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Wutzit Asked May 2022

How do I respond to or help someone who is fixated on incidents from the past that cause her stress?

This precious lady just wants to talk to someone. She is highly educated and has led a brilliant career, but sadly now, her cognitive function is swiftly declining. She will sit quietly while others converse, but the moment she senses a listening ear, it’s like someone sets the needle on a broken record. She repeats/relives the same few issues from her past before I knew her over and over. Within a ten-minute time period, she will cycle it five to six times, reciting dialogue almost verbatim. She obviously enjoys getting to talk, but at the same time, it’s clear the subject matter causes her unpleasant stress, as she is very passionate about the subject.


Active listening changes nothing; not even for an hour straight. The repetition continues non-stop, almost like it’s driving her to repeat it. Going into the moment with her and affirming her feelings seems to go unnoticed, for the most part, and has no effect.


Redirecting her attention to something different that interests her doesn’t help either. It only distracts her temporarily, and then she circles right back to the stressful subject again. Whether it’s two minutes or two months between our visits, as soon as we hug hello again, the broken record resumes right where it left off.


This is totally new territory for me. I realize it’s quite possible I may not be able to help her at all, other than to keep listening; but perhaps someone knows how I might best respond, so as to not make the situation worse. How can I best support her? Does anyone with some experience have any suggestions?


Thank you kindly in advance.

JoAnn29 Sep 2022
Just a heads up. This post is from May3. The OP responded at the time. Only post they made.

BarbBrooklyn Sep 2022
This is called "rumination".

There are antidepressants that specifically target this. It's worth talking to a well-trained geriatric psychiatrist about a trial of meds.

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Clairesmum Sep 2022
Music reaches the brain in a different place than conversation. Sometimes music that is calming (soft classical, piano, folk, whatever she likes or might have liked when she was younger) could provide some relief from the repetitive regrets.
I've heard a geriatric specialist call this behavior 'sticky', and that sometimes a very low dose of medication eases the 'stickiness', and makes it easier to redirect the conversation.
Gentle touch - on her hand or arm - may be safer than touching her chest, if she is not accustomed to receiving touch from you.
Physical activity is good - going for a walk, if at all possible, does involve other parts of her brain and 'breaks up' that loop of recriminations.
Your acceptance of her sadness is a gift to her - imagine how often she has been told to let go of it, it's in the past, etc. You are a kind person.

Geaton777 May 2022
I agree with iNeedMedacyn, that engaging her physically in an activity may help. It can be something as simple as folding and refolding small towels or sorting and pairing a large basket of socks. This is called "purposeful" activity. I hope you can find something that works. You can help her get into a calmer state, since dementia robs people of the ability to do this for themselves. If she seems worse on consecutive visits, I would inform the nurse that her anxiety may be ramping up (and they will figure out how to address it), as she may be there as a ward of the county and they're not immediately aware of what's going on with her.

I have a very elderly Aunt (100) who has mod/advanced dementia and when she gets into a loop or a delusion I will sometimes gently tap her on the chest with my finger. She then stops what she's saying or doing and looks at my hand then up to my face and I get her attention. Trying to get her attention by saying her name doesn't work, often not at all, but the tapping on her chest does.
Wutzit May 2022
Thank you, Geaton777. I appreciate your helpful input. I had not thought about trying include some sort of physical activity in the redirect. I will give that a try and maybe the gentle tap as well. That is very interesting. Much appreciated!
Wutzit May 2022
Thank you, iNeedMedacyn, for your response to my post. (Being new to this forum, I’m not sure if this is showing up in the same thread or just messaging you direct.) Anyway, your suggestion is much appreciated. The point you mentioned about her just needing to have someone acknowledge that her life means something really stuck out to me. I’m thinking it must be very hard for someone to feel like her remarkable intelligence, mental clarity, and years of great productivity with great contribution to society is simply vanishing away. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. I will continue to listen and affirm.

iNeedMedacyn May 2022
I'd say that art (watercolor painting) maybe?.... with some soothing music and quiet time could help relieve the anxiety she's feeling. When people repeatedly tell traumatic experiences it's best to redirect them and try a different activity. I wish you the best, I feel like I've been where she is and having someone just acknowledge that my life has meaning no matter what I went through always helped, you listening and being empathetic to her really is helping her heal in some way.

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