What is going to hit me from left field as I consider moving my 92-year-old mother into my home?

Wow! You all have been fantastic!! I previously reached out to a high school classmate who is now the Executive Director for a state agency on aging. He has given me resources to contact a SHIP Counselor to request assistance with the Medicaid paperwork. I am more determined than ever to help her stay where she is (in the ALF) and not cause any more undue chaos and confusion ... for any of us. I cannot tell you just how much I appreciate your comments, insight and candor. My concern about the option of moving her to my home has been validated 100%. Moving forward to a different path!! THANK YOU!!!!

Ok so, if mom has annuities that have to be used up BEFORE she qualifies for Medicaid, great: then she CONTINUES to live in Assisted Living, cashes OUT those annuities and pays for her care out of pocket from the annuities to do so. This keeps her OUT of your house during the time period it takes to use up the annuity funds. THEN she can qualify for Medicaid. She's using up your 'inheritance', but really, that's what HER money SHOULD be used for: Her care while she is alive; not to be saved for children's inheritances.

BUT, go talk to a CELA first, naturally, and don't take our word for anything! This is just something I'm telling you from personal experience, after having used POA for my parents since 2014, cashed out their life savings (in stocks) and used that $$$ to finance their care in AL ever since. Mom was due to run out of $$$ in August and I was going to apply for Medicaid at that time, but she wound up passing away in February. All she would have had left was her SSI monthly and her VA Aid & Attendance widow's benefits which weren't enough to finance her $7K a month costs in Memory Care AL.

So, what are you going to experience having mom live with you that you haven't a clue about? Tons of things, TONS and TONS of things. Loss of privacy being the #1 thing, and being responsible for another human being 100% like it was when we were first mothers back in the day (if you were in that position, IDK). It's an overwhelming feeling, to say the least. PLEASE let mom spend all of her annuity funds to finance her care in AL and have her own place, her own autonomy, and you can continue living your own life, having your own ONE full time job instead of TWO, and that's that. Speak to the lawyer and get the scoop about what to do after she runs out of $$$$, and go from there. By then, she may need a lot of help with ADLs (activities of daily life) and she'll be more than ready for Skilled Nursing.

Wishing you the best of luck coming up with Plan B & C to keep mom living in AL for as long as possible.

Until YOU hear it from a CELA-certified lawyer in YOUR state, mom may be able to qualify for Medicaid. Don't take someone else's word for it and donrely on old information.

Period.

Family "steps up" in an emergency to advocate, arrange and facilitate. Not to have their lives hijacked.

KayCee, welcome!

You are "told by" a sibling that mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid?

Why is that?

Do you have POA for finances and Health care for your mom?

Why would you undertake her care if you don't have a full understanding of her finances and health?

What will you do if, after you've moved her in, you discover you can't leave her alone?

Can you afford to quit your job and care for her with no income coming in?

Settle ALL of these issues (what her health is like, what she qualifies for, how much she will pay for rent and caregiving) BEFORE she moves in.


Please.

A lot of good advice here!! Best immediate decision is DON'T DO IT! That's not being said to mean or anything but realize that as someone else stated - it's like having (for me) a large, loud, verbal infant. Yes my mother cared for me as a baby, toddler etc. But lifting and changing a 200+ lb. human was never required!! If she is in your home it is a 24/7 responsibility!!! No time off- no job allowed. I was able to get Medicaid for my mother ( who is NOT poor) and still...it is torture. She is immobile, non-weight bearing and incontinent. Hospital bed, hoyer lift etc is necessary. If not now.....it soon will. My mother was 223 lbs. at 5' 2" when she stopped caring for herself. She lives in her own home with 24/7 care and still I am challenged daily! Did the HHA show up? Is she getting her meds? What about groceries? Mom's complaint that HHA's don't know how to cook. Why am I not there full time? She wants me to move in to her home to live, cook, and clean for her since she did that for me as a child. Again....I was not a 223lb. incontinent child that was verbally aggressive and abusive. You have limits - we all do. I have no life as it is and she is NOT in my home. My children bare the brunt of her care since I am out of state. When in state - I can't see friends or family because she is "more important". People can't come into her home unless they visit with her! So - if I want to see someone we have to meet in the yard! I'm 68 and I'm dealing with this while my husband deals with his mother as well. We have no life PERIOD!! If she was in my home there would be NO privacy AT ALL. I'll stop here because I'm probably ranting now.

You are going to possibly experience stress you've never imagined and your job possibly will be significantly affected. As far as Medicaid and qualifying for it, as long as she can medically qualify for SNF care, she definitely can qualify financially. Ask yourself a question, what do you think would happen if you or your siblings weren't around? Do you think the AL facility would just dump her to the curb? No, that wouldn't happen. They would get the state involved and they would find placement for her. You don't have to take her to your home, but if you do it likely will develop into a 24/7 where she will take up all your attention and energy.

I did just that and moved my mom into my house after her house was sold. She has been with us about a month now. I absolutely adore and love my mom BUT I have NO time for myself, my family or my husband. Like none! She does have dementia, but still somewhat knows what is going on. She just needs to be watched 24/7 because she gets confused doing simple things but can do them when someone is guiding her. I am waiting for an opening at memory care, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t realize how exhausting and time wise that this move would be. My husband doesn’t understand why I am always tired. She walks around the house all night and I need to be up to watch her. So getting no sleep isn’t helping. I have no time for myself, she is basically a cling on. I have had to put work on hold because she can’t be by herself. It’s not easy. I wouldn’t recommend having her move in unless you want to put your life on hold indefinitely. If she is running out of funds there is no way that she wouldn’t be approved. You need to speak to an elder attorney. Good luck!

KayCee,

Don't rely on what your sibling says about Medicaid coverage. Talk to them yourselves.
I've never heard of Medicaid paying for an assisted living facility. They do pay for nursing homes and LTC though.
Medicare will not pay for your mother to have the number of caregiving hours she will need. They will not pay for someone to stay with her while you're away at work nine hours a day or more.
Your mother was in AL for a reason. Don't move her into your house. Please think it over a little more.
Here is what you most likely have coming if mom moves in.

-Quitting your job. Maybe right now can be left alone for short periods of time like length of a tv program. That will change fast once she's with you. You're her child so expect to become a nanny-slave to her every need and demand. Hopefully she has enough income to cover adult day care or full-time aides because Medicare only pays for a few hours of homecare a week, and they don't pay for daycare.
-No respite and no privacy. As mom grows more needy and demanding her feelings of being restricted and forgotten will grow a hundred times worse because you're her child. She will expect you to be by her side 24hours a day. Then resent you if you're not cheerful and smiling every moment. Don't expect any sibling help either. No helping to pay for homecare aides and no taking mom for a few days to give you a break.
-You may also get some attention-seeking behavior too. I'm not saying it's guaranteed, but I am saying it's very common. Elderly people can get very demanding and selfish if they're not the center of attention or the top priority in someone's life. So keep an eye out for things like fabricated health crises and even some staged "falls" to get attention.
-Be prepared to take on the role of scapegoat too. Not guaranteed, but very common. When mom misplaces something which she may have had fifty years ago or not at all, you stole it. You threw it away. You're taking her money. You're abusing her. You're starving her.
Be prepared for all of this.
I've been in homecare for almost 25 years and I will be honest with you. I have seen many families ruined and marriages broken up because a needy, elderly parent moves in.
A parent living with adult children can work out if the parents or parent start off independent and can contribute to the household and family. Like helping with childcare or doing chores. That's different than when you move them in because they're needy and elderly.
-Be prepared to no longer have a parent/adult child relationship. This happens often when a person has to become a caregiver to a parent. You stop being a son or daughter and become an employee to them.
Please think it over more. Medicaid will pay for LTC or memory care. Please explore these options before you decide anything.

Let’s see. There’s gonna be the refusal to do anything because she’s old. Accusing you of stealing things. Bringing up something that happened in your childhood. The you owe me senior brat behavior.

Then there’s the doctors appointments, and the shopping. The depends. The falls.

One day it might not be just a uti, but actual dementia. She’ll get 100 times worse.

Oh crikey. I really *wouldn't*...

First of all: you think your sister may not have explained to your mother that your mother's (supplemental) money has run out. Your sister says that your mother does not qualify for Medicaid. Your sister has experienced the rough end of the stick when your mother feels restricted and forgotten (I'm not sure I fully understand what you mean by this, but I get the gist I think). So either your sister has POA for your mother but is not informing your mother; or your sister does NOT have POA for your mother and has a headache from trying to manage regardless; and your sister steers clear of your mother while you see your mother face-to-face but, I imagine, not for long or very often...

It's got "hot mess" written all over it. And you want to take it home?

Are you on good terms with your sister?

You need:
- a detailed financial assessment
- all the information about day care and in-home support options beforehand, and not after she's moved in
- to consider ALFs near you
- a detailed care needs assessment

And with those things then you can think about it.

So what does your sister plan to do next, if indeed it is within her authority to do anything? How, why, did it become up to you to plan the next move?