She's been in care home 2 years and doesn't think it's been a few days. I think her dementia got worse being there, she's not done well 3 times she's been in SNFs, not made friends, etc. But not really a choice, she's wheelchair bound, incontinent, etc. When I was caregiving I had to call 911 so many times the paramedics were getting annoyed.
Anyway I change the subject usually, but should I tell her yeah you're gonna die here or keep pretending it might be temporary. I don't think she'd adjust and try to make friends with anyone. She's 89 today, was married 64 years and was very spoiled by my dad. I see her at least twice a week, bring dinner, a little wine which she loves, but always leave feeling guilty because she says "oh I thought you were staying" like I'm supposed to spend the night and sleep in a chair. I'm 66 and I feel she wants me in the same position as her because we did so much together before (they even joined my hubby and me on our Hawaii honeymoon). I'm single and retired but I rescue cats and have a few friends and am very busy with volunteer work, and don't feel like I should just not have a life now that she doesn't. I told her I'm sorry I can't make you 25 again, me either lol. My sister saw her once in 10 years, but then she had her own problems, most of which were her own fault. Am I not doing enough? I've zero experience with dementia but feel like it's rubbing off on me when I'm there, and I'm not ready to just fold because she is.
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Should have made this a separate post. I know exactly how you feel, believe me. I know when I visit, I could very well get a call the next day, or that night even,, wondering why I haven't been around. It's myself, my sister and my brother that lives in another State and is homeless. (His choice). So really, it's just me. To not go crazy anymore I have had to change how I react to what he says. Before I would go to him immediately. ( Well within the hour) Now I don't answer everytime then listen to the voice-mail and then call the facility to check on him. That's what I was advised to do. When he asks me to spend the night, I just change the subject as many times as I have to. He'll also say, " so what? I stay here"? It's been 4 months for him. I suffer from such guilt that this is where he's at. I don't remember what my life was before all this caretaking. This should have been a post on its own but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I get those same questions and struggle with them too. Our stories, so simular that I just had to let you know.
Tell mon, you can't come home today. The doctor says you have to stay here where you are safe.
Tell mon, I am just visiting, I came by with a bit of dinner so we can visit for a while.
I do not think I would be a blunt in telling mom "yeah, you are going to die here"
Remind her that this is her home.
Trying to get staff to get her included, engaged in activities would be nice. But they can only do so much, if she does not want to join in they can not force her.
Are you 100 % sure that she does not interact with other residents? What she says might be different than what actually happens.
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You can feel free to use "therapeutic fibs" to keep her in a calm state, she her dementia has robbed her of reason and logic (and memory) so that she can't sooth her own self anymore. You can tell her "I can't stay this time but will next time". She won't remember "next time". Resist explaining or reminding her of anything. Change the topics to other things that are pleasant, or take her to events & activities in the facility, or bring something she can do with you -- maybe a card game she remembers (and if she doesn't, do not correct her, let her set the rules). Maybe the facility will allow you to bring in one of your calm cats for her to pet. Sometimes dementia patients benefit from having a stuffed animal or baby doll to care for. My 100-yr old aunt in FL has a stuffed, multi-colored Llama that she calls her Baby.
You must change your assumptions about your sister's motives. She isn't the same person she was in your youth. You seem to be doing plenty by visiting her 2x per week. We visit my MIL once a week and I often feel guilty about that not being enough. Sometimes I wonder what the point is since she won't remember we were even there 1 minute after we leave.
Go live your life. Continue to visit your sister as you wish. Please do not feel guilty about anything -- you're doing as much as you can.