Mother-in-law in hospice care, grieving husband. Any words of advice?

Hello All,
I am posting again, to update on my mother in laws current state as well to prepare myself for the journey that we will be through with the wisdom and words that have been posting by all of you. My mother in law is now on her final stage of Alzhimers we have seen the sudden decline back in July when she had gotten a UTI. And now the hospice team has given her about 2 weeks.

I dont know if i brought this up before, but i do have 3 small children, 7, 5, and 1yr old. I spoke to them about their grandma being ill back in July and my son (7) took it very hard after seeing her not speak or being able to open her eyes. I am starting to get a little worried about how they might react to this current news. As it is hard as an adult to deal with grief and I am worried it might scar them.

My husband's birthday just passed and I gave him a book of pictures if his mother with our children and his siblings. We've visited with her many times between my last post and my mother in law had also become a grandmother to another grandaughter of her other son.

She has been through so much with falls, and infections, and hospitalizations and the progression of her illness among it all. Now it seems the time is near.

I just want to thank you all so much for being so kind to others on here looking for advice or just an ear. Many prayers are going to be needed for me and my family and may strength find us all during our most weakest times.

Start attending a grief support group like GriefShare. The members are all people who have journeyed through loss to peace or somewhere on that journey. They can give you the best advice.

Your husbands grief has a name. It's called "Anticipatory grief." Google it and therapy and support groups will be helpful.

Find a grief support group in your area. I recommend GriefShare since all the members have gone through or are going through the grief process. You will find your best advice and support from this type of group.

Words are always insufficient when it comes to grief. There is nothing you can say except tell your husband you are there to listen any time he wants to talk. Actions may help a bit like hugs and fixing his favorite meal. Sometimes sweets are soothing but nothing can take away his pain (and yours) except time which merely mutes it.

Emarirod: Saying that you will have to be your husband's rock sounds trite, but it is true. Prayers sent.

i want to add something else, encourage your husband to talk about his mother, maybe a few funny stories will come out and you can all have a laugh - it relieves the tension for a little. Good luck

when you lose both parents you feel like an orphan - during the sickness period of a parent many many thoughts go thru your mind - your childhood is slipping away even tho you will those memories, you are still someone's child when parent is living, your own mortality comes into mind, i'm sure it's different for everyone but i do believe that most people have these thoughts. it depends on how your child hood was and how close you were to your parents. does your husband have siblings bc that helps. just be kind you can't do anything about it, let him grieve and hold his hand, or a hug - eventually grieving does go away - at least the outward emotional signs but the heart never stops grieving.

Regarding knowing what to say, and what you can do to “be there” for your husband and his family.
You can say nothing with a facial expression and body language of empathy. You can give hugs and say I’m sorry this is happening. You can say, let me know if there is something I can do. Don't feel obliged to say something. Listening is usually the best thing.

As for being there - Be sensitive to you husband’s and family’s cues. You will be able to naturally read those signals and act accordingly. For instance, if you talk and he doesn’t answer look and see if he is quaking, and choked up and so needs a semi-long loving hug which will often beat out words by miles. 

And when a family member needs shoring up you simple sit next to them, if they are open for it, simply touch their hand and sense if they only need an ear. Ask if they want a coffee, or to be accompanied for a walk. Let them lead the conversation. 

As for apologizing for having living parents - Don’t ever, ever vocalize that even if it’s to explain your awkward and uncomfortable feelings and lack of the imagined magic words. This show is not about you. Bite the bullet. Loss is inevitable. When your time comes you will not reject the kind expression of commiseration from even a clueless child or dog. Sweet is sweet and that’s understood and appreciated even when people trip over their words in such a situation.

What is you role - You are part of a family, attending/witnessing a life experience, becoming part of a unique shared history. These milestones entwines, binds and identifies yours as a family.

Is your MIL lucid? If she is reminisce with her. Gently thank her for whatever, include for giving you such a terrific husband. Ask her if there is something she’d like you to do? Perhaps you can bring her a family album. Does she have houseplants that need watering. 

Hospice is new to her too, she may not know what to ask for. See if she’d like a little ice cream or something from outside hospice. Ask the attendants if they have some ice cream. If they do great and maybe very good enough. Next time bring in her favorite.

During quiet times, hold her hand and give her a gentle smile with eyes that do not show pity and sadness but that sparkle instead with a look that says I’m here, and you’re wonderful.

Emarirod, you sound like a very good hearted and good thinking person. You're probably doing better than you realize.
Warmest regards,
M

I just read a novel where one character wished another in the same situation. "I pray for strength for you." It seemed like a nice wish. The Irish used to say "I am sorry for your troubles." I found when I was grieving not many people really wanted me to talk about my feelings. And my feelings were intense and bubbling over. If you can be comfortable with allowing that, and indicate that you are, it could be very helpful. I think your saying you cannot really understand his feelings but are concerned for him is
a wonderful way to start such a conversation.

First thing to acknowledge is that you are grieving too and often acknowledging that is helpful for the family. You aren’t an outsider, she is your MIL and you love and care about her too, this does not mean, make it about you but you can be supportive and share the grieving at the same time. Your husband will share a part of this with his siblings that you can’t, allow that and enable him to share it with you in a way he can’t with his siblings. Try not to “force” anything instead support and make room for whatever they need, especially your husband, supporting his siblings, your children if you have any as well as nieces and nephews may very well be a big part of the support he needs. Everyone grieves in their own way and time, there is no right or wrong way to do this. I would go with him to visit as much as possible as long as he wants it and act as a bridge or intermediary when needed given her Alzheimer’s, make each visit as long or short as needed and give him the space to talk about it or not afterward. Take photo albums with you even to help her go back to happier times and reminisce with your husband and family. Again offer the tools but try to let things happen organically, if you will, rather than force what you have in your head should be happening. Draw on the Hospice care providers too, in my experience they are there as much for the family as the patient and are always willing to offer support.

Love your MIL, your husband and your family just as you are. Love yourself too, you are all grieving and will be for a while. Sending lots of positive energy and strength your way.

Just be yourself. Whatever you say or do will be appropriate. Do talk with the Hospice nurse about what other services the offer - usually social worker, home care workers and volunteers in addition to chaplains. AS always be there for your husband and family. Don't beat yourself about making sure you do/say the right things. It is what comes from the heart that really matters. Knowing that you are there is the best support you can give.

Hi Em. Most nh placements are done months, maybe years, after the issue becomes obvious. The family knew, but now have to come to grips with what they know.

First...the 6 months or fewer is on paper, not an actual date that means anything. My husband was on Hospice for almost 3 years.
Please have him take advantage of the Hospice Chaplain. There is also a Social Worker that the family can talk to if there are any questions.
Nothing really will change the course of events. Having Hospice will be another set of caring eyes and a well trained staff that will make sure that your MIL is comfortable.

Thank you for your responses. I will definitely look into having a chaplain or some sort of counseling suggested for the family.

My in laws were/are pretty young i believe. My father in law passed away at 56 but he was bedridden for a long time from a stroke. And my mother in law i believe is only in her early 60s. She started showing signs of dementia shortly after her husband died.

I dont believe they thought they wouldn't lose their parents. But i think it is just the series of these unfortunate events happening so close together, back to back, that is kind of broken their spirits and left them feeling unlucky in life. And they are not close to their extended family as well so they kind of feel alone in this and trying to rally together amongst themselves.

Hospices employ a chaplain who is not religious unless you want him to be. Their job is to help families through the grief process not just after, but especially before. Give them a call.

All you really can do is to 'be there' for DH, loving and supportive.

He's still grieving his father's death 6 years ago? That's a long time, really. Did he expect his parents would never die? All families go through some sort of what you're experiencing. MOST families will see their parents go before they do. That is the 'norm'.

Are your inlaws quite young? Or had they had long, happy lives?

Everyone will lose someone they love, it's the nature of life. I'm sorry your hubby is suffering from such grief. Maybe some counseling with a grief counselor will help.