He is very paranoid about the finances. He is retired military after 30 years of service. He is independent and loves news. He is very intelligent with financial information (stocks, bonds, mutual funds, IRA, etc) and we have it all. He is an avid coin collector and we need to start liquidation of them soon. Im just worried he won't work with me on all this before he won't remember much of this. I frustrated because I need to get this all worked out. Need some advice.
Worried in Tx.
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A coin collection can be sold off at any time; that's not a pressing matter. An accurate appraisal of the collection IS an important thing, however, so don't go rushing into some random coin shop and selling it off willy-nilly!
Do you have a financial planner who's been managing all these stocks, bonds, mutual funds & IRAs, or has DH been doing all of it on his own? If he's been managing these investments online, then he has passwords that you need access to. It's time to sit down with him & have a frank discussion about how you need to be let in on his 'secrets' about the finances, ALL of them. My father was the only one privy to the financial info in our household b/c my mother kept her head buried in the sand; she didn't even pay a bill or write a check, so when it came down to the nitty gritty, it was ME who had to take over everything! She had no idea what to do with anything anyway. Are you capable of taking over the finances, should he allow you to? That's a fair question to ask. If the answer is No, then you need to get a financial advisor on board to help you; get all the finances set up in one place with one person overseeing them FOR you; otherwise, you'll be in over your head, like my mother would have been w/o me. I liquidated their holdings and got set up with Ameriprise where all the assets were in one place, and from there, I was able to manage all the finances. Yes, there is a fee for such a service, but to me it's well worth it b/c I would not be able to do it all alone on my own! The Elder Care attorney can also advise you on such matters. I get the feeling that you've been kept in the dark about your finances too, like my mother was, and you'll be floundering around yourself, which is a scary prospect to face. Especially if he gives you flack as many old-school men would do. The little lady stays in the kitchen and the man handles the money matters. Until the big strong man gets dementia and then everything blows up like a bomb. Sigh.
Do you have children who could also advocate for you and help you, like I did for my folks?
Please make an appointment right away with a Certified Elder Care Attorney to get ALL of these issues addressed; the POA, possible guardianship, the letters Alva mentioned, the finances, wills, all of it. You need guidance and with God's help, no pushback from DH on any of this. Stubborn agitated behavior is nothing unusual when dementia is involved, so I sincerely hope DH is on board with being open and forthcoming with you.
Best of luck with all you have on your plate. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for strength.
My BIL was 20 yr Military and his wife handled the money. Has ur husband always been controlling when it came to money or now paranoid because of the Dementia? Money seems to be a big thing to those who suffer from Dementia.
You must have a financial adviser. Is your name on everything or just as beneficiary. If you are joint on the accts then the adviser can talk to you. If you don't have POA you need to get it while ur husband understands what it means. Make sure its immediate since he already has a diagnosis. That way you don't need a doctor saying he is incompetent to make the POA effective. Once you have that an adviser can talk to you. You have a very good reason for needing to know what assets you have.
It doesn't matter how intelligent you are, Dementia effects everyone who suffers from it the same way. There will be a point you may not be able to care for him. This worries my husband but he is 5' 10" to my 5'. I had problems with my Mom and we weighed the same. DH weighs 200lbs.
I think you should sign up there and start reading. It will clarify lots for you and you can ask questions...no one will excoriate you.
Did his doctor explain to him what it means and were you present?
Why do you have to liquidate coins when you have no idea what you have or how it is held?
You need to see an elder law attorney now. You will need two letters regarding your husband's diagnosis of dementia. You may need to apply for guardianship. At that point this is going to be a question of keeping your eyes open, on where the credit cards on, on statement, on accounts, and I am praying this is not online.
Is your husband aware of his diagnosis? Have you ever before handled finances? Do you understand anything about your current finances. Have you made wills? Do those wills include DOPA often called Spring POA.
You honestly need a lot of help here, so is there a sister or brother for advice?Any children? Close friends? Faith based community to help you speak with your husband if you cannot do this alone?
I think you have good reason to be very worried. Collect all the information you can including passwords for account when your hubby is away or out of the house if he will not speak with you; you may need to sleuth. It is time to get your name added on the bills if this isn't already done.
I am so sorry. This shows how much "too late" it can become when these issues aren't addressed early on.
I would start with getting an hour of time with Elder Law Attorney to say "I am here because I need to know what I don't know and need to know."
I wish you the best.
Look, if you have been married for any amount of time and you are not equal partners in managing the retirement accounts, then you've got an issue that pre-dates his dementia.
My husband and I are in a second marriage (nearly 20 years) and while we have entirely separate finances, I tell him about everything I'm doing in terms of asset allocation, Roth conversions and planning when to take SS.
If this hasn't been the way things have rolled in the past, can you pinpoint why?