How to cope with emotional blackmail of my narcissist elderly mother?

In my opinion, the way your mother treats you is not loving. No one should force someone to choose between their own life and caring for them. Your mother sounds like the one who is uncaring and selfish.

As long as you feel guilty, you will never resolve this. I am sure she is contributing to your depression and anxiety.

I think you need to stop taking 10-12 calls per day and say you will only speak to her once per day, or even less. Also, stopping going out there so frequently and for such extended periods of time. If she needs additional help, find paid carers.

(((((((HUGS)))))) lonelyplanet. Dealing with an abusive narcissistic mother is very difficult. As others have said you have been trained to fulfill her needs and ignore your own needs. The way you are feeling right now is due to that.

You can't change her or make her happy. You can't make anyone else happy - only yourself. She has you in the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. No matter what you do she will not be happy as that is not what she wants in life.

Narcissists need a narcissistic supply of attention and your mother is getting that from you by your long visits and you answering all her phone calls. That is not healthy for you or for her. The more you give her the more she wants and the more your life is governed by her. That is not good for anyone.

Your feelings are the feeling of someone who is being abused. The good news in that you can stop the abuse. Not by changing your mother, but by changing your behaviour towards her and stopping being her narcissistic supply. Don't worry about her - she will find someone else to give her attention.

She wants to be the center of your universe BUT your children and husband and yourself have to come before her.

You can't fill any one else's cup if yours is empty. You sound pretty empty to me which under the present circumstances is not surprising. Your mother drains you. You need filling up - time away from your mother - phone calls and all, and time with your family and time just for you.

At one point I cut my BPD narcissistic mother off for a year. At another point I let her calls go to voicemail. Did she like that - no. Did she get angry? Yes ! What's new? That's manipulation. I got on with my life.

Giving up your job to meet the demands of a mentally ill person is not a good thing. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. You will get lots of support here to cut the unhealthy cords binding you to your mother. I know it isn't easy but it can be done. I believe you can do it. The more you distance yourself from your mother - physically and emotionally the healthier you will get. Personally I would take a complete break from contact for a month or more, then limit answering the phone calls to whatever you feel you can handle - once a week or whatever and limit your visits. You are not obliged to visit her.

Your mother will probably call in what we call the flying monkeys - well meaning relatives - to get at you when you have cut her off. Don't pay too much attention to them either. Just look after yourself and your hub and kids and enjoy them. Do things that build you up, focus on your own needs, plan to enjoy something every day. You deserve it.

Dear Lonelyplanet: Mothers high in narcissistic traits groom their children to feel responsible for their happiness, which is neither right nor fair. It sounds like you're essentially on the phone all day listening to your mother's FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). Why does your mother do it? Because it works. This is why you feel "bad and guilty." I'm guessing these feelings are the source of your chronic anxiety and depression.

Why do you comply (at your own admission) with your mother's emotional blackmail? You've described her as having a "nasty tongue." You quit your job and leave your husband and children for weeks at a time to appease her. You owe it to yourself, your husband and children to reclaim your life from your mother, who will not stop her demands. You must put your foot down and stand up for yourself. It's your mom, not you, who is "uncaring and selfish."

Boundaries are essential to restore your well-being. Establish those boundaries and defend them. Allow one or two brief calls a week. Block your mom's phone number if you must. Stop running to these 6-week misery-visits. No wonder you're anxious and depressed! Trust me, her response will be explosive; she'll ramp up the emotional abuse when you put those boundaries in place. Remember, these boundaries are for you, not punishment to her (although your mom will see it that way. Too bad!) Each of us is responsible for our own life and happiness. Take back yours, Lonelyplanet, now! (((Hugs)))

Only answer one of her calls each day and tell her you're only going to visit once every six months and only for two weeks at a time. When she cries and yells, put the phone down and take a walk around the room so you don't have to listen. If on your next visit she makes you miserable, tell her you're skipping the next visit and will consider returning for the one after that only if she's nicer to you. Stand up for yourself and she'll either throw you out or start being nicer to you -- either way you win.

You're trapped by your own ambivalence. You hate and you love your mother at the same time. Until you make your mind, nothing will change.

Why did you have to leave at age 16? Of course you don't have to answer if you don't want to.

If she's calling you 10 - 12 times/day and it's 40 mins/call, that is about 6.5 - 8 hours/DAY on phone calls with her? That is absurd! You NEVER get away from this woman!

It sounds like she is equally abusive to your brother. What does he think of all this? Do you think the two of you could take a united stand and stop her abuse of the two of you?

Lonelyplanet: Good evening. I just wanted to reach out to you again. I hope that you are feeling better this evening. Caregiving is hard work. Even though my caregiving has ended, I do try in some small way to encourage others. Sending hugs and love.
Llamalover47 💛

See if you can get another job, or your old job back. Quitting your previous job was a mistake. Not to blame you or anything! Just saying that quitting your job opened your world up to Mother being the center of it.

If you aren’t currently getting help— be it therapy, meds, or both— get help ASAP. Depression and anxiety will eat you alive.

Being away from your husband and kids for six weeks is too long. They come first, not Mother! No matter how much you talk to her or help, it won’t be good enough for her. You will never earn her love or appreciation.

”I love her SO much and all I want is to see and hear her happy.” Why do you love her so much? She treats you terribly and you aren’t good enough for her. She doesn’t sound like a loving mother. Narcissist parents seldom are. Stop trying to earn her love.

Give up on wanting to see her happy. This will not happen. Narcissists are never truly happy. It’s like thinking you can eat tubs of ice cream for a week, while hoping you don’t gain weight. Not possible! You might wish for it, but it won’t end up like you hoped. All the love and good intentions in the world won’t work. You are only punishing yourself and made to feel in the wrong.

Not saying you should never see or talk to her again. Just stop the multiple phone calls and extended trips to see her. A week would suffice.

No one should be calling you selfish. However, I understand how much it hurts when someone says it. My own mother would call me selfish pretty routinely because she knew it devastated me. Being called "mean" would be easier to tolerate because it's more like I could do a mean thing now and then but "selfishness" is more like a deep character flaw - which I must then somehow prove to HER that I'm not selfish. You will not win that battle. She will always come up with a reason why you are selfish and it's your fault. Do the proper soul searching and set the boundaries. Just because your mom says it, does not make it true!

Lonelyplanet: Caregiving is very hard work. Please reach out immediately to a medical professional for your depression. Do not take your life by your own hand. One of our administrators had posted the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline phone number further down this thread. PLEASE phone that number immediately.

Dear OP, this is insane! Of course your mother ‘doesn't think she is going to make it’. She isn’t – we all die. Just agree with her. And of course you aren’t ‘torturing her to death’, and it isn’t ‘all your fault’ - it can’t be, you aren’t even there, long distance torture isn’t yet invented. Why are you listening to this rubbish?

If you ‘don't answer her call, she will call my husband or my son'. You need to talk with them and develop a joint strategy. You can’t let yourself and your family be ruined like this, emotionally or financially, and your husband and son need to step up to the plate too.

You need to see that she can’t ‘make your life a misery’. You decide on the misery, not her. If that’s what she is trying to do to you, you need to step away. She’s had most of her own life, you now need yours. Be brave! Be sane! Be sensible! Yours, Margaret

Your mother can't make your life a misery by PHONE! Let her calls go to voice mail and have your husband and son BLOCK her number. I'm serious. This behavior on her part is outrageous but its you who's allowing it. One phone call per day from her for 15 minutes is PLENTY. You've said you're anxiety ridden, depressed, and now you "don't want to live anymore" yet in the same breath ask, Am I wrong? No, you're not wrong, you're being cowed by a manipulative old woman who's got a huge stranglehold on you, for some reason! SHE is the one who's torturing YOU to death, yet filling your head up with nonsense about her misery being your fault! You need to put an end to this self imposed nightmare immediately.

Let her know how the future will play out. One phone call per day will be taken bc you do not have time for more, period. One overseas trip per year you'll take to see her bc that's all you can afford and your family needs you at home. Period. That's it mother, all I have left in me to give, and if it's not enough, we can cut out these ridiculously miserable calls ENTIRELY. Hang up the phone at the first sign of her mentioning "she won't make it". The guilt trips end HERE AND NOW mother, enough is enough.

Boundaries are vital with these types of women. Because nothing you do will EVER be enough ANYWAY, so why are YOU leaving your blood and guts on the floor for her? When my mother pulled out the I'm Jumping Out The Window card, I'd remind her she lived on the first floor so she'd need a better plan to off herself, that wouldn't work. Or she'd run out in traffic to kill herself that way. I'd remind her she was wheelchair bound so running wouldn't work either. Trying to get a rise out of you CAN'T WORK or the antics just get worse. Call her bluff. And hang up the phone every single time she starts in with the head games so she KNOWS you mean business. If she gets mad, too bad. You're mad too and on your way to the doctor for medication to deal with her B.S. to boot. No more. Let today be the day you stand up for yourself and your rights and say I'm not gonna take this crap ANYMORE. And mean it.

These women have never been told to sit down and shut up and THIS is the result. #Truth

Take your life back, my friend, you have that power.

THANK YOU all for replied...So nice to be able to speak to you guys and thanks for answering.
My mum called tonight for 40 min crying and saying that I am torturing her to death and she doesn't think she is going to make it and it's all my fault .
She will make my life a misery if I don't answer her call .she will call my husband or my son's.
I never tell her what we do as she always antagonize me by saying I have a good life and she doesn't.
I have to go back and see her and just stay for two weeks. It's a very miserable trip.
I don't want to live anymore ...

Holy Hannah!! If she is calling you that much it once an hour for over 1/2 hour!! During waking hours. How do you get anything done? Can your brother put a stop to this? Once a day is plenty,, insist and make it stick!

Is this a cultural thing that children feel they have to bow to a parent. If I did thisvto my girls they would say "Mom Stop". And they would be right. MIL lived 16 hours away. When the kids were young, we went to visit 1x a year. When we retired it was 2x a year with one being Thanksgiving. Christmas was for my grands. Never did she call multiple times a day. My DH called her every Sunday. After her DH passed she was alone 20 yrs. Not that she didn't try to get DH to move there but she did have a life of her own. She passed at 92.
And my DMom only called when she needed me or to tell me something.

To be honest, I think 1x a year is enough for no longer than a month. 2x at the most. You have a husband who probably love u home. £700 works out to be about $1000 in Amercan dollars depending on the day. I think ur Mom expects too much. Time for boundries. Pick up the first call and if its nothing but berating you tell her time to stop. If all she is going to do is berate u when she calls, then you will not be answering her calls. She does not need to call u 10/12x a day. Once is enough just to check in. I would also tell her you are going to need to scale down ur visits. Its becoming too much. You have to set boundries for yourself.

No is a one word sentence

When saying the word No, you are not responsible for the reaction u receive.

Guilt is self-imposed - no one can make u feel guilty if u don't allow it.

Tell mom to call 1 time during the day, give her a time that is good for you.
Answer 1 call a day from her. Let the rest go to voicemail.
If she starts in complaining, getting nasty tell her that you will not listen if she continues to talk in that way. If she continues HANG UP. No good bye just hang up and do not answer until her next call is "due".
Tell her that you have done the best that you can do and she can not expect more.

Don't take bait that she tosses out. that is a sure way to get into an argument and many NP feed off that. Do not feed the beast. (I am not implying or saying your mom is a beast, just the saying is appropriate)