Under the circumstances of not having a “husband” anymore, would it be wrong to get in touch with a former boyfriend I haven’t seen or talked to since I was 20 years old?

You had a bad marriage but you stayed married, for some reason. You're now saying your husband is in Memory Care with dementia, but still "in his right mind" ENOUGH to be making sexual advances to other women, which is what you believe gives you 'permission' to rekindle a relationship with your first love, is that right? And you're asking us if it would be wrong of you to do so.

Dementia is real and your husband would not be in Memory Care if he didn't have a diagnosis of it. This is why his behavior is the way it is, including his sexual aggression and violent agitation, both which should be addressed and treated by his doctor. His disease doesn't give you rights you wouldn't ordinarily have as a married woman. That's not to say you don't want, or don't deserve a life of your own, you do. We all deserve love and affection and kindness and decency from others. But what does that mean for your husband, where does your new relationship leave him? And you can say you won't have a physical relationship until the cows come home, but we all know where loving affection ultimately leads. We're all adults. Don't go into "rekindling" an old love and try to fool yourself at the same time. Either do it or don't do it, but be honest with yourself going in and all along. And decide beforehand if it means you'll stop visiting your husband in MC or what it will mean for that relationship.

Some people are able to have a relationship with another person while their spouse is in Memory Care and be ok with it, some aren't. We can't answer this question for you. Only YOU can answer it for yourself. What's wrong for one person may be right for another, and what's right for one is wrong for another. If you are able to live with your decision and be happy with it and yourself, go for it. If not and you'll wind up full of self remorse, don't. Look within for your answer.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

Dear Spouse Can’t Cope:

Some if the answers below are good, some are careless. I tend to lean towards the moral and what could become, emotional issues for you. - Trust me when I say that I understand what it is like to have a spouse living with dementia. While my bride of 31+ years is still in love and tender with me, physical intimacy went out the door nearly 2 years ago. We had a great marriage. But since her illness set in full force, physical touch went away. - A relationship with another, be it a new person or an old flame, could have some emotional consequences.

I am not judging you, by any means. The type of relationship you had with your husband would have driven me to divorce court years before dementia set in. But I am not you and cannot pretend to know the why’s and why not’s of your past or present emotional decisions.

I didn’t see any responses that dealt with the legal sides of divorcing your husband. But do consider that! What happens to your assets? - If your husband has been deemed mentally incapacitated then he will not be able to legally fight for himself and therefore would need a court required representation. This could get VERY expensive for you with the legal court tie ups. Not only would you have to pay for your lawyer out of your joint assets, but his also. You’re not entering an easy road to travel on.

I wish you well and will pray for you. You are in a difficult place many “caregiving spouses” have been.

Go for it! My mom, too, thought of her first love for many years. She sent him a Christmas card in July when she found an address for him. His wife had passed five years earlier. My mom divorced in her early 40's, never remarried until....

Mom and first boyfriend did not marry in the 50's because she was Lutheran, he was Catholic. That just wasn't done then.

The Xmas card started a new relationship. They traveled often to visit each other and he finally moved from Virginia. They married on mom's 80th bday, she thought she would never forget the anniversary that way. 😕😕 She had very early Alzheimer's when they married. He passed on their 10th anniversary and mom's 90th bday. She didn't know him most of the time the last couple of years.

They were quite happy for the majority of that ten years.

It could be your first love also has significant health issues, though. But, check it out.

I think u answered your own question...u probably have lived your life for others raising a family...now do what u feel makes u happy.. who cares if others dont approve.. they'll get over it

Do you know if your first love is married? Pretending you cared more about your relationship with your husband than you do, how would you feel if his old girlfriend contacted him?

I'm very wary of these types of contacts. My mother "reconnected" (in her mind only) with her first love once my dad died and she was deep into dementia. In her mind they married, had a sex life (that I had to decline to hear about many times), and they were very happy. In truth, the man died in 2009, seemed to have been happily married until then, and had six children. It would have been horrible had my mother -- in her right mind and newly-widowed --tried to contact him.

I say stick with the fantasy and leave it at that. If you need companionship, find someone who is local and available and also looking. Old romances aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

I will leave your moral questions up to you. I would be the very last to judge another's moral choices if they hurt no one else, and in this case I cannot see who would be hurt.
For myself I would divorce this husband. Whoever he was when you were together (and apparently he was violent) I would have divorced him THEN. I certainly would divorce him NOW when he is really no one you ever knew. This will also divide your assets so his go to his care and yours are protected for YOU. It is then I would consider whether to seek companionship with others for myself.
These truly are personal decisions that I feel are not any one else's business at all. I wish you good luck whatever decision you make for yourself.

It seems like there are two issues you are dealing with. The first, seeing the guy from 58 years ago, and the "not having a husband anymore". Both are relatively simple. Got two minutes?

First, you deserve support and respite and how you choose to provide that for yourself should be entirely your choice. People will judge you if you get a Chia Pet and people will judge you if you have coffee with an old flame... so what???

I could go on and on, but you probably get the idea...

The "not having a husband anymore" is just a bit more complicated, but still pretty easy. (Sorry, not sorry if you don't like what comes next.)

When you did the "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part" thing you signed a long-term contract and it seems like you have upheld your end of the contract very well - even if your husband may not have. Honor yourself for that. Be proud of yourself for that and thank God for the strength, courage, patience, and everything it took to get you to today. You are stronger than most, braver than most, and a great role model for your girls.

You are probably thinking I am going to say you have to honor that contract till the "death do us part" clause kicks in. Well, yes and no. Unless you are going to end the contract by divorce, murder, or suicide (I don't recommend any of those options) you have to deal with the moral obligation and guilt you have to your husband - because he is your husband - even if his mind is mush and he's grabbing every girl part he can.

You are in a lucky spot for two reasons. First, the contract can be modified to suit the current conditions. Start by creating clear guidelines for how you will operate in the marriage. It may be, "I will visit once per week for 45 minutes and deal with emergencies" or whatever is appropriate under the circumstances. Let the people who need to know know what they can expect of you and follow through on your new promises.

Next, just be authentic with the people who matter - including your husband. They will understand and support you. Let them know you are planning to have coffee with the old friend. There is no need for shame, guilt, or anything but a bit of happiness and sunshine in your life.

Please go get some happiness. You deserve it!

~BRAD

I'm wondering why you are going so far back into your past. Why not join some groups where you can meet people your own age and make new friends. Don't feel guilt about contacting an old friend, but you may find that the person you knew and liked at age 20 is no longer suitable for you, with all of your life experience.

What anyone else thinks about this situation is no one's business but your own.
How do YOU feel about it? Obviously you are having second thoughts or you would not have posed the question.
Are you looking at this forum as your "moral compass"?
What would your reaction be if your best friend asked you this question if she were in the same position?
What would your reaction be if your mom was in the same position 30 years ago? (I just picked 30 years as just a number)
Again...you are an adult. Your former boyfriend is an adult. No ones opinion should matter.

I guess the other thing is if you have not contacted him is he
1) still interested?
2) many things have changed in that many years he is NOT the same person he was.
3) is he healthy, the last thing you need to do is become a caregiver to someone else.

My husband and I discussed this subject and our covenant of “til death do us part” is the deal we made when we married. His mom cared for his dad 11 years with ALZ and the dad had a “girlfriend” he saw in the park. His mom would not have put up with a “girlfriend” if he was in his right mind, but her stance changed because he is not in his right mind and he has joy in seeing the other lady on his walks with his caregiver. He was not a perfect husband and she can say she was not a perfect wife, but the commitment they made allowed for care until he passed. Consider this, you may be “justified” in the world view of having emotional or physical intimacy with another person while still being married but it appears that you will suffer the feelings of guilt and remorse. I base this on the way you posed this question. No one who has answered this question, (so far), has done what you are proposing to do; the advice is based on their thoughts not their experience. You can’t UNring a bell.