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Helpinflorida Asked April 2022

My elderly mother is lucid in many ways, but she accuses her live-in, very longtime boyfriend of cheating and stealing from her. Can anyone give me guidance?

She says that he steals everything from her, from towels to paperwork and gives it to his girlfriend--who I know for a fact is fictional. This has been going on for about 10 years but I was never aware it was this awful. She says he gives all of her things to the other woman and has the windows taped and video cameras on him all of the time. She says she comes in the house and gets on their computer when they aren't home. She does misplace a lot of things but she laughs them off if she finds them but if not then starts fighting with him saying he took them. She has packed up tons of boxes and brought them to my house for safe keeping, constantly changes computer passwords then can't get online and accuses him and her. She also accuses them of stealing her medications and maybe poisoning her. All other aspects of her thinking I feel are just fine she is forgetful yes but this is the one thing she will not budge on. I have taken her to the doctor and tried meds but she looks them up online and wont take them. They are fighting all the time and very badly. I feel for him since he has been such a big part of our family for so long. He loves her. He has told me he wants her to stay with him, but he cannot take much more abuse. I have tried to get her to come stay with me but she won't leave his house because her possessions are there. She won't let him talk on the phone without her there and he cannot go anywhere without her. He is not allowed to have a cell phone or talk to anyone on the phone other than his son, who is completely out of the picture. She has been to the hospital on several occasions due to high blood pressure from fighting with him and even that doesn't stop the accusations. I cannot be the only person trying to deal with this type of situation? Can anyone give me guidance? Please point me in a direction that I can get help for her so she can live peacefully with him or without. Thanks in advance.

Countrymouse Apr 2022
There are other types of mental illness available besides dementia, you know.

Ten years? Your mother's SO has been enduring this abuse for ten years?

He should take a break, not only for his own welfare but as a form of diagnostic test: if he's away for 4-6 weeks, you'll be able to see if she then transfers her paranoia to anyone else. Like you, for example. Is there somewhere safe for him to go?

Beatty Apr 2022
If Mother is at risk of self harm or harm to others, an emergency mental health response should be sought.

Is there a diagnosis already? Is so, but not treated, or not well controlled, try a 'fib' for a Dr consult.

If no dx, a full medical review & psych eval is be needed: physical disease, mental illness, dementia, other.

I suppose I would focus on supporting the boyfriend to seek help. I would book a chat with a trusted medical professional to ask what steps I could take. Unfortunately, sometimes you do have to wait for a crises of some sort. Especially when 'anosognosia' (lack of insight) is present. It happens with some mental illnesses, dementias, after stroke & probably other conditions too.

Think carefully about what helps the main goal (of Mother being more stable) as apposed to enabling her behaviour. Will allowing her to store boxes at your home or move in actually help her? You could use those times she is asking for your help.. She trusts you. Maybe she could trust you to see the Doctor because you are worried about her?

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Taarna Apr 2022
Your mother has dementia and asognosia, the inability to inability to recognize disease in one's self. Please get her evaluated and treated by a neurologist. In early stages of dementia, medications can help. In latter stages, medications do not work. Talk to her boyfriend about the results from the neurologist and work together to manage her care since dementia gets worse and worse over time.

Llamalover47 Apr 2022
Helpinflorida: The paranoia she's experiencing due to her dementia needs to be addressed by her physician.

DianaGearhart Apr 2022
It’s Dementia/Alzheimer’s-paranoia, falsely accusing people of stealing, forgetting a lot, meanness. It only gets worse. Tell her boyfriend to try not to take it personally and educate himself on how to deal with it. I would recommend that her doctor get her started on medication for the anxiety. I would also get as much help, as possible, for her starting now. She will eventually get where she can no longer take care of herself-feeding, toileting, etc. it’s an awful disease.

Anabanana Apr 2022
In hindsight, my mother’s dementia behaviour seemed to start with suspicion, then she added complaining about the same things over and over (slights from people who’d been dead for decades) and progressed to picking fights about anything and everything. Forgotten meds. Misplacing things, accusing us of theft, delusions of people in her house, stalking her... and she packed up boxes of things to keep at my house for safekeeping. She stuffed paper into the frames of doors and windows so she could tell if they’d been opened. Raided our recycling bin and boarded up her windows with flattened boxes.

Then she upped the ante with suicide attempts to get her way.

That was the crisis I needed to get her out and assessed. I explained, in no uncertain terms, that I could no longer care for her. No longer keep her safe. It was very difficult. But your mother needs a thorough psych assessment and full-time dementia care now. Her bf and you need to jump on any chance to get her to the ER.

lealonnie1 Apr 2022
From your profile:
I am caring for my mother Jackie, who is 85 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia, mobility problems, osteoporosis, and stroke.

Since your mother has dementia/ALZ, her behavior is in accordance with her disease. She needs a medical evaluation and medication to treat her hallucinations and agitation asap. Her b/f needs to call 911 the first chance he gets and have her transported to the ER for an evaluation, especially since he's becoming unable to care for her. It is up to HIM to get her to the doctor/hospital/ER for treatment since he's the one living with your mom.

If nobody has POA here, you may have to apply for Guardianship for your mother so you can have her treated and/or placed in Memory Care if/when the situation gets bad enough.

The next time she's hospitalized, the b/f MUST say he cannot take her back home and she MUST be placed! Why on earth does he pick her up from the hospital when they're not even able to calm down her accusatory behaviors while she's there? That makes no sense to me, on any level! She's miserable living like this, which could be a combination of dementia AND mental illness, and HE is miserable living like this, so how is it helpful to have her come home from the hospital in the same shape she left?

You may be better off talking with the b/f and coming up with a plan of action here. If you apply for Guardianship and she's diagnosed as incompetent, THEN you can have her placed in Memory Care or a Skilled Nursing Facility against her will, if necessary.

Best of luck!
Grandcaravan Apr 2022
Paragraph 4 is very important and appreciate your advice to caregivers!
TChamp Apr 2022
You don't say how old your mother is. If she is relatively young, she is just paranoid, a plain mental illness. If she is 80 or over, then it's a form of dementia. In some individuals, a psychotic episode, like paranoia is the first indication that dementia has started. She needs to see a psychiatrist. Some anti-psychotic medicine could alleviate her paranoia.

cwinter Apr 2022
Paranoia goes along with different dementia's, especially FTD (frontal temporal dementia) The social screens are shot and frequentyly they are most difficult and abusive to the primary caregiver, usually the spouse. I have been on this same marathon off caregiving and it is brutal. I've chosen to dig in, and educate myself as much as possible so I have a sense what's coming down the pike. There is no reasoning, so one must stay objective and look beyond words and behavior to what is needed, such as bed changing, washing, and what is needed. How to deal with the abuses, like I told my shrink (therapist) I can't tell if I've transcended to unconditional love, or just gone numb.

NYCmama Apr 2022
Since it's his house, he has to put his foot down. She is sapping the life out of him. There must be an intervention (with you there) where she chooses to change her ways or live somewhere else - you can help by exploring housing options for her. This is not a situation where your Mom is going to change her mind on her own. Yes, this can be a sign of Alzheimers, but you say she has been like this for 10 years so it's also an indication of deep rooted insecurities that most likely won't diminish. Stop allowing her to run the show. Boyfriend and you must take a firm and united stand.

Grandma1954 Apr 2022
All that you say is happening is consistent with Alzheimer's/Dementia.
She can not change. This will probably get worse before it gets "better" and I am using that term very loosely.
I would begin to limit her activities on the computer.
If she is doing her own banking I would monitor if not stop that.
Are you POA or is her boyfriend?
If no one is POA it might be a bit late and someone may need to be appointed her Guardian. It depends on how cognizant she is when talking with an Attorney.

Geaton777 Apr 2022
This sounds like shadowing, a behavior that happens with dementia and ALZ, but you said she's been like this for 10 years... so maybe she actually has a mental illness. Unless you are willing and able to conjur up a "therapeutic fib" to get her into the doctor's office where you can discretely pass the staff a note outlining her concerning behavior and requesting they check her for a UTI, and give her a cognitive/memory test -- I don't think there's anything else you can do.

If no one is her PoA then certainly you are powerless until there is a crisis that lands her in the ER. If she has dementia there is no medication that cures it but there are meds for anxiety and aggression -- if she willingly takes them. Apart from this, her boyfriend may need to call 911 if she ever makes threats against him. Then they'd take her to the ER where "someone" will have the opportunity to talk to a social worker there to discuss what options there may be. Again, if no one is her PoA and there's no diagnosis of incapacity, there's no power to make her do anything.

Legal guardianship would be the only option: either a private citizen pursues it (like the BF or you), or the county will eventually acquire it, and then they call all the shots regarding her finances and medical decisions. They'd probably place her in a facility when they think it is appropriate. It's up to the BF if he wants to stick around and endure her when he is powerless to change her, and she will only get worse without a diagnosis or treatment or medication.

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