Do you dissociate when you are living in an abusive situation? If yes, where does your mind travel to?

Right before Covid, almost 3 years ago, I was engaged to someone I thought was a wonderful person. Shortly after, the situation became a nightmare with gaslighting and pathological lying. I am so grateful my daughter was willing for me to move into a room at her apartment because I was high risk for Covid, and staying together we both could have company. I truly enjoy her.

When I moved in with ex-fiancé, I sold most of my belongings. Then, moving into my daughter's apartment I sold most of the of my last things and stored the leftovers in my room.

Once our lease was up, I was planning to look for land to build my home and settle down by myself. Then both my parents had medical crises. So, as of last July, we moved in with them. I thought it would be better than starting my plans in another state only to stop half way through. So now I only have 1 box of clothes and 1 box of items.

I do have a visual neurological condition and MCS so less stuff is good, but I do miss the "me" in my surroundings. I am very aware of sounds, smells, light, etc. so having a peaceful, clean uncluttered, happy surrounding is vital to me.

People tell me to move out and live near them, but if I do that I not only lose the money to build my accessible, chemical-free home, I lose it throwing it away to help them who have a home with plenty of room for me to stay in and then I'm spending even more time driving back and forth.

It is very stressful here and my mom has been emotionally abusive to me with covert narcissistic behavior my entire life that I remember. In order to stay positive and hopeful, I spend most of my time in my head designing my new small home, my sanctuary. As soon as everyone is set for the night, I spend hours finishing the design. During the day, I have it running in my head as I am caretaking. The ideas run 24/7.

Do you all dissociate? If you do, where does your mind go to?

I can't even imagine not having the stress of the situation at hand and actually having a place that can be my peaceful sanctuary where I can wake up each day knowing no one will beat me down or just be nice to me because they need something. I will actually be able to see my things and get around easily in my home.

Thanks for letting me put my feelings in writing.

( My goal was to build my home for my health and safety and to design it to stay as independent as possible and easier for others to take care if me if the need comes. I don't want my kids to have to go through this mess of a situation when I get older.)