What can I do when my parent refuses help from anyone else?

Your mother proved to you how she CAN & WILL hire help when you're not available as she did for that 4 week period when she used an agency! You have been ALLOWING her to run and to ruin your life for the past 11 years because you can't and won't say No due to unfounded feelings of guilt and obligation. What would mother do if you died? She'd function, that's for sure, and find somebody else to lay the FOG on nice and thick! FOG = Fear Obligation and Guilt, look it up and read all about it while you practice telling mother how you're no longer available to her and No, she WILL NOT be moving in with you, it is out of the question. It IS impossible, not "almost" impossible.....totally and completely. Ask her what OTHER options SHE has in mind for her care now that you are no longer in the position to be in that role? Put the problem back on HER to resolve, as the adult she is.

What mother asks to MOVE IN with a daughter who's sick and scheduled to undergo serious surgery???? A very selfish and egocentric one, that's who! Take off the rose colored glasses and see the truth for what it is!

Pick up a copy of Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend while you're at it, and devise a plan of how to take your life back and set down the necessary boundaries to do so. Your health is on the line now, so please don't wind up dying before your mother does!!!!

Please let us know how you're doing and best of luck with your upcoming surgery.

Jengagurl, please note that up to 40% of grown children who are caregivers to a love one pass away leaving behind the person they were caring. Then what? Those aren't good odds. Time to hand the reins over to someone else.

As long as you are doing all that you do for your mother, you are preventing brother from having his opportunity to care for his mom.
It will not be the death of her to learn new ways. Brother is not you but that doesn’t make what he has to offer wrong or bad.
When my sister developed cancer, I told her she was out of the caregiving business. She lived near my mom. I was three hours away. I took it on and came once a week to do it all. I was already handling the medical and financial. I added the cleaning and cooking. I also hired a housekeeper towards the end.
My brother also rose to the occasion and took on daily chores. We weren’t always gentle nurses. We talked back and once or twice made someone we had never seen cry have pity parties. We didn’t put up with the things you mentioned but we took care of our mother and did everything we could for her as she wanted. She always had a choice but so did we.
My mother used shame on us as children. We used it right back when she was insensitive to our needs.
Old people get very self centered. They seem to feel their very life depends on it. But amazingly they adapt when they have to and sometimes they are happier for it.
Turn in your resignation and share the labor of love with brother. I wish you all the best with your surgery and recovery. Let us know how you are doing. Big Hugs

You need to stop. The illness could very well have been brought on by stress.

Put you mom's number on silent and do not call her back. Necessity is the mother of invention. Take care of you and if mom needs that much help then it is time for assisted living.

Repeat "I cannot possibly do that!"

Is this relationship codependent? Find a therapist to help you end this.

"I think if I lay down the law she will go begging my brother to take care of her. Which I know he doesn’t want to do. But he may agree because of guilt. I wanted to be her caregiver until she passed away but at this point she is in better health than me."

So let your brother do it because of guilt. Who cares? The important thing is to remove YOURSELF from the picture. 11 years of caregiving slavery? Haven't you don enough? You've already gotten stress-induced conditions, right? Do you want to caregive yourself right into the grave? What about your husband? What about his feelings? Your life with him?

Mama's called the shots for way too long. Time to take control of YOUR life.

(P.S. And why won't she even consider letting your brother do anything for her? Why is she intent on taking over your life only?)

I think you found your sticking point. When you said "I wanted to be her caregiver until she passed away". You are so dedicated ❤️💙😥 but everyone needs a break now & then. Everyone needs to address their own health issues & now is that time for you.

Some rephrasing may help? Instead of feeling like you are letting her down, by taking time out for your own very necessary needs, think of the wonderful care you have given her. Your help allowed your Mother to live in her home way past the level of her independence. You gave her that amazing gift. Be proud of that!

Book her the agency care she needs & take the time out you need.

You know her... whether she will turn her campaign towards your brother. That's ok. I say that - not to dump onto him, but it's ok that he will find his own boundaries. Give him the care agency Manager's number. He can't fix Mother's old age either! If Mother wants to blame him - suggest he tell her to blame Mother Nature instead.

Wishing you health & a speedy recovery.

You can not feel guilty for caring for yourself. Your mother is putting immense pressure on you to care for her while your own health needs attention. Outside carers or a facility will take care of her while you are recovering. You haven't failed and you are not obliged to sacrifice your own health and future for hers. My father put off a medical procedure to care for my mom. She was adamant she didn't need help or would only allow him to help. He had to place her in respite care and died days after she went in. He never got the medical care he needed because he was caring for my mother. Your mother may not like it, but outside carers or respite care is better than damaging your own long-term health.

“She allowed an agency for 4 weeks only. As soon as I was cleared to drive she fired the home care.”

Just how did she know you were cleared to drive?

stop the insanity

Really sounds like you need to focus on your health. I think you are right it would be too much for you and your husband to take in your mother. Sounds like you really need a permanent change for your mothers care. You need peace and low stress to recover from surgery and health issues. Take care of yourself. Hugs!

I don't think she should move in with you when you're recuperating.

She needs an agency to care for her regularly OR she may need to move into AL or a nursing home.

A 2-hour drive, even once you're better, is no longer manageable.

It would be nice if she could live in an AL or Nursing Home that is close to you.
All this said, not sure if you're well enough to look into options right now, so she'll need to rely on an agency in the meantime.

I feel like your good nature has been exploited and now you're paying the price.
Please don't bring her in your house or guess what -- you'll be caring for her while YOU'RE trying to get better.