She lived in an apartment that was non smoking for 7 yrs now. Refuses to go outside to smoke. She has been on oxygen now for about a year and a half now after cancer was found in her lung. She had 5 radiation treatments. They said she was in remission. They left her on the oxygen. Back in February they upped her usage to 3-4L. Two weeks later she caught herself and oxygen hose on fire did damage to apartment floor and was evicted.
I looked at 3 nursing homes. I hate nursing homes. So I found an assisted living place I could get her in. It is expensive more then she makes but if she behaves and likes it I am ok with paying. So Easter weekend is 2 months in new place. She has never asked for cigarettes (I stopped buying them back in August 2021) someone in the building was getting them for her. She was using her laundry money to buy cigarettes.
I have been getting her e-cigs because she has been smoking for 50 yrs and these won’t catch on fire and ok to use inside apartment. I have kept her well supplied with them for 2 months.
While taking her some things from storage to her new place we found 2 packs of cigarettes. My husband threw them away.
We have a camera in her apartment so I can check on her because she has a history of seizures. I don’t watch the camera all the time. Never have. So I watched the camera the night we found the cigarettes. She kept looking for something. Then she left her apartment and came back about 45 minutes later with 5-6 cigarettes. She did not smoke them that night. And if she goes outside she can smoke cigarettes. But at 7:15 the next morning sure enough she lit one up in her new apartment while wearing her oxygen. I was so furious!! I called my eldest sibling because he was to come down and visit her the following weekend. So when they got here we had a talk with her about it. And she gets an attitude anytime you bring it up. I told my brother I will not keep paying my money knowing she is putting everyone in that building at risk. I am so done fighting with her. She knows exactly what she is doing but doesn’t care!
At one time she told me she was tired of doing for someone else her whole life.
I don’t want to put her in a nursing home but I don’t know how else to keep people around her safe.
What other options do I have? None of my siblings will take her but they all tell me they agree for her to go to a nursing home.
I have taken care of her for 7 yrs and she refuses to do one simple thing. Go outside to smoke! I am allergic to the smoke when I was a kid I had to take a lot of allergy medicine cuz dr told her I was allergic and instead of her stopping I had to take drugs. She did not help me then and definitely will not do it for me now.
This new place feeds her 3 meals a day all she has to do is walk down to the dining room. They clean her apartment once a week and change sheets on bed and fresh 2 sets of bath towels. Lots of activities. She claims she is not a social butterfly. But she will talk to anyone. I have a hard time getting her to go down to eat 2 times a day. For 2 months I paid for an aide to take her down and back but she only went half the time.
I am so done caring more then she does about making her life better. All she cares about is getting her cigarettes! I am beyond DONE!
What do I do now?
9 Answers
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Maybe nicotine patches or pills would help her fight withdrawal symptoms. It is impossible to expect that talking, yelling, threatening, etc. can cure an addiction. There are lots of smoking cessation programs out there, many covered by insurance. I was a pack a day smoker for 20 years. It took programs, therapy, patches and hypnotism to finally kick the habit, and that was all for someone who WANTED to quit. It doesn't sound like your Mom wants to. And doesn't want to be bothered by going outside to smoke.
But until she quits, or goes outside every time, she is a dangerous threat to others. Too bad you can't take away her oxygen, which would reduce the danger.
She isn't going to change without addiction treatment. If she refuses that maybe it's time for you to follow Geaton's advice and separate yourself from her, revoke POA, stop the monetary support.
Also, if she is mobile and independent enough to leave the assisted living place and go find cigarettes she could be "too healthy" for a nursing home. In NY a nursing home is for patients who are well beyond assisted living and completely dependent on help.
Best of luck to you both.
Does the assisted living have staff? They should soon be able to tell of she is smoking. Hopefully BEFORE a catestrophic accident.
Are there any other health issues needing NH care?
Or is it due to this behaviour? (dangerous to self & others)
Is there self-neglect as well?
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But smoking,
-on oxygen,
-in a place full of people with mobility issues,
-which is probably understaffed...
Well, that's is practically arson and murder.
Lilfergy, I am not beyond a little threat. Tell Mom if she doesn't follow the rules which are also laws, you are going to place her into a NH.
One day he was outside smoking, accidently caught himself on fire, fell out of the wheelchair to the ground and later died at the hospital
She doesn't care about you, your life, anyone other than herself.
Let her have the ending she's orchestrated by working against you at every turn. You need to talk to a therapist who will help you identify and defend healthy boundaries. FYI all NHs are not bad -- you are telling yourself this so that you can avoid making a hard decision. My MIL is in an awesome place in LTC on Medicaid. I wish you much clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart.