She says that he steals everything from her, from towels to paperwork and gives it to his girlfriend--who I know for a fact is fictional. This has been going on for about 10 years but I was never aware it was this awful. She says he gives all of her things to the other woman and has the windows taped and video cameras on him all of the time. She says she comes in the house and gets on their computer when they aren't home. She does misplace a lot of things but she laughs them off if she finds them but if not then starts fighting with him saying he took them. She has packed up tons of boxes and brought them to my house for safe keeping, constantly changes computer passwords then can't get online and accuses him and her. She also accuses them of stealing her medications and maybe poisoning her. All other aspects of her thinking I feel are just fine she is forgetful yes but this is the one thing she will not budge on. I have taken her to the doctor and tried meds but she looks them up online and wont take them. They are fighting all the time and very badly. I feel for him since he has been such a big part of our family for so long. He loves her. He has told me he wants her to stay with him, but he cannot take much more abuse. I have tried to get her to come stay with me but she won't leave his house because her possessions are there. She won't let him talk on the phone without her there and he cannot go anywhere without her. He is not allowed to have a cell phone or talk to anyone on the phone other than his son, who is completely out of the picture. She has been to the hospital on several occasions due to high blood pressure from fighting with him and even that doesn't stop the accusations. I cannot be the only person trying to deal with this type of situation? Can anyone give me guidance? Please point me in a direction that I can get help for her so she can live peacefully with him or without. Thanks in advance.
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Ten years? Your mother's SO has been enduring this abuse for ten years?
He should take a break, not only for his own welfare but as a form of diagnostic test: if he's away for 4-6 weeks, you'll be able to see if she then transfers her paranoia to anyone else. Like you, for example. Is there somewhere safe for him to go?
Is there a diagnosis already? Is so, but not treated, or not well controlled, try a 'fib' for a Dr consult.
If no dx, a full medical review & psych eval is be needed: physical disease, mental illness, dementia, other.
I suppose I would focus on supporting the boyfriend to seek help. I would book a chat with a trusted medical professional to ask what steps I could take. Unfortunately, sometimes you do have to wait for a crises of some sort. Especially when 'anosognosia' (lack of insight) is present. It happens with some mental illnesses, dementias, after stroke & probably other conditions too.
Think carefully about what helps the main goal (of Mother being more stable) as apposed to enabling her behaviour. Will allowing her to store boxes at your home or move in actually help her? You could use those times she is asking for your help.. She trusts you. Maybe she could trust you to see the Doctor because you are worried about her?
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Then she upped the ante with suicide attempts to get her way.
That was the crisis I needed to get her out and assessed. I explained, in no uncertain terms, that I could no longer care for her. No longer keep her safe. It was very difficult. But your mother needs a thorough psych assessment and full-time dementia care now. Her bf and you need to jump on any chance to get her to the ER.
I am caring for my mother Jackie, who is 85 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia, mobility problems, osteoporosis, and stroke.
Since your mother has dementia/ALZ, her behavior is in accordance with her disease. She needs a medical evaluation and medication to treat her hallucinations and agitation asap. Her b/f needs to call 911 the first chance he gets and have her transported to the ER for an evaluation, especially since he's becoming unable to care for her. It is up to HIM to get her to the doctor/hospital/ER for treatment since he's the one living with your mom.
If nobody has POA here, you may have to apply for Guardianship for your mother so you can have her treated and/or placed in Memory Care if/when the situation gets bad enough.
The next time she's hospitalized, the b/f MUST say he cannot take her back home and she MUST be placed! Why on earth does he pick her up from the hospital when they're not even able to calm down her accusatory behaviors while she's there? That makes no sense to me, on any level! She's miserable living like this, which could be a combination of dementia AND mental illness, and HE is miserable living like this, so how is it helpful to have her come home from the hospital in the same shape she left?
You may be better off talking with the b/f and coming up with a plan of action here. If you apply for Guardianship and she's diagnosed as incompetent, THEN you can have her placed in Memory Care or a Skilled Nursing Facility against her will, if necessary.
Best of luck!
She can not change. This will probably get worse before it gets "better" and I am using that term very loosely.
I would begin to limit her activities on the computer.
If she is doing her own banking I would monitor if not stop that.
Are you POA or is her boyfriend?
If no one is POA it might be a bit late and someone may need to be appointed her Guardian. It depends on how cognizant she is when talking with an Attorney.
If no one is her PoA then certainly you are powerless until there is a crisis that lands her in the ER. If she has dementia there is no medication that cures it but there are meds for anxiety and aggression -- if she willingly takes them. Apart from this, her boyfriend may need to call 911 if she ever makes threats against him. Then they'd take her to the ER where "someone" will have the opportunity to talk to a social worker there to discuss what options there may be. Again, if no one is her PoA and there's no diagnosis of incapacity, there's no power to make her do anything.
Legal guardianship would be the only option: either a private citizen pursues it (like the BF or you), or the county will eventually acquire it, and then they call all the shots regarding her finances and medical decisions. They'd probably place her in a facility when they think it is appropriate. It's up to the BF if he wants to stick around and endure her when he is powerless to change her, and she will only get worse without a diagnosis or treatment or medication.