Has anyone felt guilty for just wishing their parent would die?

We all have feelings and it's fine to own them. Feelings have no power unless we give them power. You're not going to go out and kill your mother, so wishing she weren't here anymore is a feeling you're entitled to have w/o guilt or remorse or any other feeling/emotion tied to it. Own it, acknowledge it, and move on from it. Your mother will die when it's her time to die, and that's that. Wishing she wasn't a toxic influence in your life anymore is what you're REALLY wishing for, if you think about it. It's not like you're rubbing your hands together coming up with an evil plot to do away with her. You just want this crap OVER WITH already. In the 'enough is enough' category, and we've all been there with someone we love at one time or another. Someone who's sucked the joy right out of us, let's face it.

Drop the guilt and set down some hard boundaries with mom; decide what you will and will not do that won't leave you feeling so burned out that you're wishing she'd be gone from your life permanently. Fix what's broken, to the best of your ability, and leave the rest behind. If that means you take a month break from the woman, do it. Whatever it takes.

Good luck!

Stop with the guilt, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s okay to be sad that it can’t be different or better, but guilt is misplaced. I also hope you’ll stop believing that you need to be all to your very ill mother, her current situation doesn’t mean you should listen to her rude comments. And the ALF can help with her transportation. The reality is that if you don’t stop and care for yourself, no one else will. Don’t give up your health and well being to this. As for wishing she’d die, it’s understandable, but don’t make it your focus. Focus on making the here and now better for yourself. I wish you peace

There are many hurts in your background, but you also have great resilience & strength. More than you know.

"I am chauffeur, bill payer, recipient of all guilt-laden comments, chore-runner... you know the drill".

Yes.

This is my standard question for those I meet in your situation: What if you couldn't do it?

What if you broke both ankles & couldn't chauffeur? Had Covid brain-fog & couldn't pay bills? I dunno.. went with your SO to live in Europe, forever?

Mom would find alternatives, right? Catch a taxi? Get more delivered? Obtain a paid agency caregiver to be her 'runner'?

Remeber Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? In the end she didn't really need the bad witch to die to be released from Oz. She just needed to WANT to go home & then click her heels.

I'm thinking here.. if you do WANT to quit & gave notice.. what would happen?

Some people weigh up the 'care burden' & decide, afterall, they DO wish to stay 'in service'. As it makes them feel useful & dutiful, despite the burden.

Only you can decide if you want to continue this way, & which is the better deal: Helping but feeling trapped VS free but feeling regrets.

Maybe a compromise.. finding the right balance for you eg less helping, more freedom. What would that look like?

I can really relate to your story and don't blame you one bit for how you feel. Your kids would feel the same about you if they had lived through that. You love her and don't like her? I've often wished my mom passed peacefully. And guess what? I could then mourn her and become nostalgic of the few moments I felt her love and care.

My mom has been a royal pain in my a**, soul sucking vampire for most of my life. I still love and care for her but it's been rough. My brother cut her off so it's just me. However, the best advice my brother gave me is, "this is bigger then us, let's get her into the system and get as many social services in place. "

This has saved me. I communicate with people who are working with her. It would be madness if I was managing her. I also pay her bills, provide food delivery, manage her rides but I can manage those things. It's her and her tirades (and draining personality) I can not manage.

"Death is not a punishment." I attended a funeral where the minister kept repeating this line. It stuck with me. Life can often be a greater punishment. My mom's quality of life is not great. Give yourself a hug and figure out a way to do less for her. You're well being is more important.

Scully, you're not really wishing your mother would die: you're wishing you could be done with the living hell of her, so be done. I am a much more terrible person than you are. Your mother is in a safe place. I think you should just wish her well and go live the rest of your life with the people that love you. Life is getting shorter as we speak. Pay your mother's bills online and find other people to cart her around and take her abuse. Go live your life.

my mother is going to be 89 this year and I'm in my late 50's. If you are bad then like the rest of us we are bad too. A friend of mine who's in a similar situation with both of his parents asked me " do you ever hope that a tornado will hit where your mom lives and just take her" My honest answer was yes. Don't feel guilty these feelings are normal. My suggestion speak with a counselor and work with them on those exact feelings. My dad died 20+ years ago and I'm so mad at him for leaving me to deal with my mom there are some days I want to go dig him up and yell at him till I'm hoarse. The worst part about it is I also have a lot of empathy for him because he's dead and free of her.

First of all, I am sorry for your loss. Suicide in a family member must be a horrific thing to endure, my son is suicidal so I do spend inordinate amounts of time trying to 'prepare' myself for if he goes through with it someday.

I am the same age as you and deal with my father who I placed in a nursing home two months ago. We did not have a good relationship and I have the same dialogues as you. My brother lives out of state and checked out when he did that years ago so I am alone, except for the support of my husband (who has his own mother's care to deal with). I wish they would both die, they are both very old and have outlived any quality of life. Then I could move to a tiny lake house, and work from home until my retirement in 3.5 years, work on myself and my marriage and get out of this Groundhog Day trap that you refer to. I am learning not to feel guilty, but to feel grief, as I'm sure others will advise. But even then, the pervasive sadness and limbo are not relieved by that mindset either.

I suppose we must bloom where we are planted. I am trying and I wish peace for you as well.

If it's bad, then I am bad too. I'm the 'chosen one' of my mother's two daughters.. for every complaint, issue, phonecalls all day. I pay her bills, handle her finances and even while she is at assisted living, she relies on me for everything/and I had a good excuse for not doing it all for a while (she lived across the country). Now she's living fifteen minutes from me. Just since yesterday- and I already feel smothered. Even before she got Parkinson's disease she was a needy, emotionally immature parent. It's just worsened with age. I think we have to realize that we are only human. We do not need to feel some huge love for someone just due to being related to us. We can have fond memories and can enjoy some of them..but we can also feel really tired and over it all. My mother will NEVER fully be happy or satisfied no matter what happens. So I have to get myself to realize that and stop trying to make her happier.

If it's bad, then I am bad too. I'm the 'chosen one of my mother's two daughters.. for every complaint, issue, phone all day. I pay her bills, and handle her finances and even while she is in assisted living, she relies on me for everything/and I had a good excuse for not doing it all for a while (she lived across the country). Now she's living fifteen minutes from me. Just since yesterday- and I already feel smothered. Even before she got Parkinson's disease she was a needy, emotionally immature parent. It's just worsened with age. I think we have to realize that we are only human. We do not need to feel some huge love for someone just due to being related to us. We can have fond memories and can enjoy some of them..but we can also feel really tired and over it all. My mother will NEVER fully be happy or satisfied no matter what happens. So I have to get myself to realize that and stop trying to make her happier.

So many of us here can relate to you! I'll add, for the sake of your own well-being, take time (over and over, if needed) to actively forgive your mom for the past (and present!), realizing that she probably did the best she could with what she was given. Maybe she was brought up in an abusive, unhealthy environment. Whatever the case, forgive her as you would want to be forgiven to protect yourself from becoming bitter and resentful, and then take time to come up with what you think are appropriate, reasonable boundaries. I find it so important to set boundaries with the people in my life who are lacking boundaries. ...The forgiveness will set you free and keep you out of the clutches of bitterness (bad for your mental and physical health and bad for those around you). The boundaries will help you function better and feel in control of your own life. You'll do whatever you decide to do in a better frame of mind, and you'll feel less guilty and more at peace. There's no "perfect" here, but hope these suggestions can help you get better balance and keep your sanity intact and conscience clear.