Five years before she passed, my mother, with my step-sister’s help, wrote a document—amendments to her trust. It had thirteen paragraphs. One of them stated that, if, prior to [her] death, an excess burden should fall upon [me] that I should be entitled to a larger share of the family trust [than my five other siblings] because . . . . it is not [her]intent to require [me] to assume any such burden.
i realize the paragraph should have been written better to be more clear, but, I wasn’t consulted. I didn’t even know about the amendments until significant time had passed.
My mom was 98 when she passed.
Now that the time has come and I submitted a document stating what I thought was a fair amount for me to be compensated, I am ridiculed and subjected to scorn. The fact is, that for one and a half years, every bit of my time was devoted to taking care of my mom. There are six siblings, but I was THE ONE who took care of her. I didn’t even get any relief from the others except for about an hour and a half one day when I had the opportunity to go to my home to take care of some things for myself. I even lost my part-time job that I had held for nine years because I had to attend a few meetings at the rehab facility during work hours and make a few calls pertaining to her care.
I couldn’t look for a new job because I had to be available for my mom.
I have been told that the others don’t want their inheritance to be diminished because of my wanting to be compensated for caring for my mother. My co-trustee says it’s “unfair to other beneficiaries and contrary to their wishes.”
I’m wondering where they were when I needed help.
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My mother was very vocal about staying with me for the rest of her life but she didn’t want to spend her money in my house. Most of this was dues to my sister consulting her on the financial decisions. I basically put my foot down and I’m just waiting to be written off after my mother dies. I told my sister I’m not interested in having a relationship with her.
You deserve better
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As you can imagine, something set before the law that is thusly non-specific as to agreements and amounts in compensation and for WHAT exactly, if contested this is going to be difficult to defend.
I can't imagine how this was done, with whom (attorney?) and with what specifications, but the court is going to have to use their best judgement at this time, and as I said, read that as COSTLY. If no agreement is come to before a court case with arbitration, then try to get a clause that those contesting a settlement will pay ALL court costs.
I can only wish you luck, but I am suspecting this will be a "novel's worth" at the end, and only the attorneys will be enriched.
I hope against hope that this can be settled with good will and in arbitration before EVERYONE loses. Animosity makes some perfectly happy with losing everything, as long as you lose as well.
I hope this is a lesson for those currently doing caregiving and hoping to be compensated at some future time; it is unlikely to happen. Do it now.
I surely do wish you luck. But it in law sometimes the good guy finishes last.
Get all your info together. What you did on a daily basis. That siblings gave you little time to do for yourself. Find out in your area what a CNA gets an hour.
My question is, though, why did you feel you needed to care for Mom when she eventually went to an AL. Was the AL suggested after rehab and something the siblings were against initially? What I am trying to say were there options for Moms care that the siblings would not consider because of their inheritance. You caring for Mom meant free labor? Isn't it funny how people think. You do all the work and they reap the rewards. Mom must have realized who would do the caring.
You’re right. Mom knew who would do the caring. Even though Mom was in the assisted living facility, there were still details, details, details, and personal care needed. You can see “some” of this from the other responses I made to other people.
I’m just tired and want this to be over. I don’t want to fight. People can live with their consciences.
When I was paying for a CNA through Home Instead to care for Mom for a couple of hours on Saturdays and Sundays while she was still living in her condo, they charged $25 an hour. If we paid for many, many hours, they might have lowered it to $20. When I asked about overnight care I was told the rate was $25 an hour.
My stepsister said that instead of my moving in with my mom and caring for her 24/7 when she fractured her ankle, I should have “put her in” a rehab place because she was on Medicare at the time.
I checked on the deductible costs and co-pays, recently, to see what it would have cost for the three and a half month period. It was $24,000. I don’t know how she thought that would have been a bargain. Yet, she wanted to blast me for not taking that route.
Well, it’s all just a lot of irrational thinking, so there’s no sense in trying to understand it.
I said nothing ugly to my step-sister, but she did say plenty, on the phone and in emails. After our phone conversation, I sent her an email saying that I was going to try to forget the horrible things she said to me, but the next day she just doubled down, making things worse, until I just said (in my mind and to my stepbrother) “I’m done.”
After that, I only sent two one sentence emails. One asking what the burial cost will be and the other, what did she think was a fair figure for compensation for me. She has no answer for either question. However, I did get an apology email from her ten days later, saying that she did find copies of two important documents that she had insisted she had never seen. She had, in fact, received them three years ago. And, of course, during her previous mudslinging she had told me what a horrible memory I had and that it was absurd that I had not let her see them prior to this week.
Now, as it turns out, she is the one with the terrible memory.
So, thank you for trying to play the role of peacekeeper, but, much, much more would need to happen before I could overlook all of the things that have transpired.
Right now, I just want this nightmare to end.
Would your being paid require a deed of variation to [the terms of] a will? - because I happen to know, from sore experience, that such a deed requires the agreement of *all* beneficiaries.
I'm afraid this may turn out to be a case of "your mother should have thought of this before."
Ive never heard of a deed of variance, but this is not about a will. There was a trust, and amendments to the trust.
Thanks for your input. I appreciate all opinions and guidance.
In any case, the terms of your mother's amendment may not be as crystal clear as she'd intended. You and your sibling may have to go to court. Evidence of lost wages could bolster your argument. If you don't want to hire an attorney, consider how much money you wish to receive as compensation. Compare that to what it might cost to go to court. You might be better off monetarily to take your one-sixth of the trust assets. Another possibility is to ask your co-trustees, and even the trust beneficiaries, to attend a mediation. A good mediator versed in trusts and estates may be able to work out an agreement. Be aware though. If your mother clearly stated her intention that you be compensated for caring for her, the trustees are responsible to carry out those intentions. In general, the beneficiaries' wishes do not weigh against the clear terms of the amendment. As a very last resort, contact the Medicaid office in your mother's state. It's a long, long shot, but you might be eligible for compensation through the Medicaid system or even eligible to take title to her house. Very unlikely but take a shot.
The trust is a revocable trust and my step-sister and I are co-trustees. In our family there are three children on each side. When my mother and step-father were married, each brought three children to the marriage. When they set up the trust, they wanted one person to represent each side of the family. So, that was my step-sister and me.
Mind you, this has been going on for over three years. I don’t feel like I am representing “my” side at all because the whole set-up is more like a dictatorship with my step-sister wanting to call all of the shots and I am DONE.
I don’t think the trust says anything about how disputes are to be resolved, but I’ll have to read it again. It’s not a “quality” document. It came about because of a seminar that my parents went to and a whole lot of people were “snookered” into “taking “advantage of the offer”. (An attorney gave my mother and me this evaluation of the quality of the trust document after my step-father passed.)
I do have my W-2’s which will show very clearly the monetary effect of losing my job. I lost it at the end of May, so it will be easy to see the difference between my income for 2018 vs. 2017.
I really am not in the mood to do any fighting. I just want this to be over. I appreciate your suggestions.
I hope things have improved for you since you joined this group (and created your user name).
174,720 a year.
For 18 months, 262,080.
Thats the going rate, 20 percent over minimum.
But thanks for the input!
You are owed this money. Your step-sister can go pound sand. Is she even named in your mother's will? I would check with a lawyer because unless your mother legally adopted her step-daughter, she is not a legitimate heir unless she is named in her Will as one.
If you were putting in four hours a day at the rehab facility, that's work hours. If you made any calls, those are work hours.
Did you have POA or conservatorship over your mother? If you did then you are by rights entitled to be compensated. You can submit a bill to the estate when the will is probated.
There are options for you to get paid. Talk to a lawyer. Most first consultations are free.
it’s not a will. It’s a trust that continued on after my step-father passed in 2004. Yes, all six siblings are named in the trust.
Yes. I had Durable Power of Attorney. Now, I am a co-
trustee with my step-sister.
(I have heard about “glitches” when posting, and now I am experiencing that. Sometimes, I don’t have the opportunity to see some of what I have typed.)
I signed in and out whenever I went to the assisted living facility. I have a record of most of that log. Quite often, I was there for more than four hours. Sometimes I was there nearly the whole day—sometimes because I had to prove that my mom had not been bathed, even though they documented in their book that she had. (I also visited another facility to see if I could find someplace that would give her better care and actually respond when she “rang” that she needed help getting to the bathroom.)
One night I spent the night because a bug was going around and my mother needed someone by her side every minute, but the aide had other sick people to tend to.
Sometimes, I took her for haircuts. Once, we had to go get her new (Medicaid) hearing aides, and later to get them adjusted. We also went for a hearing test at a different hearing center because the Medicaid hearing aides weren’t very good, and I was hoping that she could get better ones from a benevolent foundation. Once a month, we went out for a bite to eat (like McDonald’s drive through or Taco Bell or Wendy’s) and a visit to the SPCA to pet the kitties.
I also had to take her to the Medicaid center to fill out new paperwork.
I could go on and on, but the point is that in the end, it was me and my mom. Whatever she needed, I supplied. I’m sure I wrote somewhere on here that I also did daily rehab with her, walking the halls, because Medicaid only provided rehab about twice a month from what I remember.
I have what feels like a hundred pages (not joking) typed up of all the things that I did for my mom during her last year and a half.
Well, too damn bad. The other beneficiaries were not stepping up to help out with your mom's care.
If she left it in writing that you should receive a larger share than the others for being her caregiver, I can't see how any judge in their right mind would not rule in your favor should it go so far as to end up in court.
Maybe your other siblings who did nothing to help need to see it laid out in black and white. Crunch some numbers here.
What it the general cost of a basic nursing home/LTC facility in your state? In my state the mediocre quality ones start at about $12,000 a month if it's private pay. Now I want you to multiply that cost by (18 months) that you were your mom's caregiver and kept her out of a facility.
Have the other "beneficiaries" consider what their potential inheritance would look like if your mom was placed for the time you were her caregiver. That is if there would be any inheritance left for them to collect upon.
I don't know how much larger a percentage your mother wanted you to have. I would say to add up what the private pay cost would have been to keep her in nursing home/LTC for that eighteen months. Your cut should be 35 percent of that figure in addition to what your original inheritance is. This is what's fair.
I did ask for compensation for the time when she was in the assisted living facility because I was there doing rehab with her and overseeing her care. They liked to falsify records there at the assisted living facility unless I watched them constantly, for example, they documented showers, when Mom had in fact, not been bathed. I spent at least four hours there every day, plus did additional work for her at home. I had to do triple backflips to come up with ways to pay for her care there because the $1300 she got from social security didn’t even half pay the bill, plus, I had to continue paying all the bills for her condo.
Prior to all of this, Mom fractured her ankle, so I moved in with her because she was completely helpless. My mom wrote up a document saying that I should be compensated for that four month period of time at the token rate of $850 per week. ( A bargain, because Home Instead said they would charge $25 an hour for overnight care— and Mom did need help in the night.)
My step-sister recently criticized me, saying that I should have put Mom in rehab for that time period, She said, instead of my asking for $14,000 compensation for myself, I could have gotten Medicare to pay for a rehab facility charge for those four months.
Well, besides the fact that the doctor didn’t order that, if Mom had spent the time in a rehab facility, the charge would have been $24,000 because of the deductible and co-pays that Medicare charges.
My step-sister also points out that there was no oath [notary public] and there weren’t two witnesses for that document.
The fact was that Mom was completely confined to her home because of the many steps outside her front door that would have had to be navigated if she went anywhere. Plus, it never occurred to us that we would need to have that document notarized and witnessed. It was obvious that she had written it, signed it and dated it.
The fact is that this may have to go to court. My step-sister and I are deadlocked over many issues, (it’s been three and a half years, almost), so I will have to have an attorney represent me as co-trustee so we can get this finished.
The way you expressed it sounds reasonable & fair.
Your siblings may see it differently. That you made your choice to be caregiver, as a free adult can choose to do. Therefore any job loss/financial consequences are also yours.
Can you keep everything on a pleasant level? Don't burn your bridges with family..
But find your own legal advice. The best outcome would be fair renumeration to you PLUS keeping family relationships intact.
Oh. Now I see it at the top. That’s a funny place for it, but hopefully, you will see it.