I posted a few questions concerning my relationship to my brother and how that is affecting my family dynamics. Thank you everyone who replied with positive words. I do feel better. One last question related to the issue:
My brother is decent person or rather he has done many decent things. He does good things for people, including me, and has paid a lot of money for the care of my father who definitely deserves it. My brother is actually more than decent. But recently his deception and pushyness to get me to sign a contract he knows that I had already told him was not something I can do at the time makes him look like an a-hole! Plus there's this little bit of superiority that he and his family exhibit towards me that bothers me. His wife was literally given millions of dollars in a trust fund. My brother earned only a fraction of his family's weath.
I am having a hard time reconciling the fact that he's overall a great person but then treats me this way. My theory, off the cuff, is that he's a great person when he's got the control, and the money, but when that's at risk he reverts to underhanded, a-hole behavior. Has any one else experienced this phenomenon?
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Frankly, this makes you sound merely jealous and blurs whatever point you are trying to make here. You keep going on about the bigger decisions, well which ones except these aides? You’ve made it clear you’re not taking on paying for them, which means he will, which is what dad wants.
Bro could have just said that he can’t afford and put all the caregiving on you. Seriously, is that what you want, for you to be The Person and get the respect you seek that way?
What Big Decisions is he cutting you out of right now?
Second, I'm not jealous of them at all. I am happy for my brother or rather was. Now I know that maybe he's not in as much control of the funds as I thought. I have lived a good life, too and frankly while I know people have been jealous of me (I hate that fact) I think others consider me as a good role model for the things I have done and continue to do.
Now the big decisions My brother has recently told me by chance that it may be best for dad to be in a place that has certain services and amentities. He went to visit the place months ago and didn't ask me to go with him nor did he let me know that they had been considering it for some time now. When I expressed possible concern about the location (it's urban with probably more crime) my brother brushed it off and it's totally clear they will be making the decision without any input from me.
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Your brother can be a very decent human being and just feel like he's being taken advantage of here by paying a ton of money for dad's bills. Which he or his wife really shouldn't be doing in the FIRST PLACE. Whether his wife is a millionaire or not is beside the point, really, b/c even millionaires don't like to keep writing big checks every month for a service. It tends to go against their grain, oftentimes.
You may want to have a REAL heart to heart talk with your brother, esp if the two of you have always had a good relationship. Ask him what's REALLY going on here? And why he's treating you the way he is; that it's hurting your feelings (when you treat me like this, it hurts my feelings, is the way to phrase it, which is less confrontational than accusing him of doing something wrong). Tell him you do not want anything to come between you and hurt your friendship, and the relationship between you, he and your dad. If you use that approach, he may open up and tell you the truth. Once you know the real reason he's acting this way, maybe then you can arrive at a satisfactory compromise of some sort. Maybe dad can even pitch in some of his own $$$ (like SSI for instance) towards his care, which is not an unreasonable idea. If you can afford $300 a month, for instance, and dad can afford $200 a month, then the two of you can contribute $500 a month towards his care & your brother/SIL can finance the rest. That may be the 'compromise' that works.
Good luck!
That is the source of all this angst, right?
Just as an example, my parents' resources paid for their care. What my or my brothers' earning were didn't enter into any equation or conversation.
AND yes, your SIL's money is hers, not your brother's and certainly not for Dad's care.
My SIL's money pays for the services but she's married to my brother and that's the way they worked it, at least that's the way it's been. She loves my father.
If you don't want to assume the responsibility in a contract, just say so. Tell your brother you can contribute X amount of dollars per month toward Dad's care, and that's it. From your description in the last post about this, it sounds like you've given him these wishy-washy answers about what you can afford "right now," but no actual figure he can work with. The two of you need to come together to decide how much you each can contribute toward Dad's care, then go from there with an actual budget.
Your brother isn't treating you in a particularly negative way from what I can tell. I imagine he's fairly frustrated at not getting straight answers from you. Have an adult-to-adult conversation and try to leave the childhood issues behind. I see that coming through in your posts and recognize it from some of my interactions with my own brother over the years. However, my parents chose to make me -- the younger child -- their POA and successor trustee, and now my brother treats me like an equal because I'm the one handling all the finances and now all the estate business. He seems to be impressed that I know more about investments than he does, and as I've moved multiple times over the years for job relocations, I know a lot more about how to hire Realtors, clear our homes, and myriad other life skills he doesn't have. We're on a very equal footing at last, and it's been much nicer for both of us.
His wife's money is legally is hers but they are married and all major expenses are paid from her. She loves my father and at least for a period of years there was no issue with paying. Now that I'm physically nearby for some reason they expect that the expense should be shifted to me.
We all have our triggers, quirks, whatever you want to call them.
You deal with what you have, ignore what you can and try not to let someone piss you off so much that you are the one that ends up looking like an ahole to everyone else.
Stick to what you know is right for you.
it is called establishing and keeping BOUNDARIES.