I just found out a couple of days ago via text message from my sister that my mother is on hospice and is dying but this came after lying to me 2 days prior when I asked about her condition and sister replied everything is fine. My sister also has stated that my mother wants nothing to do with me or my daughter and states my mom will not speak to us or see us to say goodbye. My sister hates me and 11 years ago told my mother the only way that my sister would take care of her or her finances was only if my mom agreed to never speak to or see me or my daughter again for the rest of our lives. My mom briefly agreed and moved in with her and was forced to change her trust and put her as executor. My mom realized how horrible the mistake she had made a couple of months later and called me telling me what had happened and insisted that I come and move her out of my sister's house immediately while my sister was currently in liposuction surgery. I had to find somebody to help go to my sister's house and move my mom's things out before my sister got home so that my mom could safely get away. This angered my sister beyond belief and ever since then has had hate towards me and has wanted to get even anyway possible. Now I find out out of the blue my mom is on hospice I didn't even know my mom was sick. I have no way of knowing if this is true but in my heart I know my mom would never ever do this unless my sister was forcing her to do this. I live 6 hours away from my mom. I want to go see her and say goodbye and make peace with her. My sister refuses to allow me or my daughter to do so and has informed me that if we show up she will contact the police and promises that there is no way I will be allowed at all to see my mother. I am devastated. I already lost my dad 11 years ago. I was his caretaker and I know that this would make him so sick too know that my sister is keeping me and my daughter from seeing my mother before she dies. I know this is what my sister has done to my mother and my mother is on her deathbed and is not allowed to see me. It is killing me. I don't know what to do. I know my mom would never have this kind of hateful feeling or resist me wanting to see my mom. If I don't get to see my mom before she dies I will not be able to get over it or heal I am virtually on the verge of committing suicide at this point I feel so abandoned and I don't know what to do legally. Can I do anything legally to get proof, like have my mom take a lie detector test ordered by a judge to prove my sister is forcing my mother into refusing to see me and my daughter??? I don't know what to do. I know this sounds crazy but I'm desperate and I need help this will literally kill me if I cannot see my mom before she passes away please anybody help I need help.
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I'm sorry to hear about the difficult situation with your mother and sister. We're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please reach out to experts for additional support by calling the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
You've already received a few excellent responses. I'm sure other caregivers will be along shortly to provide more words of encouragement and advice. Hang in there and please take care of yourself!
Consider seeing an elder law attorney to ask if you can find a legal way to visit your Mom on an "accompanied" visit, this meaning there will be someone to monitor interaction. If that doesn't work you may speak with APS and tell then your Mom is on Hospice and your sister not allowing visits; ask them if they will accompany you for a visit.
If, while she was in surgery, your Mom was removed from the home she lives in, I can imagine your sister will hesitate to allow you to visit unaccompanied.
As to what your Dad would feel, the undertaker and poet Thomas Lynch says that "The dead don't care" and says that when someone is dead there is NOTHING you can do ABOUT him, TO him, WITH him or FOR him.
So try to stay focused on your goal, which is to tell your Mom you love her and will always think of her. I admire that you want to say goodbye to your Mom and tell her you love her.
I would throw myself on your Sister's mercy were it me, telling her I will visit briefly, will allow her to be with me, and will say NOTHING about the past, just only that I love Mom and will always remember her and carry her with me.
Remember, this isn't about your Dad, your Sister, or even YOU. This is about bringing peace to Mom, and thereby to yourself.
So my brief letter to my Sister would be something like:
"Please forgive me for any pain I have represented in your life. If you cannot, I understand. But can you forgive me long enough to tell our Mom goodbye? Would you allow me to come to see her, to say nothing of the past but only to tell her I love her very much and will always remember her. You can be in the room with me. I recognize all you have done for our Mom. I am begging this of you. If you cannot do it I understand, but would you allow me to write Mom cards full of love and good memories that you can read to her?"
If your sis says no, then that's on her. You can see an attorney and ask if you can have an accompanied visit at that point. Or ask APS if they can accompany you for a simple visit.
There is a lot of water under the bridge that none of us can be aware of when you write a Forum. And of course we have no power to do anything but wish you the best, and whatever will bring most peace to all of you.
Again, because of your mention of suicidal ideation, I want you to know the hotline, 800-273-8255 is always available 24/7 and listed on internet.
You need to seek help for YOURSELF when this is happening for you. You also mention trying to get a lie detector test for your Mom. This is inappropriate for a dying woman, and I think somewhere you understand that. So do get yourself help. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very best.
Admins: reporting my post so you can address.
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Have you telephoned her?
Why would your sister who hates you so much even tell you Mom's sick and dying? This makes no sense.
If you insist on going to see Mom, the best thing you can probably do is be proactive and let the police or Adult Protective Services know you intend to see her and that your sister is threatening you. If your sister calls the cops on you, they'll have heard from you first and you may be treated differently if the first call comes from her.
If Sis has power of attorney and Mom is not competent, she can keep you away all day long, but if Mom is competent, she can see who she likes.