Is it normal to feel offended when the parent you take care of views you as his/her hero?

I'm thinking of "love bombing" when I read this. Specifically, attempting to influence a person by giving them attention and affection. I have an aunt who did this to me for years:
*You're the only one I can TRUST
*You're the only one who UNDERSTANDS
*No one CARES the way you do
*WHAT would I do without YOU
*You're always THERE for ME
*You're ALL I've got
*You're such a SPECIAL person
*You're such a GOOD listener

Sounds innocent enough, but it actually became quite abusive and frightening over time as her demands on me increased, the yelling also increased, and she dropped her filter (which allowed me to see what I was being sucked into). I bristle at anything anyone says about me being just SO great. However much time I have left here on Earth I will always have that lingering fear that someone is trying to "love" me into submission.

I think most of us who don't like these words of praise from our family member we take care of is because we aren't doing it necessarily because we want to, but because we have to..... and we resent it. So, we definitely don't want praise. I wish I felt differently about the caregiving, but I don't.

I get it.

Every time my Uncle sings my praises to me and everyone else, I feel the leash tightening around my neck for the following reasons:
-He can’t live without me
-I’m the only one who can help him
-because I’m so great he doesn’t need anyone else to help
-It tells everyone else he’s doing great and we’re happy as clams
-He’s pacifying me so he can be in control of the me and do NOTHING to cooperate with his care. Classic Narcissistic Misogynist.

However, not everyone is as calculating, manipulative and passive aggressive as he is.

I gave care to my parents, two brothers and my uncle’s wife who have all passed in the last 10 years. His wife, my Aunt (my mother’s side) three years ago when he captured me. When they all thanked me for being there for them I only wished they didn’t have to. When he goes on about how great I am I feel suffocated. It’s almost like the three bites of a vampire to make me his.

Being called a ‘hero’ by SOME
seems intended to put higher level of expectations and commitment on the caregiver. In my Uncle’s case it has proven to be pure manipulation of my good nature.

This may not be very helpful but taking the time to examine what’s going on in my life and expressing these feelings has been for me.

Bless you all ❤️

Grr... I just cringe inside when I hear:

You're my hero.
You're a saint.
I'm so lucky to have you.
Your mother/father/LO is so lucky to have you.
You're so lucky your mom/dad/LO is still alive (with dementia).

blickbob, what you're feeling is actually normal. Don't feel bad or ashamed for having that normal feeling. I totally get it.

It's like being called a 'saint' by a family member when we know darn well we are NOT a 'saint' b/c we certainly don't FEEL saintly for being cast into this role of being a caregiver. We feel angry & resentful, we yell or lose our cool when we probably shouldn't, yet here's these people calling us SAINTS when we know better. You are being called a hero when maybe you don't feel like a hero, deep down inside. I get it.

Considering you a 'hero' also obligates you to KEEP on BEING a hero because hey, if you give up and stop the caregiving gig, then you're no longer a 'hero', are you? Being assigned a label such as that does serve a purpose, you know. Wink wink. Make no mistake.

In my humble opinion blickbob, it's time for you to resign your role as a Hero now & look into alternative care options for your parent. It's okay to now take on the role of Son and get rid of the obligations that are now threatening to overwhelm you. Enough is enough.

There is nothing wrong with, and no shame in, crying uncle. And letting your parent go into Assisted Living or another type of managed care option. I honestly feel like my mother lived as long as she did precisely BECAUSE she had the great care and socialization she was offered in Assisted Living and Memory Care later on.

Wishing you the best of luck thinking about YOUR life now. You deserve to.

As we often say in my local caregivers support group, "there's only one Savior and it's not you,"(or any of us)so please start taking care of yourself and start looking for what is now best not only for your parent, but also for yourself.
Not all of us are cut out to be caregivers and that's ok. That's why there's many choices for in-home care(from outside providers)and many choices when it comes to placing out loved ones in the appropriate facility.
I wish you health and happiness as you now put yourself first.

I'll be the first to say THIS: feel however you feel! They are your feelings, unique to your human existance. They are yours. They are valid.

I haven't even read past that line, sorry. Will cont...

It's Friday night here. OK by me to pour emotions out.

My next impressions are you are a little caught in 'black & white' thinking. Like I'm a hero vs I'm useless.

Caregiving (like life in general) is so so many shades of grey!

No-one is a perfect caregiver. What's a hero anyway?
The dictionary defines "hero" as "a person of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his or her brave deeds and noble qualities."

If your Mother thinks you are a hero, wear that cape with honor. She means she loves you & thanks you ❤️

Or is the term 'hero' being looped around your neck as a device to keep you as her servant...

I get you. I went 50 years without my mother's approval. Since i (stupidly) let her move in over a year ago, now all of a sudden it's "What would I do w/o you" "You'll never know how much I appreciate you" "It's amazing to see how much you do" and my favorite, " I never knew you were such a good person"! It makes me sick to my stomach.

"Hero" can certainly be a trap. Others use it to indicate there is something special about you that makes you such a good caregiver - with the implication that they lack this special quality so therefore can't be expected to do anything.
Your mom will increase the compliments any time she senses that you are thinking about setting limits or making changes.
My suggestion would be to start seeing a therapist with experience in caregiving who can help you choose what you want to say and practice role playing it...sets the words so when mom balks/cries/love shames you, you won't be sucked right in.
Look into hiring a caregiver for 4 hours 2x/week. And leave the house. Be available by phone, but make it clear to your mother that you will return at the appointed time. If she refuses to let caregiver help her, she can just wait until you return.
If she is rude to the caregiver, tell her you will try once more, with a different caregiver.
If that doesn't work out either, then you will find her a place at a nice care home and will visit her a couple of times weekly.
You need to have your own adult life - how the heck can you get a haircut or medical or dental care or an uninterrupted cup of coffee? And it's ok to tell her that.