dementia then she can figure things on her own.
If SHE is living with you then give her a move out date and stick to it. she can find Assisted Living facility or Independent Living facility to move into. Or a condo or apartment. Anyplace but WITH you.
If she is indeed living in Independent Living facility let her live independently, that means without your help.
Back off.
By now you must realize your mother is not a "fuzzy" "TV mom". She gave birth to you and it sounds pretty much that is as far as it went.
Some people are not able to form bonds, relationships. This is THEIR make up not yours.
Stop supporting your mom, do not prop her up with help. She may stumble and fail but this is her failure not yours.
You can refer her to resources that can help but let her do the legwork in getting the help. One appreciates accomplishments much more when it is done by oneself.
Then join a book club, a gym, a dating service, make friends that way, once you have autonomy again. It's hard to do that when you're tethered down to caring for a mother who is treating you poorly!
"I've cared for my mother (80, living in Independent Living) financially since I was 14yrs, but we've always been two strangers living together I have tried building a relationship as mother and daughter but she refuses what do i do? She expresses her hatred towards me and says mean things. I struggle with severe depression and anxiety ptsd and have ovarian cancer. It is getting difficult doing it by myself. I have no family friends or support system please help."
Your question is a bit confusing, to be honest. But based on your profile info, I'll give you my opinion: I had a mother who I could never be friends with, no matter how hard I tried. It was just one of those things. I loved her but I didn't like her, and I honestly feel like she felt the same way about me. Oil & water, we were, she & I. We can't force people to like us or to have strong bonds or good relationships with, you know what I mean? Your mother is mean; she treats you poorly. Why are you jumping thru fiery hoops to build a relationship with someone who doesn't WANT one to begin with? Because she's your mother? Some mother's weren't cut out to BE mothers; they were the woman who gave birth to us and that's where the nurturing stopped. It is what it is, too, and not something that can be changed.
My suggestion to you, based on what you've said in your profile, is to stop trying. Stop paying your mother's way in life. You say she is living in 'Independent Living' but then say you 'are two strangers living together.' If you are indeed living in the same space, it's time to live apart now; that is my suggestion to you. Break away from this dysfunctional dynamic going on and live your OWN life. Disease sets in when there is chronic anxiety & stress going on! Find her another place to live; a small apartment in subsidized senior housing, or something along those lines.
Stop trying to be friends with a cactus that you know is going to pinch you & draw blood every time you touch it. This doesn't make you an unlovable person; it makes HER an unlovable person with some sort of deficit. Try to move on with your own life & see to your own health issues now. Seek help for your PTSD and depression and take care of YOU. You deserve to. You are a child of God and as such, you are perfect, regardless of what your mother may tell you or how she may perceive you.
Wishing you all the best with the rest of your life, my friend