My obstinate MIL (97) insists she can still do “everything.” When is it time to take a stand on transporting boiling water, baking, cooking, frying, etc.?

My Mom is the same way. She states she is perfectly fine, and can do everything. However when I stayed with her for a while, it helped me to observe she was not capable "at all". Now we have caregivers come in Monday-Friday, but I give her a break from them on weekends because it stresses her having them around. I think caregivers are a great idea for your MIL.

When she sustains a burn bad enough to go to the ER, it is time to stop the "hot stuff." Maybe somebody else can take over the cooking and promote her to sous (prep) chef and teacher (tells others how to do it right).

Shari49: "Waiting for something to
happen" may not be a good idea. Transporting boiling water in such a manner is risky. Depending on the severity of the burn (think second degree or other) and no doubt her thin skin as she is elderly, it may take longer to heal.

Something is happening if she gets burns that take months to heal. Does this happen often? Or is it as rare as it would be for a younger person? Transferring water on the seat of the walker sounds smart to me. She may be lacking the strength to carry it any distance. I hope she puts a hotpad on the seat of the walker under the boiling water and moves slowly. If she's still able to operate without accidents most of the time, perhaps she can go on a bit longer. It's a balancing act between being a "nanny" caregiver and letting her be as independent as possible as long as possible. All the best to you all!

Thank you. Most helpful. My husband ( this is his mother) is POA and I am passing along your advice. I’m dealing with my own mother in the depths of dementia. I think his mother is just beginning.

Try hiring some homecare help for her. I've been an elderly caregiver for a long time and have had clients like your MIL. Women who like their own cooking. I would help them with the things like the boiling water and taking things out of the oven. I'd do things like the chopping, pouring, grating, and clean up. Pretty much I'd cook the whole meal but in such a way that the person is believing they did it. A good caregiver or companion has this skill.
We always prepared enough with a client that if they wanted more could just heat it up in the microwave or toaster oven.
A little coordinating of your MIL's kitchen won't go amiss either.
I remember one client I had. An old Italian lady with mobility issues who cooked all her life. It's hard to give that up.
She didn't trust microwaves and didn't have one. She had a toaster oven with an automatic shut off. We moved this over to the kitchen table so she could sit while heating something up and also eat at the table. Her family bought her a Keurig coffee pot (also on the table) to use instead of her continuing to us the little coffee pot on the stove. She had an electric water kettle too. A little rearranging worked wonders for her. I came in four days a week to help her. She lived to be 105. At 103 she did move into a lovely AL facility where she was happy until she died.

She probably is proud that she is still able to function so well at her age. Yes, bakers get burned. Ovens are hot. I don’t know what she is doing with boiling water but perhaps an electric kettle would help her? Would be a nice Mother’s Day Gift unless learning something new might be more dangerous?
Pick up the book “Being Mortal, Medicine and What Matters in the End” by Atul Gawande. Someone as active as your MIL is not going to be happy sitting on a shelf. They equate usefulness with a reason to live.
My DH aunt has a photo of her 100 yr old great grandmother (passed many years ago). She is tending her vegetable garden in the photo. It is a clipping from a newspaper where they are reporting that she still cooked, did her own laundry, lived alone. For her 100th she asked for a dance. Her grandson built her a dance floor on her lawn, hired a band and gave her a party where she danced. She died at 100 yrs and 10 months.
The really old do look so fragile and sweet. We don’t want anything to happen but, of course, it will. Death will come one way or another. Most people face a certain amount of danger each day just living life. Something will happen. I hope she goes peacefully in her sleep. She sounds very special.

Are you her DPoA? Is she managing all her other ADLs?

If you are her PoA then arrange for a medical "check-up" for her, then at the appointment discretely hand the nurse a pre-written note outlining your concerns for her safety and request she get lab work for a UTI and given a cognitive/memory test. If she does poorly on this test, then your PoA is most likely activated and you can then work to make her qualify of life better and safer (but do it diplomatically). If she's not too bad, then you have a baseline from which to judge future decisions.

If you aren't her PoA, you would want to encourage her to create this important legal protection for herself. Then get her tested.

The beginnings of dementia often look like stubbornness and obstinance.