What is the best way of telling my family about my respite plans without causing conflict?

Thank you all so much for your good advice. I have spoken to my family and they are going to get a full time carer for my mother while I am away as she does not want to go into a facility. If it works out well with the carer and my mother is happy I might then decide to move back closer to my family. But don't want to make any decision now.

What ARE your respite plans for your mother? Do you expect your siblings to take on the care of your mother for 2 months, or are you planning to put her in a facility? (And who's going to pay for that?)

Why would this even cause conflict? If your siblings are worried about your mother going into respite, they can come out and care for her. You deserve to spend time with your own daughter and granddaughter.

My father cared for my mother and never spent time with his grandkids (my kids) as he felt he could never put her into respite. She is still alive, but he died while caring for her. My kids barely remember my father because he rarely spent time with them (13 and 15 when he died). Don't let that happen to you. My kids missed out on spending time with a great man because he was too worried about what others would think if he asked for help.

Don't think to avoid conflict. You cannot. And you have already imagined in your own mind what they will say to you at the worse. There's not a darn thing you can do about that. Embrace it.
I would say the best way to approach is to truly own your own fears for yourself and your own need for this break. I would not argue the issue. I would simply explain that this is the way it must be.
Does family live near Mom? Is there a second for POA action if you are far away and there is a crisis. You know that at 97 virtually anything can happen and by that I mean whether Mom is in your own excellent care or in the care of someone else.
I would say that given your history you have not made this decision lightly or without due deliberation. Have you visited the facility where Mom will be in care?
You have stated well what you had to say when telling us your plans and why you have made them; I would not elaborate a lot nor leave things open to argument with your family. You have already in your head I will bet imagined all the threats and dreadful things they can say to you. And you still know that while a life "may" hang in the balance it is as likely to be your OWN as your Mom's.
I truly wish you the best. I have such a free and beautiful time when I visit my own daughter. There is such peace when I do. I wish the same to you.

Oh my, at the age of 70 you're still afraid of causing any family conflict because you're needing a much needed and deserved break? Really???
You say that you "always try to please everyone." That's called a people pleaser. Well guess what? You will never be able to please everyone, so quit trying and just start pleasing yourself and your immediate family.
Again you deserve this precious time away with your daughter and grandchildren, so quit worrying what your siblings will say, and just go and enjoy yourself. They should just be grateful that you stepped up to care for mom when neither of them did.
Now go and have fun!

Your siblings' lives aren't more important than yours. Lay out in a letter or email all that you've done to care for their mother, and then what you plan to now do for yourself. And if they react poorly after all that you've done has been explained to them then so what.

Inform your siblings of your intent to visit your daughter and grandchildren for 2 months, then put your heads together to come up with a plan to care for mom. Will they do it, or should mom go to respite care in an Assisted Living Facility for the duration? If it's AL you all choose, so be it. The important thing is you leave without guilt or worry and go live your own life!

You made the choice to move away to care for mom, and now you're making another choice....to spend 2 months taking a well needed break from caregiving. You should let the siblings know you plan to take this same break every X amount of time so they can decide how to care for their mother while you're gone. If this causes conflict, too bad.

Have fun!

Penguin,

Don't worry about people 's reactions. As long as you are at peace with your decisions, that is all that matters.

Go and visit your daughter, if that will give you joy. Do the best you can to set up things for your mom to be taken care of. But go and visit your daughter.

I belong to this forum to help me deal with caregiving issues related to my in-laws. But my own mother (who passed away a decade ago) took loving, devoted care of my grandma for about 15 years. She would often refuse to visit me for fear her mother would die while she was out of town. She deprived herself of much because of her caregiving duties.

Six months after my grandma died--when my mom, free of all responsibility was finally going to live her life--she was diagnosed with terminal cancer that robbed her of her life in a year. I am not saying that this will happen to you; that is not the moral of my story. But I think a lot of people (my mother, my MIL) think that they will be able to live their lives after caregiving is done. But there are no guarantees. Don't let life sneak up on you like that. You have a right to enjoy it. Your daughter has a right to enjoy time with you.

If your siblings are going to get upset, let them. Do the best you can for your mother, yourself, your daughter, and your grandchildren. Good luck!