Moving with parents to a different state?

Agree with MeDolly back at 1st reply & all the others.
If it's time for a change & a move, do it. But try before you buy. Take a few holidays to areas you like before a permanent move.

Separate the two issues first;
1. Moving
2. Parents

Have a think about what you REALLY want from life. To live, your job, your interests/hobbies. If city or regional is for you?

Don't be fooled by the illusion.. by putting on a Super-Daughter Cape to save your dear old Dad, by swooping him up & flying him somewhere warm, bringing Mother too. The thought is nice - but you could find you lose a lot more than you gain. Lose your freedom, your identity & become a 'Cinderella', a servant-child.

Don't hide behind the Cape: Reach out towards your own life plans. Maybe some career councelling or life coaching may shine the light towards a new path?

Kimyashi, I see from your profile your Mom is only 76 years old, that is young by today's standards, and she could easily live another 20 years.

Moving isn't easy for a senior, especially going someplace they never been. That means all new doctors, dentist, hairdresser/barber, new grocery stores, new drug stores, the list goes on and on. Even when watching the local news, all new faces. Learning all new streets, finding new friends.

You, yourself, could also move to northern Virginia. There is Reston which is like Columbia, Md, a planned community. And there is a Metro subway stop in Reston that goes into D.C.

We have a lot of members in your situation. Unless you are willing to bow down to every demand your mother has, with a smile on your face, living with your parents will not work. Its hard taking care of a sweet lady like my Mom, but to care for 2 people and one being a narcissist will not work. Where is your brother in all this, doing his own thing? See your are the compassionate one, the one that a narcissist can manipulate. I bet dear brother is the Golden boy who is asked to do nothing and you have worked all your life to feel love from Mom. No matter what you do for this woman it won't be enough. You will never hear her say "I love you" because she does not know how to love. The only person she loves is herself.

There are nice towns surrounding DC. My sister lived in Laural and Columbia. Columbia is a planned community. My sister used to ride the train into DC. I think you can live further out and still see ur parents. I would not live with them. You go to GA and leave them in DC thats at least a 10 drive. Most of ur weekend will be on the road.

I think I would save GA for another time, maybe when ur parents are gone.

Sorry - move to a different state, where you know nobody and they know nobody, with your parents? These parents? The ones you describe thus:

"Narc mom who emotionally abuses me and dad is an angel. He just had a heart attack because of her stressing him out. She gets jealous when I pay tender attention to him. At this point I realize im helpless and can do nothing but watch them and let them be. I did get them a condo so they can seperate if need be. Im on eggshells each day thinking of what news I hear from them (the’re out of state)."

Have you lost your mind?

The risk is not in moving to another state, the risk is in living with 2 declining people and you are only 1 person and don't seem to understand that you will be quickly overwhelmed by their ever-increasing needs. Please read some of the other posts on this forum by loving, well-meaning adult children who have tried this unwise "solution".

You seem to be a planner, which is good. You just need to be a realistic planner in this case. You need to do your homework very thoroughly or you'll get stuck and burned out and then lament in your own later years about being a martyr and how it ruined your life. Do you have a spouse and kids? What's your plan for yourself?

You are currently romanticizing this living together scenario. Not being your parent's total solution for their care does NOT mean you don't love them. Burnout is real and devastating and you MUST take heed from those who have gone before you. Did you know full-time caregivers have a 20% higher chance of dying before their charges? If something happens to you first, where will that leave your parents?

Maybe consider:
- Not living with them but very near them
- They move into a senior community that starts with IL, but also has AL, MC, LTC and hospice on campus
- on the condition that they assign you DPoA, and create Advance Healthcare Directives and make you their Medical Representative (a HIPAA info privacy thing that is separate from MPoA)
- and getting their agreement that when their care becomes overwhelming to you, that you WILL need to explore other care options, like them paying for in-home aids, Adult Daycare or transition into a facility. FYI paying for 24/7 in-home will exceed the cost of a nice facility.

You will get lots of unvarnished perspectives on this thread. Please go into this with your eyes wide open.

Kim, don’t blame your Koreanness for the fact that you bought your parents a condo while you in fact still rent or the fact that you actually are thinking of moving to a state and cohousing with them. As a Korean American myself, you don’t have a Korean problem, you have an enmeshment issue.

YOU would "really love living together"?

From your profile and previous posts:

"I am caring for my mother Young, who is 76 years old, living in my home with age-related decline."

"They are impossible to help but im doing my best. Im emotionally abused by mom and dad has major heart issues. So scared "
 
"Im also tormented and emotionally abused by narcissist mom. Dads an angel but useless because he listens to her and enables her. Have a brother but a narcissist. Got a condo for them 25 minutes away but who knows if they will come. They’re in a different state w brother. Mom doesn’t want to be with my dad nor cook for him and he just got out of hospital with major heart issues."

"My brother is useless. Itll only cause conflict when I ask him so sadly I just do what I want/need to."
 
"Im 49 and my brother is a narcissist and blames me for everything although hes the black sheep of the family. Im the doting daughter. We didnt talk for two yrs but he reached out passively and of course because he wants me involved financially. I got parents a condo and hes a free bird after he committed but pulled out."

So. Your profile states your mother lives in your home. Does she? YOU paid for the condo for your parents? Why? What is their financial situation? When did they move to the DC area?

Can you just uproot your job, or will you have to get another one in Georgia? Why are you sacrificing your life for them? Why would you want to live with them, considering the emotional abuse from your mother that you mentioned several times?

I just can't understand the martyrdom that certain societies expect from their kids, AND that kids go along with it.

If you want to move to Georgia then move there, IMO living together is a real bad idea, if you force the issue with your parents there will be a price to be paid in the future.

An adult living with their parents is not ever an ideal situation, sounds like they are still younger and doing fine, let it be, do whatever you want to do.