I posted recently about a bad situation with my brother. I think I know the answer to my question but I'm so stunned by what has happend that I am questioning myself (and my sanity!) Here's the conversation which happened (details removed for privacy and is a general, condensed description of the conversations but the gist is true).
Brother: Hey, dad will be going to (place) from now on.
Me: Oh, that's great. I've be been telling him that he needs to but he always tells me he's not ready yet.
Next day:
Me: Hi dad, I'm so glad you will be going there from now on.
Dad: What??? That's not true.
Me: Brother said that you are.
Dad: No, we never had any discussion.
Next day:
Me: I talked with dad. He said he never agreed or even discussed what you said.
Brother: Ha, ha. He doesn't know it.
Me: What?
Brother: I'm just going to take him there.
Me: Shouldn't you have discussed it with him?
Brother: Ha, ha. This is what I am doing.
Me: Did you consider that he may protest?
Brother: I don't want to hear it.
Me: Ok, I want to tell you you about an incident that happend to dad the other day.
Brother: I don't want to hear it.
Me: It's important.
Brother: If you say one more word I am hanging up!
Is this a healthy, mature discussion? Is there any possibility that my brother was right talking like that to me? I can't get it out of my head that he wouldn't let me say anything. Any words of advice are appreciated because I literally have no one I can ask.
19 Answers
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Id move back.
Now it turns out you don’t.
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I used the past tense but I currently don't know if a place has been selected. I can't trust my brother in that regard but I can trust him to make sure my father has a good level of confort. If it's not we'll move him to another place.
Brother holds all the cards here, and you are gonna have to help him make the best of whatever place bro selects.
Dad's insurance is paying for the assisted living, he says. So the good news is he will have people looking out for him 24/7 and me and my brother can rest easy and visit when we like.
It's amazing that this morning I was thinking of just leaving and going to someplace, someplace place warm, but now it appears there is some stability in the situation that will last.
Thank you to everyone who commented, good or bad! It's not over here but if anything radical happens I will let you know.
So listen. Assume that every convo you have with dad will be repeated to brother. You need to regain brothers trust, not the reverse, to ensure that bro allows you to visit. And should you get that, don’t think the challenge will be done.
If your dad is like many, he will be calling you to rant about how it’s horrible to be in with all these old people. How he can’t be that bad. Etc. You are going to have to tell him that you agree he needs to bring it up with bro as opposed to say promising that you’ll nag bro on his behalf, ie can I tell you something about dad.
I would say your brother is to the point he does not want to do this anymore. That he just wants to get Dad placed in an AL so he can go on with his life. A decision has been made and Dad and you will have to except it. He WILL be OK in an AL. He may find he likes it.
Give brother some space. Let him do what he needs to. You can then visit. Maybe buy Dad things he needs. Take him to lunch or dinner. Take him for rides an icecream. But if you don't back off brother can make it so u can't see Dad.
Bro has POA.
Dad need a higher care level but doesn't want to pay (or pay more).
Bro needs a new care plan for Dad.
You have not said yes to being Dad's new care plan. (Am I right there?). So AL has been arranged.
So, again I don't know what you want?
Is it for things to stay the same? For Dad not to be getting old? For Bro to keep paying/care duties & missing out on his own life?
Do you want Bro to be taking orders from Dad? Like when you were kids?
Do you want Bro to do things your way instead?
What ARE your suggestions for a new care plan for Dad?
If dad is the priority, then you’re going to have to show you’re mending relations. Which bluntly means kissing brothers butt.
Moving on now.
Your brother has the POA. Your Dad needs a level of care that brother, for whatever reason, does not want to fund anymore. So decisions need to be made. Dad will now have to pay for that care in his home or go to a nice Assisted Living. Brother no longer wants anything to do with Dads care. So he is doing the next logical thing and placing Dad where he is safe and cared for. Then when brother is traveling he does not have to worry about Dad. If you are not willing to care for your Dad, then stay out of brothers way. I mean the hands on caring Being there 24/7.
If you are not the solution, you need to back off.
Have you volunteered to brother what you’re gonna do once he is placed. They usually hate it when they are. Are you willing to stand up to that?
Brother or his wife are done paying for the aides, you cannot pay for these aides, and bro has now made the decision to place. He’s a big control freak (as are you) but he holds all the cards here as you have admitted.
But look, there is a rule about this, and the rule is: lead, follow or get out the way.
So when it comes to your father's care, which do you want to do?
Your brother is behaving like a three year old, sticking his fingers in his ears with his lalalacan'thearyou. Can you see why he might not want to listen?
Out of interest, what was the important thing you needed to tell him about?
But that would mean daddy would have to stop living his lavish lifestyle courtesy of your brothers wife.
Dad has taken advantage of your brother and his wife for far too long. If you don't want dad to live in a facility then move him into your house.
You know that he is telling you things because he knows that you are telling your dad about every conversation and that is immature behavior on your part.
You know the score and you just keep stirring the pot to have your dad upset about what is going on. You, yourself have said his memory is bad, so you have no realistic idea what was said to him and what wasn't.
When people interfere in my responsibilities and cause grief and hardship, I tell them things that aren't true to get them worked up, sounds like your brother has your number and enjoys jerking your chain.
Adults don't keep trying the same tactics over and over once it has been proven to be a waste of time. You keep going back and that puts you at fault. Stop and it will stop.
I know you think everything you have done is right, so no need to tell me again. I don't agree with your interference and nothing you say will change that.
Obviously there's tension between you and your brother.
Analyze your statements, your brother's reaction, and yours in response to his. If it's not consistent with a "healthy, mature discussion," how are you going to handle it?
you have been writing to us now for several threads. This all seems very repetitive. In fact, but for your brother shouting "SHUT UP" at you in the last conversation, this is pretty much a repeat.
Your Father moved to be near your Brother and your Sister-in-Law. He asked your brother to act as his his POAs. You then followed to move YOURSELF to the same area. It seems every since there has been dissension between you and your Brother.
You have posted several conversations such as the one above to us, asking for our opinion.
In return for our honest opinions you have told those of us who dare disagree with you that we need to get "some things through our thick skulls" and that we are "Bozos".
To be frank, our opinions about your conversations with your brother are entirely irrelevant.
The Forum isn't here for you to argue your position with US.
We don't know you.
We don't know your Father.
We don't know your brother.
And we don't know the attorney you tell us you have.
In short, it little matters WHAT we think about the maturity level of you, your brother, your father, your sister-in-law or your attorney.
1. as i said on your previous post, i hope you’re not pulling anyone’s leg.
2. you said your father is mentally competent. if that’s true, no one can force your father to go to AL (previously you said it was AL). tell your father that.
3. tell your father please: if he doesn’t like his son’s decisions as POA, he can easily revoke the POA. (you said, no way your father will revoke the POA). but seriously, tell your father he has that option. one can always feel different later: let him know he has that option.
4. your brother towards you? you brought up your school report cards (A’s), good letters from school princiPALS (not “principles”). so OP, please go ahead, you answer the question.