An uncle to us (brother to dad) has major issues with dad having been incapacitated, so he throws us under the bus constantly. This means we get angry voicemails nonstop, because he can still hit redial on his phone. We have just done what has been advised by all the professionals for his safety, but his brother cannot get on board with his best interests/needs. It has effectively alienated my husband from his dad, who is already starting to forget who he is often. It's robbed dad of what little hope he had and us of any peace. What can we do to stop this? He tells dad things like they sold your house... they stole your car... your money, etc. It's all there, but yes, we sold his home reluctantly because memory care is like 8K a month, and it will only go up. He had only enough savings to cover deposits and about 6 weeks of care. He was hospitalized 4 times because we tried to let him be home alone in roughly a year. All incidents came back to lack of self-care and no safety awareness. What Uncle is doing is cruel to Dad and Dad hates us now. It's just totally uncalled for. Most of the family agrees with the professionals but for the record we did NOT request his incapacitation, we simply said we could not sign him out and take responsibility for him while every pro was saying he needed memory care, so they said he can't sign himself out to his own care with his needs so high. He wants to be home, we get it. We wish he could do that safely but he can't. :( When we ask him where all these allegations are coming from, he says the brother every time. I am about to hire a lawyer and sue him, not because I care about the money, but because I don't think anything else will stop him from jacking Dad up. I am scared the way he is behaving at his memory care center, which is really great. They may end up asking him to leave. Any constructive advice is appreciated!
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I am in similar situation- my dad has Alzheimer’s, courts declared him ‘disabled’, his son is conservator, and Court also granted coguardianship to myself and his wife. Wife lives w/ him in HIS home,
and not only contested MY guardianship but also petitioned for another person to be conservator. Her ‘WIFE’ status combined with my fathers input ( immediately after ruling of ‘disability’ he told judge he wanted to remain in his house w/ her) led the judges ‘best?’ Ruling.
Background- FOR OVER A DECADE-his wife has been undermining my fathers confidence in his children(me& 2 brothers), to the point that dad believed that WE were stealing his money…and she led him to his investment firm last summer, where he was confused, but insisted a check be written to his wife, for withdrawal of ALL ACCOUNTS. It was recognized by the firm as TEXTBOOK financial exploitation. It required our filing for emergency guardian and conservator, and a contested 8 hour bench trial. 100 days of litigation and over $40K in fees.
She continues to work his ill mind while we continue to do all we can to make sure his needs are met- but it’s impossible while she is coguardian/ wife, and living in his home.
I’ve been back to our atty with evidence of her neglect including not feeding him 3 meals/day, not supervising him for hours b/c she sleeps til noon and he wakes much earlier, and not assisting him with bathing for days on end- and her ongoing refusal to cooperate with our hiring a person to ensure his safety/ meal/ personal care.
I must have another person with me to all his visits b/c she has physically aggressed on me ( with hands on) AND I have resorted to carrying mace all times in the home and recently held it to her face- at my arms length- when she vehemently aggressed toward me.
Our dads last years would/ could have been peaceful/ blissful if not for his wife who now realizes she has lost all access to his money, and is all sorts of conflicted about having to care for a rapidly declining husband w/ Alzheimer’s, feels she’s being controlled by his son ( conservator), and me- dgt ( coguardian, healthcare POA),
OUR POOR DAD IS HER PAWN! And the ‘wife card’ was the ONLY reason the court ordered her as a co-guardian w/ me.
At least your FIL is in ALF, his physical needs are being met, and there are good possibilities you can either get his brother to stop the rhetoric or you can take steps to prevent access to him either by your power of POA or other legal action.
God help us all who only want to do the right thing for our most vulnerable loved ones.
A strongly-worded letter from an attorney might just be the "come to Jesus moment" for your uncle which might snap him out of his ongoing intent to undermine you. If he doesn't stop his destructive behavior, then he's done seeing Dad or communicating with him. It's entirely in his court, so let him know that if he's banned, it's entirely due to HIS actions.
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If that doesn't work you may need stay away orders through court and attorney. This is abusive behavior.
I think every family has an uncle like yours. A conspiracy theory nut who's completely out of it and has no idea what they're talking about. My mother's side of the family had more than one. This kind of relative really makes things hard on a family. Especially in a situation like yours where you had to place your father.
You're doing right by your father and that's what makes it even sadder. If he's gotten to the point where he doesn't always recognize you and others, then it would probably be best to not allow your uncle to visit. All he would do is get your father worked up and agitated with his nonsense. When people with dementia have an emotional upset, it can set them back for days.
If you really feel bad about saying no to him visiting, allow him to have supervised visits with your father. You can supervise or another family member or friend. If he starts up, he gets thrown out. Good luck.
I’m sure all of this has been terribly hard for your husband. You may not be able to completely help your FIL or uncle, but you can make your husband feel better.
Ease your husband through his own sorrow and continuing grief. There is no need to feel guilty or defensive about selling the house, car, etc., to pay for care. Care is expensive. Sitting vacant and unused, a house and car will deteriorate and taxes and basic maintenance must still be paid. Your FIL could not safely live alone. If your FIL would have gotten more seriously hurt, your husband would have had pain, regret and remorse for neglecting his dad. 24 hour in home care may have depleted resources too quickly and put everyone in financial peril also. . In the end, it will all need to be sold anyway.
Assure your husband that following professional advice was reasonable. Your husband is doing his best and having aging parents is painful however life plays out. If you can take your husband away for the weekend to help him clear his mind, do so. Even a day trip, or movie night or long walks together will help. Life for your husband could get harder as his dad declines, so find ways to support him and help him navigate through these rough times ahead.
Your FIL will settle in. The uncle has to get used to this new situation too. Give them time and space. This is a big change.
Your FIL is angry with life and taking it out on your husband, but he will come to a better place. Asking him repeatedly, “Who told you these things?” may agitate and upset him more. It is true that you had to sell assets to fund care, whether the uncle says it or not. Asking him “Do you recognize us?” Is disorienting and reminds him that something is wrong. Just be nice people who stop by. No quiz show needed.
When your FIL reverts to conversations about these painful things, redirect.
If you block the uncle from visiting, it may isolate your FIL and over time it may be more detrimental to everyone.
I'd feel like getting a restraining order to be honest.. but as you say, that would punish Dad too, restricting contact with his Brother.
I think I'd go visit the Uncle & explain once more. Have a third party present, like one or more of his adult kids if possible.
You may not be able to override his conspiracies, but at least he will have been informed clearly. Informed of;
1. What happened: Dad's diagnosis. That he could no longer look after himself. The Doctor's best advice was for Memory Care.
2. Why: This is LIFE! This is illness & OLD AGE! That Memory Care costs money. Dad needed a new home - his old home was sold to pay for his new one. It's that simple.
3. What the 'rules' are.
To look after Dad. That HELPING him to adjust to his new home is the aim. The Uncle may see things differently to you, you get that - he may feel his Brother has been cheated & robbed. He is entitled to feel that way.. BUT if he wants to HELP his Brother, he will STOP making things worse. STOP pushing his own ideas & theories. STOP being so SELFISH & work to HELP his Brother instead.
Otherwise you will have no alternative but to have him banned from visiting.
Ask the Uncle just what WOULD HE do instead? (If you feel like a head-smashingly probably futile argument that is). You & his family may see just how lacking in judgement, processing & problem solving this Uncle is.
Best of luck.
If none of these solve the problem, then a lawyer’s letter is a great idea, often a cheap and easy solution. It would be a good idea to talk to Uncle’s relations (eg your cousins?) before you do this. They probably hear about all this from Uncle but don’t check with you. They may not want to ‘get involved’ by having it out with Uncle, but their help in sorting him out could be a game changer. And a restraining order out of the blue won’t go down well with the wider family and friends. Look after yourselves, as well as Dad. Good luck!
You can prevent your husband's uncle from even visiting him. Tell him that if he is going to continue to tell your FIL all kind of lies and falsehoods and get him all worked up about how you're stealing from him and selling off his assets, then he will not be allowed to visit or call anymore.
Tell the uncle this. That if he wants to continue to visit and have communication with his brother, his BS stops today.
If husband has no POA I may still talk to the DON but you may have to get a lawyer. Brother needs to know he has no say in Dad's care. If there is a POA that person's in charge. POA does what they feel needs to be done to protect the person who they have responsibility for.