How can I keep from being so miserable while caring for my disabled aunt?

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FireCupcake Asked April 2022

How can I keep from being so miserable while caring for my disabled aunt?

I'm 22 yrs old. I hardly get time to myself. I barely make any money, and I did not grow up with my mom's side of the family. The details are in my "about me" on my profile. I'm just so upset at how my life is turning out and I'm seriously not happy. I don't know what to do anymore.

Burnout Care Decisions New to Caregiving

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score 2 · Answer 1

Ditto to the excellent advice! Do NOT allow family to guilt or intimidate u into continuing.

Helpful Answer (2)

Honeself this side of my family is very good at guilt tripping. I had to get rid of A LOT of my possessions that were important to me and drop everything just to come here and help them and they're severe hoarders. I only made the decision bc it was taking too long and it was really difficult to find a place of my own, or even a trustworthy roomate. But I can't let myself feel bad for prioritizing my mental health and also my future.

(1)

score 1 · Answer 2

Great advice here for you, FireCupcake. Basically, the miserable feelings you are experiencing are a warning, an alarm blaring, alerting you that you are in a bad situation. Make your plan and get out!

Helpful Answer (1)

Thank you so much. I feel like a bad person for having these thoughts and feelings but you're right. Things here are really bad and it's not my fault nor my responsibility to fix. I'm gonna start looking for a new job and new place to live soon

(1)

score 1 · Answer 3

Tough one.

I don't know if you remember the later Little House book where Laura qualifies as a teacher and has to lodge with a married couple? - who argue all the time, and one night one actually pulls a knife on the other... What I loved best about those books is they were NEVER cutesie, you always felt you could have been there.

Anyway. It is incredibly stressful for anyone to live in a family where there is conflict. Ditto, where there is chaos. Ditto, with uncertainty. So you have quite a lot of factors piling up there.

I have a lot of questions - so where is the home you moved to California from, and why wasn't it an option, e.g. - but they will wait. What I suggest just as a sticking plaster is that you look at your calendar and decide by when you will move on. Make it a SMART goal (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, time-bound) and then you can plan the steps you need to take towards it.

Also - look up your local Area Agency on Aging. I expect your aunt is not actually "an elder" as such, but this is often a good starting point for information about organizations and support groups near you.

Helpful Answer (1)

I couldn't stay in California bc I originally moved there with my boyfriend, then I broke up with him and couldn't afford the apartment alone. I stayed with a co-worker for a bit but I couldn't stay any longer and my mom told me about my aunt seeking yet another caregiver and I didn't want to become homeless. But I started hinting to my uncle that I cannot do this for much longer. My aunt definitely doesn't make it easy, she's 325 lbs now, isn't strict on her diet or mental health or appointment scheduling. And she's always complaining about people abandoning her and how no one likes her anymore etc. So I'm constant teetering between hating it here so much and wanting to LIVE MY LIFE (I've always been responsible for my family and I'm completely over it) and also feeling bad bc I want to see her get better and I want them to live a happy life. But to be quite honest, I've already told her mom, my grandma, that I don't think I can do it after this summer. I barely believe I can make it through the summer. But thank you so much for the advice I will check out local services.

(0)

score 2 · Answer 4

Please read what Alva shared with you, and take the excellent advice. Your 20’s are not the time to hide from the world, in your auntie’s house, doing a job you do not want, crippling your future ambitions, trapping yourself! Please, get brave and go stand on your own, even if you have to work your ass off to get anywhere. Trust me, it will be hard, but not as difficult as the job you took, not knowing everything. Take care.

Helpful Answer (2)

Thank you so much! I was becoming independent when I was in Cali but I was not prepared or helped into my adulthood so I didn't know what I was doing and I honestly got scared. But I cannot let myself get trapped again (this is not the first time) I need to start making moves for my future

(1)

score 6 · Answer 5

You just got "HIRED" having "ANSWERED AN AD" for the worst job description I can imagine.
You need to quit.
We see people give up their home, their lives, their states, their jobs and their apartments to move in as caregivers.
Almost without exception they end up
Jobless without a job history
Homeless without a rental history
and in a shelter until they can find a job and find a room, hoping to save for a small studio apartment.
Your twenties are for learning how to stand on your own. Look for a roommate ad. Give notice that you will be quitting and give the date (as Aunt's caregiver). Move in with your roommate and get a job. Go to school. Learn a profession that will help you in your future. Caregiving is a great way to start. Get hired by a Nursing Home, become a certified aid and work your way up to RN so you, too, can be paid 65.00 an hour as you would be in my city. It took me to age 40 to go from Aid to LVN to RN, but I did it slow and certain. You enjoy giving care? I can promise you a rewarding a secure life in which you can get a job anywhere.
It is up to you.
My advice is to give notice. Start with a job, any job and work your way to a rewarding a secure life in which you are not beholden to ANYONE simply to have a roof over your head, not an elder, not a boyfriend, no one.
I wish you the best.

Helpful Answer (6)

You're right. I don't wanna turn out to be like my mom. She lived with my Aunt for a few years and did what im doing but one night she left without wanting bc it was too much. Honestly the only reason I took up this job was bc I didn't want to end up homeless and I thought it would be a good decision to help and be with my family. But it's way too much, this is not for me. I never wanted to be a nurse. Thank you SO MUCH for the advice bc I was starting to feel like a horrible person for feeling this way... but when I step back I realize they've created this damaged life on their own and I cannot be here to fix it. At this point I'm not even helping them progress I'm just making their life more comfortable. When I went to Cali it was rough but I was finally living my life, doing what I wanted to do and making my own decisions for myself and having my own freedom. I will hold out as long as I can while I look for another job and an apartment of my own. I just hope they don't try their best to make me feel too bad about coming and leaving (even though I've done A LOT)

(2)

How can I keep from being so miserable while caring for my disabled aunt?

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