I have become so burned out that I can't bear to be around my dad. Any advice?

Hi! You wrote, "I have spent hours in the hospital with him, taken off work, spent hours with him going to appointments, helping him, staying up late, etc. I just can't do it anymore. He is falling a lot and won't stop making things difficult. I feel guilty but I am not taking care of myself and I hate who I see in the mirror."

You sound just like me (with a few differences, like my Dad makes great effort to stay safe, healthy and prevent emergencies). He loves life! In fact, he's such a smiley, wonderful man.

You wrote, "but has had so many issues where I had to step in and be there". Same here. My plan is to help with one more emergency (something came up today, a small emergency), and then really take care of my life. I hope the staff in your father's AL can do a great job, without you being there. My Dad's aides at home can handle the issues. It's a testament to our love, that we care. But we must love our life too.

I like what BarBrooklyn wrote to me, "Jeopardizing your career and mental health are no way to honor your father."

Oh gosh, when I read your statement "I got to the point where I was so depressed and angry that I can't even be around him" a thousand bells went ringing in my ears! I feel for you being caught up in this situation. I care for my mom and I share your feelings of resentment for being put in this position. Like others have posted, you are the important one here so do what you need for yourself. I find that when such feelings come to the surface it helps me to go through the motions of being uninvolved, for a while. It felt foreign at first but soon I realized that things were being taken care of and I didn't have to be involved in every single task or decision. At the end of the day it made no difference to mom yet it brought such relief to me.

I wonder if AL is the right place for him? Sounds like he's in pretty rough shape and there is only so much most ALF are willing and able to do.

I can totally understand how hard it is to be around him. I guess you could stop doing extra at AL so that he will have to move to a SNF where he will not need so much outside help and then maybe you will be asked to less, your burn out will heal and maybe you'll be able to be around your dad again. On your terms.

It appears that your dad NEEDS skilled nursing care. Currently, you are providing that care. Help yourself and him by helping him to transition to a skilled nursing facility so your visits can be about socializing and not hands-on care.

venting,

You're absolutely right. People don't think such things as 'attention falls' and 'fabricated health crises' are real with the elderly, but they are. Their reasons for these actions are also real. Such reasons as:

-Plain old spite. I had a care client who would crap and piss herself (she still used a bathroom) whenever I was with her which was a four-hour block of time. I came to work and her daughter was by. The daughter was there for over three hours. The second the car door closed, my client crapped and pissed herself. Rather than get up and go to the bathroom which she did and was able to do, she did it in her chair for me. I quit that position even though the money was good.

-Sabotage. The elder wants to ruin something their caregiver or family member has planned. Especially if they aren't part of it.

-Attention. A person is lonely or feels like people aren't paying enough attention to them. So they 'invent' and emergency. A staged fall or some fabricated health crisis. The same way that a child with a 'boo-boo' that isn't serious. Or a mysterious tummy ache that goes away when prescribed a cup of hot cocoa or dish of their favorite ice cream.

-Boredom. An elderly person who has nothing to do all day and many times is alone, gets bored. They create a drama that they can star in like a staged fall. Or something requiring a family member or caregiver sit down in the ER with them for hours at a time. I remember a couple years back I was taking a 4-day weekend out of town for a wedding. My mother started having chest pains and light-headedness when I was bringing my luggage to the car. Literally on my way out. Totally fine up until then. So I told her I'd call my sister which I did. It was fabricated. She wanted to ruin my four days away and prevent me from going to the wedding which I'd been looking forward to for a year but wasn't able to. She didn't want my sister to co-star in her drama because she was "working" and didn't want to bother her while she was at work. I called her anyway.

So venting, you are spot on about the staged falls and planned health dramas. Spot on, my friend.

I'll never understand why so many people choose to play nursemaid to an elder in AL.

He's in Assisted Living, let the staff assist him with his living, if it's too much for them, off to a Nursing Home he goes. That's just how it works.

I feel so sorry for you. You are probably so burnt out that it will take months or years to get rid of the stress. I'm so sorry.

I think you need to find Memory Care or Assisted Living that you feel comfortable with that will take care of him, no matter what happens. One of the criteria for placement would be ensuring that you could talk to someone about his care, without actually seeing him or he knowing that you are monitoring his care. At least where I am, not all Assisted Living Centers can take care of a person at every stage until they die. Then once he is placed there, you will need to school yourself to not worry about him and allow the professionals to do their job and keep tabs by talking to the nurses.

I have found that when I voluntarily choose to visit my Mom, I have a lot more patience with her, her aches, her complaints, her oddities, and all the negatives of living in a group setting of seniors. Her life is not doing as well as when I was taking care of her, however, my health (and attitude) has greatly improved.

I'm probably a lot nicer to be around too!

You can do this.....

Many people have been and currently are in the same situation as you. I've been there too. You are not alone in this.
When my father was placed in the nursing home I had them on my back seven days a week. They never stopped. My full-time job at the time was as a caregiver to a bedbound invalid with LBD. I was also doing for my elderly mother who is not an easy person on her best day.
It got to the point where I truly thought I was having (or had a nervous breakdown) so I stopped. There were full days during the week where I would not take a call from the nursing home. My sister would handle the calls. I would not speak to my mother. It wasn't personal and she respected it. Some days the other caregivers who were additional coverage had to cover for me because I just couldn't do it. They did.
You have to take a break. Full days where you take no phone calls concerning your father. Not even calls from him. No visiting. No running errands for him.
It sounds to me like AL isn't going to be the right place for him if he's falling. LTC will probably be soon.
Please, for your own sake take a week or more off from seeing him or taking calls. Tell the AL to only call if there's a real emergency. Then start taking weekends off. No dealing with any care business your father. No taking calls from him or them, and no visits.
Then come on the forum here and let everyone know what's going on with you. This is a good group and very helpful. I wish I knew about this forum when my father was still living. Good luck and keep us posted.

I'm almost at that stage with my mom. I love her and I don't want the caregiving to end with her dying, but caregiving has destroyed my life and my disdain for helping her with any and all things 24/7 is stronger than my love for her. She won't get extra help and is hardly out of bed doing something more than once a week. She wants to be mobile again, but she lacks the motivation and doesn't hate it enough to get moving. She's 70, but regarding physical activity/ability, she might as well be 90.

Many think she's taking advantage of me and one person I talked to thinks she's content where she is and will squeeze every little bit out of me until some major change happens, whether it be me standing up for myself or one of us dying.

I just wish I could get away from her for a bit and come back fully rested and recharged. However, she'll likely text me and call me regularly while I'm away.

Ditch the guilt and seek counseling to help you deal with your father and his declining health. You are doing as much as you can. There should be no guilt. If you have to spend a lot of time overseeing his care, perhaps he does need to be in skilled nursing. Talk to his case worker at the facility and his doctor. Do you have siblings who can help? Or do you have to do it alone? Can he afford to hire aides to be with him in the hospital and to take hime to doctor appointments? You may have to talk with him to let him know that his care is too much for you to handle. Good luck to you!