Any experience moving someone out of assisted living?

Moving back in with you isn't the answer; moving her into another Assisted Living residence is, in my opinion.

~Costs are a known quantity BEFOREHAND, and something your mother should be paying for.

~Walking a dog in AL by the staff is something that generally costs more; get that in writing before the lease is signed. "Periodic" walking of the dog is way too vague & suggestive of double talk.

~Twice weekly showers is the norm; that should also be in the lease and not something that's open for debate.

~If your mother is having THAT many issues with her phone & TV remote, it is suggestive of dementia. At 89, has she been tested with a cognitive exam by her doctor? Know what you're dealing with at all times in terms of mom's health, both mental & physical. It's not the ALs fault that mom can't work her phone & remote.

~Everyone 'hates the food' in AL, it's the law. If the elders have nothing to complain about, they have nothing to TALK about together at all. I know from where I speak; my folks were in AL for 7 years. They'll have good meals and bad meals, but always always dwell on the bad ones. Meanwhile, very few elders lose weight while living in AL. You do the math on that one.

~Stump the pavement & find a facility that has good reviews online; preferably one that's NOT corporate owned (if possible). Speak to the residents about how THEY like living there, and how long they have. Indicative of quality of life.

~AL provides autonomy for the elder and the possibility of a longer life. I have NO doubt my mother lived to 95 precisely b/c of the quality of care she received in AL and then in Memory Care AL.

~Find an Al that adheres to the policy that the social director comes to the resident's apartment to get them to come and join in on the activities every day; that was the policy at mom's AL. They discouraged hiding out alone in one's room.

~Don't force mom to move in with you b/c YOU think it's the better idea; allow mom to make her own decision. Get her a very simple remote for the TV and a very simple phone, too. If dementia is at play, find out so you'll know; with dementia comes the inability to work any and all mechanical devices at a certain point. In the meantime, write down instructions on a large index card for mom to refer to, which is what we did for mom with her DVD player; that worked well for a number of years before her dementia got bad. Same thing with retrieving voice mails and how to use the remote control. Having her push the button/pull the cord for HELP at the AL is another option when she has trouble with her devices.

~You being there 3-5 days a week defeats the purpose of her being in AL to begin with. She has to learn to adjust w/o your continuous help, and you have to accept that things won't be perfect no matter WHERE she resides outside of your home (which won't be perfect either).

~Let the new AL know that you expect the services that are included with the rent to BE PROVIDED to your mom. My mom's AL had a schedule on the back of her door showing her shower dates and times, and laundry day as well. That's the least you should expect, along with care conferences on a regular basis.

Wishing you the best of luck getting mom set up in a new place as she would like to have happen.

If you feel it's the right thing, it probably is.
Hopefully you will be able to convince your mom that it is.
I take my 94 year old mom to a senior center twice per week and she loves it.
She will be safer and healthier with you.

It wasn’t working for my mom as well, however, she was more socialized and engaged than when we lived together and before her moving to ALF. SO, I cancelled all of the extra care they were providing because they weren’t doing it consistently and mom could refuse. I got 2 caregivers to come in 2-6 every day (I only have 2 people so mom can get to know them and bond). She gets showers 3 times a week and lotions 7 days a week. She is taken to the activities she likes and sits with her friends. She is taken to dinner and back; brush teeth and then to bed (mom loves her bed). But if she doesn’t want to lay down; the tv is on for her and she can turn it off or the night med turns it off. I did get some insight on how certain ADL’s could be deducted from her taxes. The ALF RN evaluates her and talks to me about what I take care of. At this point, mom has 3 ADL’s that she cannot do and it is more than a year that she has been unable to do them. The evaluations details what mom is unable to do by herself but that her daughter handles that part of the care with caregivers or herself. I also have blink cameras in her apartment (she doesn’t have a roommate). She thinks the blink cameras are speakers. I didn’t ask permission, I just put them in. The facility finally decided to put signs up that say surveillance but mom doesn’t notice. I have an Alexa Show so I can drop in and she can call me (which she does). I set up her iPhone on a charging stand and zip tied it to the stand and plugged it in. I found that I can use a setting to have it answer automatically after 10 seconds (more or less as I wish) and announce who is calling. I also set it so only those in her contact list can get through to screen out the robo calls. I have breakfast and lunch served to her in her apartment. Mom is in a bubble and loves it. She also likes her “independence”. The cost went down a great deal when I didn’t have the extra’s. And even with the carers, it is not as much and mom has been enjoying having someone to show her around/watch TV with her/ do PT with her/take walks/and go through picture albums with her/ shower her and do her hair. She has vascular dementia and is moderate + depending on the day. I respectfully suggest trying something else than moving her in with you because depression sets in when not socializing. Mom has been in both situations (living with family and living in ALF) and loves her autonomy and friends in ALF.

How can this be the best decision if mom doesn't want to do it?

If she only has a problem running tech devices, why does she need help with showering, walking her dog, etc?

You need to be honest with yourself about what her condition really is.

What she wants and what she can pay for should get the most consideration, not you or your husbands desires.

Maybe she likes having other seniors to hang out with, have you considered how that need will be fulfilled if you force her back to your house?

UPDATE: I discussed with Mom today and surprisingly she is 100% willing to move back in with us!! She isn’t happy there, and she came up with 10 reasons why she wants to leave. She said it was worth trying, but after 3 months she is convinced this isn’t working out

I’m so relieved and happy!

thank you all for the suggestions and support

Doesn't sound like she or the dog like it. She may feel she isn't a burden by living there. You can move her home, get some help at home occasionally so you can bop, or whatever. Or tell her your complaints and that you want to move her home until you find a place that lives up to their promise. We are in assisted living, ain't heaven, but I couldn't ever make those complaints about it.

Assisted living is not well defined. It is not licensed. It is for able bodied adults who do not want to cook but generally able to independently operate. Most "assistance" is meal prep and meal clean up, bed linen change and light housekeeping of apartment. The benefit is the social engagement and the slower pace. I had my own mother in assisted living and the staff are not knowledgable about care. It was a nightmare. I ended up transferring my Mom, post eye surgery, to a very nice nursing home that addressed her memory impairment issues. That did not end my involvement. If you return your Mom home, check for local senior activity centers so she gets the socialization she needs. They often provide transportation to and fro. Hire someone to help with bath if that is an issue for you. The care of our elders is demanding. The other option is to hire a RN care coordinator. You could also consider hiring a dog walker and see if that can extend her stay at the assisted living facility. I spent 10 years caring for my Mother as she aged through the system. It doesn't get any easier.

Yes, my grand dad was in "rehab" after a femur break. He had played golf the week prior. Rehab nearly killed him. We sprung him and he came to my house with a visiting nurse/aide paid by medicare, grand mom had already been moved here. Grandpa was never happier. The bed sores healed and he had another good 8 months at my house dying from pneumonia. Grand mom was here 2.5 years and died because he was gone. They were over 100. That said, I had to place my mom in a group home last year. She had refused to move here or could commit to anything and ended up not being able to cook for herself and nearly dying and out of her mind.. Her health is built back up 6 months later. The group home has organized her meds correctly. I'm prepared to bring her back here if and when it is needed. It sounds like your mom would be thrilled to get out of a place she is struggling at. Use some of the money being spent now to hire help. It maybe some one to help you, like cleaning, laundry and yard work. Do not try to do it all. Trust your gut.

Prayers sent.

I know exactly what you are going through. I was placed in assisted living after 9 months in the hospital. I have a little dog, and a food allergy that kills me if I have soy. (Thats in 95%of processed food) The showers were minimal. They forgot about my food allergy I had to use my epi pen. It was not cool. Finally there was a fire, I'm like I'm outta here. Look up the food, in facilities it's the lower quality than food sold in stores and that's allowed. She will understand.