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Sunset86 Asked March 2022

I need guidance and don’t know where to turn. How do I help my brother?

My 84 yr old mom is so hard to deal with. My brother lives with her and it is even harder for him. Her short term memory is awful. I could spend a day with her and when I leave she immediately forgets I was there. She tells my brother that me and my sister don’t love her and only want money from her (no she doesn’t have much). She won’t answer the phone and rarely will take the phone from my brother to talk to me. When he does insist, when she is done talking to me, she yells and swears at him for answering the phone. I am on all her accounts and sometimes have to help her with her finances. Which, after the time I help she gets upset with me saying she doesn’t need my help. My brother quit his job to stay with her. So, I insist she pay he bills and groceries. She says he has to “learn”. He is 59 yrs old. He knows! So she gets upset with me and gets me upset, then she forgets a minute later what happened while I’m upset all night cuz she can be so mean. She makes up stories and is paranoid. For the last couple weeks she won’t leave the house for church or grocery stores. These have been the only places she would go to for the last few years. She gets hyper focused on one thing and won’t stop until she wants to, regardless if it makes sense or not. It is exhausting! The crazy thing is if you met her you wouldn’t necessarily know she was like this and has dementia. She still showers and gets dressed. She washes clothes over and over. Changing lots of times. She forgets she just washed them. My brother says it keeps her busy so he just lets her. I get that:) she has bladder and bowel issues that when I tell the dr about it she says she’s better now, she’s not. She’s not a wanderer. She still knows us. Tho, she thinks my sister is stealing from her all the time, and my sister rarely sees her and has no access to anything.


as many of you say, she is not my mom anymore. I miss my mom. I just don’t know what to do. How do I help my brother? The paranoia and depression is working into him as well. He has his own issues and this just feeds into it. She knows her home and her money. She would never agree to moving or even let help come in cuz she thinks everyone will steal from her. I have brought people in for home repairs cuz she won’t let my brother. But I have to be there. And she gets mad at me for doing it. The house needs so much work. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle things. Do I just let things go as they are until she doesn’t recognize us anymore? Or doesn’t take care of her hygiene anymore? I don’t have POA and frankly afraid to bring it up right now! Any suggestions?

ArtistDaughter Mar 2022
My brother was only 70 when died, but your mom seems a bit like him in that she doesn't want to take care of her health. He, I finally learned when he became really ill, had agoraphobia - fear of leaving the house. He did not have dementia, but it seems your mom very well might and that is probably playing a part in her not wanting to leave the house for doctor and dentist appointments. She's probably afraid of the unknown and only feels safe at home. Oh dear. I really feel for you because if she doesn't go she will just get worse and worse physically. Perhaps you could give her a step by step idea of what the trip to the dentist or doctor will be like and assure her she will be accompanied and taken care of while out. Maybe two people with her, but do take JoAnn's advice on letting the medical professionals know what is going on at home. My mom would trust professionals. Could you get the receptionists at the doctor and dentist to send her letters stating it is critical that she goes for her appointments? My mom always believed such things. And it is actually true.
Sunset86 Mar 2022
Thank you for you input.
geddyupgo Mar 2022
This is a hard one; so sorry you and your brother have to go through this. Based on her behavior, it may be too late for anyone to get PoA or Medial Proxy. Schedule the appts as JoAnn29 has suggested and see what those exams determine. And yes.... type the notes for the doctor in 14 arial and give them to receptionist to give to doctor before hand. Try to escort her into the meeting with the doctor and stay there so you can hear what she/he says because in case Mom forgets to put you on the HIPPA form there is going to be very limited communication between the doctor and you (privacy rights and all that). Regular doc for standard physical and lab work and Neuro for nuerological eval. You still may have to deal with her slightly wicked personality but at least you will know where you stand. Also, blessed brother needs to be freed so he can get back to some kine of work because as was noted earlier, Social security goes back 38 years. He could be doing his own "golden age" in by having left work to care for Mom.
Please keep us updated!
Sunset86 Mar 2022
Thank you for your experience. One of the difficult things is getting my mom to a dr. She won’t go for any tests. We see her GP in June. We don’t remind her about her appts until the day before cuz she gets so mad. She has macular degeneration and every time she has an appt with the eye dr she gets all upset and swears at my brother and says she doesn’t want to go. I haven’t taken her to the dentist in about 3 yrs and believe me I’ve tried. She lost her fake teeth (she has front ones) and won’t let me take her to get new ones. She insists they are in a lost and found somewhere! Can you imagine? But I won’t give up, I’ll keep trying. I might try just making an appt and saying she is overdue for a cleaning and pretend That I told her about the appt the day before I take her? She manages to eat but I can tell it’s hard for her that’s probably why she eats so much ice cream:)

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JoAnn29 Mar 2022
The only thing I can suggest is a good physical. Labs will show anything physical. Neurological eval will show signs of Dementia. Write down what you have experienced and give a copy to each doctor. That way their questions can be directed towards the problem. Give these note to the receptionist asking the doctors read them before they see her.

Only make your observations short and one page. If you can type them in 14 font, easier to read.

1. Dresses and washes clothes several times a day
2. Thinks children are stealing from her

So on and so on. Before you can do anything, you need a diagnosis. Your brother should not be given up his work experience. It will effect his SS which he is close to being able to apply for. SS only goes back 35 years. Lets say brother does not work 10 of those years, his SS will only be based on 25 of those years.

You may want to start with Office of Aging to evaluate Mom for services.
Sunset86 Mar 2022
Thank you. I will definitely use some of your suggestions.
againx100 Mar 2022
Sounds like a tough situation. I think with dementia, the patients don't have all the symptoms or not all the time, so that makes it a little confusing. Just because she can remember X or do Y, does not mean that she doesn't have dementia. Not saying I think you think she doesn't have it but her behavior is pretty "normal" in dementia land.

Her condition probably makes it impossible for her to give anyone POA.

It's really hard to know how to proceed. Bottom line is she needs to be kept safe. And your brother needs to be kept sane. If she won't allow caregivers in her home, she is going to probably need placement at some point because there is only so much your brother can do. He's going to burn out. As will you.
Sunset86 Mar 2022
Thank you for your response.

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