Does anyone think about assisted suicide so you won't end up like your parents?

I seriously wish to have the right to end my life, should I be diagnosed with Alzeheimer/dementia. BUT my more intense reaction, to my parent’s poor health/dementia, and mom’s very difficult mobility issues, is too stay as healthy as possible. To do what I did not see role modeled. The women on mom’s side were inclined to be obese, overweight, not active, so I’ve worked hard, to stay a healthy weight, move daily, stay active and live with discipline. It’s ingrained in me to live one day at a time, cause I got sober, with 12 steps, at age 24, almost 40 years ago, and those steps guide me daily. Thankful. Every. Day.

Instead of feeling like I’m going to end up like my elders, I’m doing my best to stay independent, continue challenging myself, keep learning tech, embrace change, declutter, all the stuff I saw my MIL doing, but she still got Alzeheimers. My own mom did very little of those things, and she is dealing more with loss of mobility, but def has dementia. Both our parents have official diagnoses of memory loss disease, but their memories are better than they are bad, now. They still know us kids, remember lots, but forget lots.

So if it gets me, I’d appreciate opting out, but will plan, with my husband for what we do, if not possible. We used to joke that since we want to go together, we’d simply jump on an iceberg, and float off to our fate, happily heading for whatever is next, together. As we age, we realize it is better to make actual realistic plans, because burdening our children, with our lack of preparation, or because we wanted things done our way, with no regard to the burden it will bear on our two kids, is not for us.

I feel like a traitor, even writing these words, but living under this, the past 4-8 years, watching our parent’s deteriorating health, and their increasing dependence, on their youngest daughter, our youngest sister, has also made life tough. I won’t go into it here, but things are the way they are because it is the way our mom, dad and sister want it. They live together, always have, their choice, never discussed with the three older sisters. It is what it is.

This is my first post, and the subject brought me out from under the covers, as I’ve been lurking this forum, for over four years. You’ve helped keep me sane. We’re all just doing our best to support our sister and parents, always have, too much to say to tell the story, but know that lack of communication is deadly, and memory loss disease, combined with immobility, incontinence and poor health, is a lot to deal with, so I want the easy way out, in case doing everything possible to avoid it, does not work.

Thanks for having a place for people to go for excellent, honest, caring advice. I’ve experienced how much people can help each other, just by sharing their troubles and solutions. It works!

I'm surprised and strangely comforted to learn that I'm not the only one who has thought about suicide rather than live with dementia. I've watched my mother decline over the years. She's in memory care now, and somewhat adjusting. I have no children or family to help me (who would help me) and I know now that I wasted many years "helping" my mother instead of living my life, maintaining friendships, working two more years, so much more. I don't want to do that to anyone. Maybe I'm feeling negative because I haven't yet recovered from all years of caregiving.

I want a cocktail of meds that will send me off peacefully into the abyss. I'll get my own personal stash (saving up for that rainy day) and wash it down with an exquisite glass of wine. Seriously, watching my mother decline from Vascular Dementia, I know this is a place I never want to visit. Although she has been demanding and manipulative her entire life, and I still (working on it) harbor many grievances, this has been a very long, hard road for all of us. As we boomers age it will strain our health care system beyond capacity.......I think it is imperative we all have the choice to die with at least some shred if dignity. There is no humanity in making people live under such dire circumstances.

Yes. I want to make a pact with my husband. I have 2 grandparents who lived to 98 in nursing homes. Terrible existences. I have a mother who is 91 and immobile. I can't stand her life. She is either on her last legs or oblivious at my visits. Other direct descendants died early because they smoked or didn't frequent visiting doctors. I do my best at almost 66 to eat well and exercise but I fear ending up like any relatives I described.

My frustration with my mother has to do with a number of issues. She has had so many periods dating back to my childhood when she couldn't cope and stayed in bed. She practiced Christian Science. That did not solve two hip and one knee replacement along with countless other issues. I tried to have her be healthier.

During Covid she developed a septic infection. She spent time in a hospital and was released to rehab and then SN. She hasn't walked since. 9 months ago she was dropped by an aid who went against protocol and both her femurs were broken. She then developed a horrific bedsore which she still has. She has to be catheterized. I feel very bad about all of this but there is nothing else for me to do but visit and see countless residents whose quality of life is nonexistent at least from my viewpoint. Crying, screaming for help or totally out of it. I don't know how anyone could want this.

I have already taken legal steps to be placed in a very good local residential care center with a “stepped placement” set up so that my care will be appropriate to my needs, and I have always been focused philosophically on the intention that miracles are identified and discovered every other day.

If a medication comes along that actually does restore cognitive integrity, I’ll want it to be tried on earth.

My own LO is presently declining significantly, as did her mother and my mother, but SOME of the other members of this side of my family, even with significant disease process (PD), retained their cognitive integrity to the very end. No extraordinary measure will be provided, but she receives exemplary care in her SNF, and I keep an eye on things almost everyday.

I’m too nosy to want to cut myself off from my natural future, whatever it may hold.

Nothing at all contentious here. We all need to think this out and do the best we can for ourselves.

I don't think about that for myself, just want to be comfortable and not in a lot of pain. My husband though talks about finding a way out before he becomes unable to take care of himself. We are 73 and 76 and both have our individual health issues that will for sure get worse, but we eat right and exercise to stave off the inevitable. I try to live in the now. He worries. Interesting topic. I like to think that I do not know until I get there how I will feel about being really sick, but the dementia diagnosis keeping one from deciding for themselves certainly is concerning. My father committed suicide and I wish either a medication to stop his pain had been found or an assisted suicide had been available to him instead of the violent way he went out. It was too horrifying for those of us left behind.

I am 68 years old, my father passed when I was a child, and I lost my mom to lung cancer thirty years ago. I thank my mother daily for leaving the way she did. Her cancer had metastisized to her bones but went undiagnosed for 4-5 weeks. During that time, I visited her at home 2-3 times a week, to help around the house or just chat. She was always in a pleasant mood, due to the opiates they used to prescribe :) and we had long, intimate talks about life and memories. We still didn't know she was terminal, but one night she collapsed (she was married). Once she was in the hospital and diagnosed, her mental facilities instantly declined and when she became frightened, I asked the doctor to please give her something to calm her. He did, and she was transferred to a local nursing home where she was put on morphine. When her pain became unbearable, I told the staff to feel free to increase the dosage to keep her as comfortable as possible. She lived the few days it took for everyone to say goodbye, then again, I encouraged the doctor to increase the medication and she peacefully slipped away. I often wonder if the doctor purposely helped her along. I like to think that my passing will be as peaceful and drama free as my mom's, but my how times have changed. I have made my own plans and let my kids know they won't have to go through the pain of fighting with siblings over who is going to take care of me! None of us want to be a burden, but we probably not leave as gracefully as my mom did.

So, now at 68, I see my friends watching and caring for their 95 year old parents, watching them swim upside down like a dying goldfish for what seems like forever, fighting with siblings for time or inheritance, and I am so thankful my parents (my step father, too) went so early and quickly. It is the most loving thing to do. At some point, it will be too late to have any say in our treatment. That is the what scares me the most. Thanks, mom, and don't worry about me, kids, I have a plan.

I hope to assist myself.. with all the pills we are placed on as we age it should not be hard. I just hope I don;t forget where I put them. ( Still Alice)

I have to say that anyone considering a bullet a good option, should really take a long drive into the wilderness. Because doing this in your home is as effed up as it gets. It is life long trauma for whomever finds your mess.

Do it where nobody but wild animals will have to see your carcass.

Hi Fedup,

I am also concerned about my own possible end of life, as my mother died from dementia and both my sisters have Alzheimer’s. I’ve care for them all and I don’t envision that for myself. I volunteer with End of Life Washington and have assisted 30 or more people using Death with Dignity, otherwise known as medical aid in dying. It is fast and peaceful and the body does not blow up, as one person below indicated. However, it is not available for Alzheimer’s and dementia patients. There are two other options. VSED or Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking is one way. It takes about two weeks and requires caregivers and a death doula is recommended. One drawback is that the required care for two weeks is expensive and usually out of pocket. See VSEDResources.com for more info.
Another option is Final Exit Network. Both are legal and can get the job done.
I’m only providing information and not making recommendations. But, I am passionate about both my roles of caregiving and helping people die. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk more or just visit Endoflifewashington.org to see what kind of advanced planning options there are.