What do I do if I can't care for my parent anymore due to their mental condition and way they treat my children?

Ang, you can not be arrested for saying you can not take care of her or safely meet her care needs. She is not a minor, nor has she been legally declared incompetent with you made her guardian, those are the only 2 things that would make you responsible for her.

The term unsafe discharge is what you will say when they want to send her back to your house. "Sorry, I am not picking her up. She has more care needs then can be met safely in my home and her coming back here is an unsafe discharge."

Let her rant and threaten. Unless you actually abuse her, you have nothing to worry about.

APS has to respond to complaints, period. Mandated reporters have to report complaints, period. Don't be fearful of this truth, it could work in your favor. You can say this is nothing compared to what she does in the privacy of my home and it is no longer safe for my children or her and I can no longer meet her care needs, period.

Listen, hospitals are great for making BS threats about what will happen if we don't dance to their tune. They are only trying to NOT do their jobs, if they can dump her back on you, they don't have to find a facility to meet her needs. Ignore them and repeat, She can't come back to my home, it is not safe as her needs CAN NOT be met here. She needs a facility and if the state needs to get emergency guardianship, that's okay.!!

I found that getting myself educated to my rights and speaking with confidence changed how I was dealt with. When I spoke with obvious confidence the hospital started doing their job.

Spend some time asking questions here, we have all been through the hospital nonsense. Research your state laws on POA and use that information to say, she won't assign and I am not willing to accept the responsibility of being her legal representative.

Telling the hospital no is always met with pressure from them, so know this and know that you are not legally obligated to be your moms caregiver. You CAN SAY NO!

You can do this! Heads up, it will be hard and the hospital will threaten you, she will threaten you, APS will show up again but, you don't have to take her back in to your home.

Great big warm hug filled with strength. You got this!

You sound as though your closest hospitals are particularly adept at threatening you. If they say again that they will “report me and I could be arrested for abandonment”, your answer is ‘Go right Ahead’! Any investigation is going to help you. And ‘abandonment’ is a crime I haven’t heard of anyway. Just stick to your guns and refuse to take her back. The stronger you sound, the quicker the hospital will get the message.

Below in a reply you revealed:

"In response to my siblings, neither will help whatsoever...because she was abusive when we were young."

And why would they want to help her? You must now recognize that you have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her. You are under no moral, ethical or legal obligation to care for such a person. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Keep working with social services. The next time she acts out take her to the hospital and refuse to pick her up. The hospital will hound you but you just stop answering their calls, just keep saying "no", that she's an "unsafe discharge" and DO NOT go get her. DO NOT become her PoA. You can't do it, you should not do it and you must protect your family and livelihood. Let the county acquire guardianship of her.

Her medical condition includes a damaged brain, creating a need for 24 hour care in a safe setting, with trained staff that can try to keep her safe, clean, medicated, and with basic needs met. She has no safety awareness, no ability to control her actions, is at risk of harm to self and others. She can not accurately assess the situation and choose appropriate responses. For example, could not recognize meaning of a smoke alarm, would not know what to do if a pipe burst, cannot identify 911 as correct number/cannot dial phone, etc.
She needs skilled nursing care available at all times. She is not able to benefit from PT, OT, etc. due to psychiatric symptoms. She likely needs to be in a locked unit, even once she is stabilized on psychiatric medications.
None of her needs can be met well enough in the community for her safety.
You and your children need to be safe in your own home, and she cannot return.

As a community nurse and former APS worker, this is a situation that would 'have my hair on fire', as the saying goes. You and your children could benefit from counseling. The anxiety of living with her has caused fear for all of you, and you deserve care and comfort.

Next time she threatens you or any one in the house you call 911 and inform the dispatcher that you are being threatened and that you feel unsafe.
Next time she is taken to the hospital you talk to the Hospital Social Worker and make it VERY clear that she can NOT be discharged back home that it is unsafe for you and other members of the family.
Is anyone POA for health or financial affairs? If she is not competent it is probably to late for her to assign POA. Someone would have to become her Guardian. If this is something that you will not do then another family member, if they refuse she would become a Ward of the State and the State would become her Guardian. (you may want to discuss these options with an Elder Care Attorney)

Your mother needs to be placed in a care facility. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Your first priority has to be to your kids and yourself. So please forget about PT, OT, and psych nursing because they aren't going to help anything. Your mother cannot receive the level of care she needs at your house anymore. She needs care facility placement. Please don't get talked into homecare because it's not going to work for your situation. I've worked homecare for almost 25 years. Trust me when I tell you that when a person is as bad off and out of it as you describe her here, homecare will be no help.
Please speak to her social worker (I'm sure she has one) and insist that they find her care facility placement.
You can still help her by being her advocate.

The next time she has a tantrum or threatens you or your kids you need to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital, tell them you are afraid for your safety and the safety of your kids, you know she can’t control herself but they aren’t finding the right medication combo and you can’t have her back in your home. Hopefully they will send her for a residential psyc eval but wether they do or not they have to find a safe and appropriate place for her. No matter how much they tell you she is fine to go home now or how much she claims you are abandaning her you need to stick to your guns, for the safety of your children and the hopeful rescuing of their relationship with their grandmother she can not come back to your home. Then if you feel up to it in the hospital and once she is placed go visit, visit as often as you want. You aren’t abandoning her you are taking the best care of her you can because she needs more professional care than you can give. You are protecting your children who need you to protect them even more than she does and you are trying to foster a path to a better relationship and memories for your children and their grandmother. When you feel comfortable and that it’s time they can visit her too in her new home. This will be hard but you need to do it for her, for your children and for yourself.

Below in a reply you revealed:

"In response to my siblings, neither will help whatsoever...because she was abusive when we were young."

You allowed your mother into the inner sanctum where your children are. You didn't see the boundary. Have you considered seeing a therapist yourself so that you can identify and create healthy boundaries? Through her abuse, your mother made it a point to destroy your ability to do this yourself. She's still doing it and now you're allowing your children to be exposed to the same treatment. You won't be able to "fix" your mother or her situation or make her happy. You're not responsible for her happiness. May you gain clarity and then peace in your heart.

It seems like it is time for your mother to make a memory care unit her permanent home,

" I took her to a crisis center to see if she needed her meds adjusted, I stayed the entire time until a nurse told me to leave. The crisis center transferred her to a hospital where she told them I dropped her off there because I didn't want her." If the crisis center knew you brought her in, how did the hospital think you abandoned her? That is crazy and APS should have called the CC to confirm you brought her in! I hate that they thought you were at fault! And calling you at 1 am is nuts.. I would have said I couldn't leave my kids home alone a that time in the morning. How did you come to be caring for Mom? And how did the other kids get out of the deal? If her Dr thinks she needs all that help, I think you could refuse to bring her home next time.. unsafe discharge and all that!