Is it better to have a family member with dementia tour the facility they are being placed in prior to move in?
We have made the hard decision to place our Aunt in a wonderful memory care facility close to us. Should we take her to see the facility, her room there, etc. prior to the move in?
I did take Mom with me the first time I checked out a local AL. The Administrator recommended it. Have no idea what she was thinking but she was not happy. A few months later was looking for respite care. Found an AL was having a half price sale so placed Mom. I did not take her before hand. We told her then and 8 months later when I had to place her in LTC that she was going to a nice apartment and would be making new friends. I was lucky, she excepted that and adapted very well.
You might consider this; clearly you know your Aunt better than we do. Up to you to decide if it is good to ask her if she would like to live there or not, or to tell her that she WILL be living there. Ask if you might attend bingo or art class at the place. Ask the admins what they may think of the idea. Sure do wish you good luck. My brother's place was an ALF, and I would think it would work "better" if Aunt was going into ALF; at memory care level this is all much more uncertain. My bro's place was built on a sort of cottage idea with about 14 rooms and a common dining/game room and common TV /lounge. We visited a few time to see which cottage he might like best. We talked with residents, we sat outside. He already had an ex partner/good friend there. All that helped. Much depends upon who your Aunt is, and as I said, you know her best.
🙏🏻🕊 So grateful that you took the time to share your experience with me!!! Finding the right care and messaging is truly challenging, and our Family appreciates your willingness to share your experience with us.
We told my mother that she was moving to new apartment with people who will keep her safe.
If we had toured before, she would have forgotten the next day. At that point, her memory was less than 30 minutes. A year later, and it’s about 5 minutes.
Best wishes. I know it’s a hard decision, all around.
🙏🏻 🕊 Great Idea!!! My goodness, Thank you! I am overwhelmed with the compassion, knowledge, experience and helpfulness of each of the answers I have received today from this community. Thank YOU for sharing your experience and perspective! Oh, I can’t tell you how grateful I truly am - these perspectives truly have me thinking in a different way than I originally did about introducing my Aunt to the community.
If the decision has already been made to place your Aunt in the Memory Care AL, then no, I would not bring her there to see the place beforehand. All that will do is open up the possibility that she'll refuse to move and kick up a huge fuss, making the actual move that much harder for all concerned.
Instead, focus on staying with her during the move, getting her acclimated to the new space, meeting the residents/nurses/staff, helping decide where to place things in her room, etc. Your goal is to have her feel comfortable and at home in her new room vs. stamping her feet & refusing TO move in the first place, which CAN happen when dementia is at play!
I moved my mother (at 92) from the regular AL into the Memory Care bldg after she had a stint in the hospital and rehab for 3 weeks. I told her as few details as humanly possible about where she was going and why, just that it was necessary for her to move to a different bldg b/c her mobility issues (wheelchair) could no longer be accommodated in her old bldg. There is a limited understanding on their part with dementia to begin with, so keeping things as simple as possible is KEY, in my opinion
Wishing you the best of luck with the move & I hope your Aunt likes her new digs!
🙏🏻🕊 Oh - Thank you! I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you took the time to share your experience and your perspective with me and this community! Sending you so much love, thank you again! Hugs and smiles!!
I'd say it depends on how far advanced her dementia is. I took my mom to see her room before we moved her to a skilled nursing home because she was already familiar with the place having been a volunteer there for years.
However, when I decided to move her to a memory care, I did all the research and touring myself. She was in no condition to be schlepped around town even for the one visit because I was moving her 40 miles away and it wasn't feasible. We did spend the entire afternoon on moving day with her to get her settled, I sat with her while she had lunch, and eased my way out rather than dropped her off and left her alone and bewildered.
Is your aunt able to understand what's going on? Does she know what a memory care is vs. assisted living? Some people get scared to know they'll be living with "crazy" people -- I know my mother would have been -- but once she's there and thinking people are pretty much OK, it's not as frightening.
I'd consult with the people at the MC and ask what they suggest. Every person is different, and sometimes the fear and agitation of knowing what's coming is worse than making the change all at once. Only you really know your aunt and what's best for her situation.
🙏🏻🕊 Thank you! Such a detailed and thought provoking answer. I am really struggling with this and Covid protocols don’t make the decision any easier (to visit the facility ahead of placement with my Aunt or not to visit). I think all of your suggestions are “right on” and I am so very grateful to you for them. Hugs and smiles!!
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If we had toured before, she would have forgotten the next day. At that point, her memory was less than 30 minutes. A year later, and it’s about 5 minutes.
Best wishes. I know it’s a hard decision, all around.
Instead, focus on staying with her during the move, getting her acclimated to the new space, meeting the residents/nurses/staff, helping decide where to place things in her room, etc. Your goal is to have her feel comfortable and at home in her new room vs. stamping her feet & refusing TO move in the first place, which CAN happen when dementia is at play!
I moved my mother (at 92) from the regular AL into the Memory Care bldg after she had a stint in the hospital and rehab for 3 weeks. I told her as few details as humanly possible about where she was going and why, just that it was necessary for her to move to a different bldg b/c her mobility issues (wheelchair) could no longer be accommodated in her old bldg. There is a limited understanding on their part with dementia to begin with, so keeping things as simple as possible is KEY, in my opinion
Wishing you the best of luck with the move & I hope your Aunt likes her new digs!
However, when I decided to move her to a memory care, I did all the research and touring myself. She was in no condition to be schlepped around town even for the one visit because I was moving her 40 miles away and it wasn't feasible. We did spend the entire afternoon on moving day with her to get her settled, I sat with her while she had lunch, and eased my way out rather than dropped her off and left her alone and bewildered.
Is your aunt able to understand what's going on? Does she know what a memory care is vs. assisted living? Some people get scared to know they'll be living with "crazy" people -- I know my mother would have been -- but once she's there and thinking people are pretty much OK, it's not as frightening.
I'd consult with the people at the MC and ask what they suggest. Every person is different, and sometimes the fear and agitation of knowing what's coming is worse than making the change all at once. Only you really know your aunt and what's best for her situation.