So last week I moved my mother to assisted living and she has several complaints, so all she keeps saying is "you've gotta get me out of here," "you dumped me here" "I'm going to kill myself" (don't worry, she's not capable of that last one, etc.) She winds up dumping on me and screaming or crying constantly until I snap, which isn't good.
Frankly, I think I am ultimately going to have to move her, though I fear she'll find fault with another place too. (Could go into more detail on this for those who are interested but this is already getting to be long.)
But meanwhile, how do I learn to ignore calls, and not lose my cool when I do answer and she says things like, a worker didn't like her so she was served a tainted desert, or she insists there's something wrong with the TV when the volume is too low and screams as soon as I say 'why don't you try to turn it on again?,'
I also started crying just now (not to her) because, after a fairly normal conversation, she told me that there are men on the roof across the street from her room with guns; clearly that's not true. I've gotten used to some slightly confused or crazy statements but that's another level.
Help! I need to get better at protecting myself from the madness. Thanks.
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You have to give your mother time to get acclimated to her new living situation and to different people caring for her. Do not visit her for a few weeks. Limit the phone calls to every twice a week for a while. Communicate regularly with the staff of the facility regularly. She may be adapting very well in the AL and even enjoying herself. Then the minute she sees your or you call on the phone she puts on a "performance" with the hysterics, suicide threats, until you snap. This show could very well be only for an audience of one - You. Talk to the administrator of the facility or even some of the aides who directly care for her. Ask them if they heard her paranoid delusions about snipers on the roof or poisoned desserts. If she puts it on for them, she may need medication to help keep her calm.
If you move her to different facility it will be more of the same behavior towards you. It will not help that so don't bother. No place is going to stop or even lessen her behavior towards you. Even if you were to make the grave mistake so many other adult children in a F.O.G. make and you move her in with you, it will not stop or even ease her behavior when interacting with you.
My guess is you've been her emotional dumping ground, whipping post for her negativity, and convenient scapegoat to blame things on long before she ever got dementia or needed to be in memory care.
What's best for your mother is for you to ignore her. No visits and only limited phone calls for a while. She has to adjust to her new life in the AL because she isn't leaving.
I know this will be hard for you because it will feel like abandonment but it's not. This is what's best for your mother. It's what's best for you as well.
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Since many newly rehoused MC residents perform in similar (or almost the same) ways when newly placed, the wisest approach is to visit briefly, let her take you through her delusions for as long as YOU can remain comfortable, and LEAVE the minute that YOUR TOLERANCE WEAKENS.
Keep in mind that there is NO PLACE where she will immediately become peaceful, content, and compliant. That place exists only in her thoughts. Her thoughts are currently the products of a damaged brain. You cannot offer anything that will supplant her own distorted beliefs.
You are TOTALLY ENTITLED to protect YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, and you definitely SHOULD!
When my mother started complaining about her memory care facility, or about a particular caregiver I would just look at her and tell her, there’s no place else for you to go , this is it.
The hallucinations do not go away… my mom has been having them for a couple years and just progressed to the point of needing medication. Talk with her physician to start her on something.
( my hand was forced when my mother called 911 for bears on the roof.)
it seems though the hallucinations calm down with the med, but then it doesn’t hold. We have increased her dose twice… recently put on morphine for pain , the hallucinations stopped as far as I could tell . My mom had a real down turn, With the morphine, …tried going back to her previous pain medication last week. And the hallucinations started up again. But her pain increased with her old pain medication. Started back on the morphine today. I didn’t miss hearing about the hallucinations.
Discuss with Mom's MD and Mom's caregivers what might work best. Also know that you will need to protect yourself from what really is no longer fully your Mom; you will have to make times that are for you alone. Your Mother is suffering from a disease over which she has no control and she is no longer able to participate in the inhibition-ruled world we all live in.
I recommend reading everything you are able to by Oliver Sacks.
Do seek some help from therapy with a Certified Licensed Social Worker in private practice for counseling about how to protect yourself best in this ongoing world as you adjust to letting go of being 24/7 on call to your Mom and allowing those who are to give her the care she needs now.
This is tough and I wish you the very best.
You need to come to an understanding eventually that there is no "fix it" for this. Mom may NEVER adjust well. But YOUR OWN life is your one and only life, and it must go on. Again, I wish you the best.
I honestly had to block her number. She was calling me 50+ times a day literally from anywhere 6am to 1am. My phone was constantly ringing at work and when i was trying to sleep. If I answered she'd just yell and scream at me. And then hang up and call me again.
My mom and I never had a good relationship though. She treated me that way even when I was a young kid so. People will say it was a shitty thing to do but I know she's being cared for where she is and I was tired of crying every time my phone was ringing because she called me again. I felt a lot of guilt doing it but also felt relief that my phone wasn't ringing every other minute. AL facility had my number so I knew they'd call if it was an emergency.
And your right, because of her delusions she won't be happy anywhere you place her, so just leave well enough alone. And why don't you try just not answering your phone. She must learn that you are not going to continue to be at her beck and call. If she leaves a voicemail, you can decide whether or not to listen to it, keeping in mind that if there is in fact any kind of an emergency that someone from her AL will be calling you.
And for now perhaps just try visiting once a week, to give yourself a break. Hopefully by doing that your mom will learn to lean on the folks at her AL and maybe even make some new friends.
I wish you both the best.
1. Make sure she doesn't have axUTI.
2. Get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist.
When my mom called from her facility with problems, we would tell her to call the staff.