My father blames me for causing his Parkinson’s. How do I stop believing his accusations?

Good morning, all!

Update on my progress:

Really, it's the 1st time I see what's happening:
-control tactic
-projection

Until now (of course I know many of the things I hear are untrue), the pattern was kind of like this:
-My father says some negative thing X (which sometimes sounds valid) (let's say X doesn't concern me, it's just a complaint about something unrelated to me)
-I used to try to deal with X then; fix; think of solutions
(Over and over, same pattern)

Today I saw:
...that the complaint/negative things...have really (there are a few exceptions) NOTHING to do with a REAL thing...
...I mean it is REAL. But it' just an opportunity to say something NEGATIVE.

For the 1st time today, I didn't deal with X:
I just told myself (control tactic, projection), just wants to talk about negative things. Ignore.

I kindly said, "I love you", and that I had to go (which is true).

Thanks! I'm making progress.

Blamed, something else to keep in mind; many of us (myself included) are inveterate "fixers"--we hear about a problem and we go into "superhero mode", trying to come up with a solution.

Two things to remember about old age and chronic illness.

Sometimes, there is no "fix".

And sometimes, there is no "best solution". There is only the least bad one.

It sounds like your dad is venting. Responding with "I love you" is an awesome and sweet reply to his negativity.

Hello Blamed,

Please change your name from Blamed (that’s what your father wants) to something else.
:)
How about Treasured? Appreciated? Cherished?

Hello Appreciated,

It’s a lie that you in any way caused the Parkinson’s or made the disease worse.

You don’t have the power to do that.
Did you inject your father with Parkinson’s disease?
Did you manipulate his cells, one by one, so that Parkinson’s will progress?

If anything, with your help, I bet you made the situation of having Parkinson’s a million times better for him.

Hello Appreciated,

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
And actually very mean of your father to blame you, and he probably noticed you believed him, after repeatedly telling you that you’re the cause. Kind of like mentally torturing someone.

Poodle Doodle

Have some backbone here man. You can choose to care for an old man who has treated you like garbage for decades but next time he says you caused my illness you look him right in the face and say no I didn't. People on this site just let themselves get walked all over.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with the accusations. You need to take care of YOU!

Is your Dad living independently or in Assisted Living? If he is living independently, do the research now, to start getting your Dad into Assisted Living/Memory Care. Also, if he doesn't have caregivers, start the process of finding an agency. Also, give up thinking that you will inherit anything from him other than a potential bad attitude. Also give up thinking about any relatives "helping" you.

In my case, I tend to only remember the good in people and downplay the bad (that is a side effect of the abuse that my mother inflicted upon me). Therefore, to make sure that I made the right decisions, I journaled what my Mom said and how I felt. Also in that journal, I documented what ideas I had for an action plan on how to get out of the abusive situation that didn't involve relatives. I went to Senior fairs to see what options were available and to generate new ideas. Yes, it was a lot of work, however, I knew that if I didn't thoroughly research, I could end up regretting my actions and second guessing the consequences.

Then one day, I had enough of the abuse and I put a plan into action. Within a month, I had moved Mom into Memory Care. It has been 2 months and so far, I have no regrets. She cries and whines about how bad the food is, how they ignore her, how mean they are to her, how I don't visit enough, and she doesn't want to stay. However, I walk away without much guilt because I know I could no longer do day-to-day care of her. I review my journal entries to reflect on how life was when I was in her clutches and write new journal entries.

I don't know if I'm a better person. I do know that visitation is optional. Therefore, when I go to see her, I start with a good attitude. I know I can leave at any time and know that someone is there to take care of her. When she starts accusing me or exhibits any of the nasty behavior, I honor my boundaries and tell her that my visit is ending. That is how I'm dealing with all the accusations, her bullying behavior and overly critical nature. I know that her accusations will not stop as they haven't for over 60 years of my life. Therefore, all I can do is remove myself from the toxic environment.

Good luck to you.

Hi SP19690,

I hope your day's going great!

You suggested to me:
"stop all contact with him."

I'll continue contact. I will help my father. I love him very deeply. 

Again, thanks for your warning:
"If you can't separate yourself from his abuse then you need to go no contact. He will destroy you long before he is 6 feet under."

I promise, I won't let anyone destroy me.

dear appreciated (i agree with poodle, your name should be changed from "blamed" to "appreciated"),

try this, in your mind:

:) “Sorry. Yesterday was the deadline for complaints.”

this way, you simply don't accept complaints anymore (your father will continue, but you mentally block it; the deadline passed already, yesterday).

Hi. Fellow only child, scapegoat and fixer here. Took me years to shed the guilt. I now see how pathetic it is to try to absolve oneself of all responsibility through blaming another. The mental gymnastics required to contort reality or coincidence into controllable or blameable events in order to protect one’s perfection must be exhausting. Or it’s the go-to defence of the immature.

When I was a child my father had a stroke. My mother blamed me and, from that day on, if I disagreed with my parents or did anything “bad”, she insisted I would kill him with stress. At 18 I moved away. He died a few years later anyway.

l learned, after he died, that he’d had very high blood pressure for years before I was even born. Incidentally, he never alluded to any link between me and his health.

Now my mother has dementia. For years she blamed me. Her wildest accusation involved raging at me, demanding to know who was paying me to make her think she was losing her mind. Because she wasn’t. Her memory was fine. It was obviously my doing.

I remained calm, spoke softly, and acknowledged her anger, frustration and fear of losing control of her life. When I really wanted to yell back “Think you can match what they offered me to kill you?!?”

My mother had a large tumor (Stage 3) removed from her colon in January. It was the first time she'd ever been hospitalized for a (non-cosmetic) surgery she didn't initiate to feed her vanity. She doesn't believe in doctors or medicine unless they make wrinkles and fat disappear.

Leading to this, she'd stopped eating food but drank more until she finally was bedridden, dehydrated, almost delirious, and having abdominal pain. My sister and I took her to the hospital under protest.

For 6 weeks post-op, she refused to even try to recover and starved herself down to 88 lbs.

She now says, "I'd be fine if I'd never gone to the hospital. They did this to me." (She's also got advancing dementia.)

By "they," she means me and my sister. We know she'd be dead now if we hadn't stepped in.

We've had a lifetime of similar verbal abuse. We're in our 60s now and limit visits. We walk away if she starts replaying old tapes. At some point you have to say, "Enough's enough. I don't deserve this BS."

He has latched on to that confabulation because it strikes a nerve in you. Pretend that it roles off of you and change the subject and/or leave his presence. Do not tolerate the conversation. Consider: the saying “what you allow will continue”. (And consider changing your user ID to something that does not include the word “blame”.)