How to deal with family members who get angry at most of my information sharing regarding options for mother's care?

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GraceJones Asked April 2022

How to deal with family members who get angry at most of my information sharing regarding options for mother's care?

My mother is in rehab recovering after a stroke. I'm coordinating her care and post-rehab options with my sister and her brother. They get angry whenever I share information about her care options (either for while she's still in rehab that none of us can go into due to COVID, or post-rehab), even though by now I learned to be extra cautious and always phrase the information I share with them as "in the case this is useful", "I heard that....", NEVER as "this is what we must do." I'm guessing that I'm getting these reactions because they prefer to make quick assumptions and think they know it all. I'm getting tired of always getting barked at by my sister and my uncle (he basically controls what my sister thinks because she mooches off him) when all I'm trying to do is ensure that we're aware of all the options so my mother can make an informed decision on what she wants. Suggestions on how not to let this get to me?

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score 0 · Answer 1

I don't really understand the dynamics.

Does Mom make decisions for herself? If so, then..?

If not, who has MPOA?

Sounds like 3 people all trying to lead in different directions?

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I get that the Uncle feels everyone should do things his way. That what his sister wants doesn't matter.

(1)

score 2 · Answer 2

Ok I now see where you are coming from with the replies you made. I got the impression that your Uncle and sister have been caring for Mom. You are trying be her Advocate. So Uncle is making plans with no input from Mom about what she wants? Maybe mention to the doctors and nurses that Uncle may not be a good influence and Mom needs to make her own decisions.

Sister has put herself in a compromising postion because if she disagrees with Uncle, she loses her allowance. But really, its her decision to jepordize her retirement.

Rock and hard place.

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score 0 · Answer 3

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score 1 · Answer 4

If you aren't going to stay in her country and facilitate all the options, like stepping in when a caregiver doesn't show up, then you need to let things progress with her rehab and leave tomorrow for tomorrow.

Any option besides 24/7 care means your sister and uncle will be the ones being called upon. If they don't want to do that, you will only create havoc with pushing her to be at home. Nobody can decide for someone else what role they will have in caregiving.

My advice, wait until she is further along in rehab before having the "what if" discussions. They are obviously creating unnecessary stress and tension for everyone, your mom included and she doesn't need the drama right now, so stop.

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By 24/7 care, they mean my sister moving in to my mother's place to provide it. This would entail my sister quitting her job now (she lives in a different city) when she has only a few more months to go to be eligible for full retirement benefits. That's what my uncle is pressuring my sister to do, promising to increase her allowance that he's always given her since she never managed to become fully financially independent, due to living beyond her means. She already declared over and over that she'll never find another job because she's too old, so she probably won't even look for it, meaning that the drastic move would have impact on the family's financial situation for many years to come. Hence the need to talk about the options now before rash decisions are made. They literally keep talking about my sister quitting her job like it's the only solution and it should be done now, without knowing what my mother's condition will be once she finishes rehab.

(1)

score 2 · Answer 5

Opinions are like, uh, belly buttons -- everyone has one.

I'd advise not giving your relatives so much information, because if your mom is able to make her own decisions, the last thing she needs is half-informed opinions from them influencing her. Only you (the most informed) and her doctors should be weighing in.

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score 0 · Answer 6

Grace, not trying to be rude here but you have pretty much asked the same question twice before. I don't know what more we can suggest. You mother is in another country so laws differ. You sister and Uncle have been her nearest relatives. Then you fly in and start making suggestions. No matter how you word it, your imput is not appreciated.

As said before, if Mom is capable of making decisions the doctors should be talking to her. The decision is your Mom's. Your Uncle and sister do not make that decision.

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My sister and my uncle have not been visiting her any more than I do. The sister has definitely been seeing her less than I have. Now that we still have COVID restrictions in the country where she lives, none of us can visit her in rehab/her rehab doctors anyway. I'm aware of the differences in the laws between the US and my country of origin - regardless, I found this forum overall extremely helpful and supportive as there are tons of other challenges in common here and there as you're trying to figure out how to take care of an aging parent. Yes, totally agree that it's my mother's decision, and my goal is to make sure she's aware of all her options as she makes this decision.

(2)

score 1 · Answer 7

Are your sister and uncle coming up with less than stellar options? Or is it just how they treat you, not how well they're doing their research? If they're getting angry whenever you contribute care options, then maybe you're not really the designated coordinator for your mom? Unless your mom has specifically named you as this person, I'd find other ways to help her that doesn't intersect with your sister and uncle. There are too many coordinators for your mom, so for her sake I'd put your energies elsewhere, especially if you're not her DPoA or MPoA. Sometimes there are 2 sides to a story and we're only being informed of yours. I hope your family can work in harmony so your mother can convelesce in peace.

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Well, in their opinion, there's exactly one option "she'll need 24/7 care after her release." They made up their mind, therefore they're not doing any research anymore. They think they know all there's to know. However, we're way too early in the process to narrow down to this as the only option. She can walk, climb stairs without taking a break, cognitively capable and her speech is mostly fine. She just started her month long rehab and her condition could be significantly improved once she gets out. No one is her DPoA or MPoA. No one is the designated coordinator. I'm her daughter and have been seeing her just as much as her other daughter has. My mother's wishes matter, and to make a good decision, one needs information and not just rely on knee jerk reactions and rushed assumptions. I want my mother to know of about the multiple possibilities available for her care, not just the one solution being pushed on her by other family members when she's weak while she's still recovering after a stroke and COVID.

(1)

score 1 · Answer 8

Hi OP!

“Suggestions on how not to let this get to me?”

I guess that’s similar to asking, how not to let someone else’s negativity get to you.

I’m bad at it. I stress eat: I know this solves nothing.

I have an uncle who’s extremely good at letting things slide off his back. In fact, I have the impression men are better at this - OR, men aren’t attacked/put down as much as we women are.

If I try to analyze my uncle (how does he do it?)…

He’s kind, very intelligent, always patient: he just doesn’t let things get to him. He’s always respectful (even when someone’s rude to him). Somehow, he’s able to let things bounce off him.

We should study his mind, and make a manual for us all.

;)

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score 1 · Answer 9

Family dynamics are what they are. People seldom change. I would bet you have been aware of who each and every person in the family is long before these issues came up. Add to this the stress of decisions for an elder--well, I will just say it is much like two parents squabbling about what is best for the children; if you have some you know how that can be.
I would just determine that your relatives are who they are. I would stop being so careful because it apparently doesn't work. Say your piece and allow them to say theirs.
Hopefully there is one person who is POA and who is responsible for the final decisions. Everyone has input and then that one person makes the final decision.
Family mediation is an option. If you would like contacts for family mediation I can give you several sites to reach out to for mediators in your area; private message me and I will give you the sites.
Best of luck. I always wonder why people would suppose that countries can get along when we can't even do it in our own family. We are contentious beasts, at best.

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This is a helpful reminder that people are who they were before the stressful situation came up, thank you. My uncle has been quick to assume, quick to criticize, and a know-it-all all his life. My sister has had many conflicts with both family and non-family during all her life, and constantly hangs up on her son and "disowns" him over a variety of perceived "disrespects." I come with my own flaws. Taking a step back and breathe helps to de-stress and not worry so much about the cards I've been dealt with regard to family dynamics that developed decades before I was even born.

(1)

How to deal with family members who get angry at most of my information sharing regarding options for mother's care?

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