Dad wants to remarry. Any advice?

I have a feeling your dad is already 'reacquainted' with this lifelong family friend, since his wife has been out of the picture with dementia for the past 3 years. He's likely moved on, mentally & emotionally, for quite some time now, whether you realize it or not. That can be a hard pill to swallow, I know, but you should also try to realize that dementia is horrible for all the surviving family members. It took an awful toll on ALL of you, but especially on dad who's had to deal with her, up close & personal, for the entire time. He's probably ready to move on 'already', even though it's only been 3 months since mom has passed. She's REALLY been 'gone' for over three years now.

While I agree with you that he should probably wait a year, at 81, he doesn't feel like he has that time, and he may not. Leave him alone to make his own decisions now, what other choice do you have? He's entitled to have happiness now, after all the suffering has come to an end.

My condolences on the loss of your dear mom. Wishing you all the best as you process all the grief and all the changes that are coming. May God give you peace & acceptance in your heart for ALL of it.

I remember reading about a man that was in his 70s, I think, and after the death of his wife wanted to remarry shortly afterwards. When asked why he was in such a rush he said "At my age I may not be here tomorrow".

My GFs Dad was in his early 80s when he wanted to remarry a woman from Church. She was a sweet lady but was not looking for marriage. We actually heard her tell him that she had her life and family and he had his. They did "date" until his death.

Me, I don't think anyone should date until a year after a spouses death. You should give yourself time to grieve and plan on how u want ur life to go. I do understand a spouse being ill for years with no coming back from the illness, like Dementia, and the other spouse finding companship. But marriage is a big step especially a second one with kids.

You could tell Dad its OK he remarry but maybe he should wait a little longer before tying the knot. You should not remarry out of loneliness. He also needs to put his ducks in a row and so should she. Both need POAs and it should not be each other. They should not co-mingle assets they all ready have. I say this because there are posts that a stepchild is POA, takes their parent from the home living the step-parent without enough funds to live on. If they want their children to have those assets, then both need to get Wills saying this. And the spouses need to make sure each is protected financially. I know a woman who married a man who not long after they married he was diagnosed with ALZ. She cared for him till he died. He had left his home to a grandson not setting up a "life estate" for the now wife. The grandson kicked her out.

I like Alvadeer's setup of living together without the actual piece of paper. I don't get people at 80 plus years old remarrying because it just creates legal complications when one of them dies. Maybe dad should get a hobby instead of a wife.

My FIL at 80 is on wife number 7. I feel bad for wife number 7 because she has no idea the monster he really is. He can pretend long enough to get them to marry him and then his real evil nature comes out. Unfortunately he learned after wife 4 and now picks specific women who won't divorce him so it is to death do they part. So far he is still alive and they die from the nightmare they married.

If you father is mentally competent, nothing could stop him from remarrying. However, from the practical point of view it will be a tremendous mistake, because he would soon be paying the financial and emotional consequences of a rushed marriage. Your father is in a very vulnerable situation after losing his wife recently. Waiting until things cool down will be the smartest thing to do. If you father has started with dementia, it should definitely not be allowed.

Are you saying that in essence Dad has been without Mom for three years even though she's been dead for only three months? If so, he's probably done grieving and is now ready to rejoin the land of the living.

Good for him.

For so many men, living alone is unbearable, and to ask him to wait some random amount of time is unfair if he's alieady been without companionship for three years. I would assume anyone who knows your mom was sick for so long wouldn't begrudge his choices now, or if they did, they'd keep their opinions to themselves.

I'd just suggest to Dad that his new relationship has some different legal ramifications and he see a financial planner in advance of the union and also ensure his trust, will, and POAs are in order. Everyone -- Dad, his children, his lady friend and her children -- need to be on the same page from the beginning to avoid any heartache when one or the other of them becomes infirm themselves.

Tmcarson, first my heartfelt symphony on the passing of your Mom.

This may be your Dad's future plan since he is 81, but would it be the long time family friend's plan? She may not be interested since she was also friends with your Mom.

What is the long time family friend's background? Is she a widow? Have grown children? If she has been a widow for quite some time, that would tell you she hasn't been out there looking to re-marry. If she had never been married, I doubt she would welcome this idea.

Um.

I think, if you were to know the whole story, that Dad and Friend might have been giving this thought for some time already. And, indeed, have been waiting with decent restraint.

In which case reacquaintance has probably already taken place - though again, there's no need to suppose that any offence against or disrespect towards your late mother was involved.

If you can manage it, remember that they probably don't feel they have time to spare and just be happy for them.

Marrying older raises valid questions about who does for whom should increasing care become necessary. If she’s the one left living last, does she then get all his money? If she ends up needing more toileting or bathing, would you be as willing to do for her as dad? Are there children or grandchildren who haven’t quite thrived and will it now be your dads burden to move them in, pay for their school or whatever? The same questions also apply to dad and his family.

If they get married, the scope of filial responsibilities changes as well as the money.

The heart wants what the heart wants, and as Burnt mentioned only way to know it is a mistake is to try it. You can speculate all you want but without letting him try no one will ever know.

They say it is the men who marry again very soon, who have little tolerance for being alone. He knows this friend you say, lifelong, so I think that he has as good a chance as waiting. I agree with you that he would be better to wait a bit, court a bit, get to know one another, perhaps even do that thing young folks today do, and live together. I am with my now third relationship and we have chosen not to marry. We each raised two children. They are grown and our grandchildren now are grown. We have lived happily together now for 35 years as "partners". We are often called married and we even exchange cards if the one we like says "husband" or "wife". We are DPOA for one another if needed, as a "first" should be be able to do that duty still. We keep our finances separately and share bills, costs of living and such. I have life estate in my partner's home should he pass before me and me still able to do home and garden. Our savings, if we don't outlive them, will go to our children of our early marriages. Works for us. Don't know if it would or would not for your Dad but it's a thought.
I would guess he has as good a chance at a solid relationship as not. Were I left alone now I would not have the guts to try another relationship again; I would be happy to rest back and live the quiet life. But men often want a companion. I would understand/approve/whatever if that were my partner's choice.

You just won't know if it's right or wrong unless he just does it. Time will tell. It's great that you and your family are supportive of your father.
I know a woman who was married for 30 years to her husband and she adored him. When he died her race to remarry was on. She was trying to replace him. There can be new love and relationships, but not replacement.
Ask him to just do one thing before he walks down the aisle. Ask him to talk to a therapist twice a week for three months before getting married again. To do this for his own good to make sure he's marrying for the right reasons and not because he's trying to replace his late wife.
Him and his new spouse will be miserable together if that's what he's doing.