I'm caring for MIL in my home. She has Parkinson's, dementia, and is incontinent. She is able to get around on her own to an extent with a walker if she has help. Mentally it's another story, she needs assistance with everything from meds to meals, reminding her to use the bathroom/change her Depends, and drink liquids, etc. I am tied down to the house when my husband is at work.
I am married, have a toddler, and am pregnant with my second child. It's a very rough pregnancy. My husband helps a lot when he is home, but I have absolutely zero help from the rest of his family (3 siblings). They say they "can't deal" with caring for MIL, even just for a day to give me a break. No one in his family will even let me (or him) talk when we try to have a discussion. They interrupt us, and seem to think that its my duty to do this. I've been told, "it's not any extra work for you" and "you don't do anything anyway because you are a stay-at-home mom" by his siblings.
We discussed adult daycare, but she has refused to go. (any advice on how to encourage a senior to go is much appreciated too! )
She has only been with us a few weeks. Previously was living with my sister-in-law, but that is no longer an option. Already, I feel EXTREMELY stressed out. At my latest OB appointment my previously good blood pressure and blood sugar (2 things that were issues for me in past pregnancy) were not so great. I've gone from an active healthy lifestyle to being mostly sedentary, not eating as healthy either. The smells associated with her incontinence trigger my morning sickness like you wouldn't believe.
I can't leave during the day to take my daughter to the park, or playgroup or anything. I told my husband that the sibling with medical/financial POA is going to have to pay for in-home help. So far it hasn't happened.
My husband promised his mom that she would never have to go to a home. I will add that I've helped my in-laws for 15 + years (FIL passed away a few years ago and was disabled) with absolutely no help from his siblings then either. I feel like the stress is putting my health at risk during my pregnancy. We did get a relative to agree to care for her when I have my c section later this year, but that's the only time anyone is willing to help.
Sorry this is so long. I feel like an awful person because I don't want to be a caregiver. I love my MIL. I'm a religious person, and I think there is some religious guilt going on here too for me, feeling like I need to care for others etc. I'm afraid of the changes I've seen in my health in just a few weeks of doing this, and terrified I could end up in preterm labor or some other complication from the stress. Not sure what the right thing to do is or how to communicate with a family that won't listen to what my husband or I have to say but who expect us to do all the work.
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Right back at them. "How dare you feel i should compromise the health of my baby and myself over this. You are the ones being selfish" then let them F - off. Why should you worry about these inconsiderate bozos when they don't care for the stress you are under and the health impacts.
I'm very angry on your behalf because i had a friend have a massive stroke a few days before her 3rd child was born - he was delivered by C Section while she was on life support. Her MIL had moved in to "help with the children" but was so difficult to deal and fought with her about the kids, the house, the hubby and her idiot husband avoided everything. Stress can / does kill.
You matter. Your baby matters. Your husband needs to stand up with you and say "NO" and if no one takes her in - a nice assisted living. You'll still be her family and care for her but the caring is not in your house and you do not have to do it all.
F-em!!!!
So? So they get upset.
So what?
Do you actually like these people or want anything to do with them? I'd consider it a good thing to never have to be around them again.
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"No, I can't possibly do that".
Practice it in the mirror. Look yourself in the eye. Become the Tiger Mom protecting her kids and her marriage.
You are a young mom with your hands full and more to come.
Start looking for Memory Care for mom. Not Assisted Living, she needs Memory Care.
Set up a tour of a few places and when you find one you think will be a good fit begin the process of getting her in residence.
If siblings do not agree, let them care for MIL. DON'T back down.
Yes she is not going to like it.
She will probably tell you she hates you, that you are dumping her and every other thing she will say to make you "feel guilty"
She is not going to get better, she will decline and as much work as it is now to care for her it will get more difficult.
I based the decision on placing my Husband on SAFETY.
If it became unsafe for me to care for him I would have had to place him.
If it became unsafe for him for me to care for him I would have had to place him.
SAFETY is not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety.
Right now it is getting unsafe for you mentally, emotionally to care for your MIL.
it is not "giving up" or a "failure" it is the reality that she needs more care than you can give her.
I agree 100% with the others who have said she needs to go, now! Your health and your mental health and your family are all at risk here. Don't worry about his family being upset with you.
I would contact the court that gave SIL guardianship and tell them that she has dropped her off, doesn't hire caregivers and MIL isn't getting the care she needs because you are not able to provide it and she won't listen to anything you or husband says and this is adversely effecting MILs well-being.
Your SIL is violating her legal duties by pulling this stunt.
Your wedding vows, being religious, should have said something like, forsaking all others...that means EVERYONE.
I have a question for dear hubs, would you rather put your wife and unborn baby in a grave? Because not putting mom in a facility could cause both of them to die. Look up the statistics and determine for yourself if you want to risk it for a promise extorted by someone that made it clear she matters more then anyone else. Sounds harsh but, that's what her making you promise was all about. She doesn't care what taking care of her costs anyone, including your own children. A loving parent doesn't do this.
Reading those helped make my mind up and helped me let go of some guilt i was feeling for wanting to say no to doing this.
Don't stress out about what his family will think, they have proven they aren't worth your head space.
At the least possible "emergency", call 911 and have MIL transported to the ER and make it clear to the social worker (via phone) that she may NOT come back to your home.
Give them the phone numbers and addresses of your worthless in-laws.
I would have a nice little show down with DH; "either she goes or I do".
Consider an appointment with a divorce attorney and a marriage counselor to assess your options.
Your husband made an INVALID PROMISE to his mother. It was based on his emotional attachment to her, and has NOTHING to do with his present, REALITY BASED LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES.
”You don’t DO ANYTHING ANYWAY”? An ignorant, self serving, offensive comment, if anyone ever spoke one.
Mother, with dementia, has ABSOLUTELY NO SAY in making choices for herself that are in conflict with YOUR WELFARE. Her SAFETY is important, and POA should indeed be overseeing and developing her NEW CARE PLAN, starting with removal from your home.
Since you are treated abysmally by them, and clearly shown no respect, why on earth would you be concerned about their negative reactions to your desire to defend yourself and your babies’ welfare. Let them pout, let them grouse.
If it were only you who was being used so crudely, the decision about continuing would STILL be yours to make, but when it comes to doing your best for your children, it’s time to choose FOR THEM.
Speak up with quiet confidence. Your input is FAR overdue.
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