Hello, fellow caregivers,
I'm a 41 year-old woman living with my disabled husband of the same age, and I'm clinically depressed and feeling hopeless about the future as I watch my husband decline before my eyes. He is very manipulative and difficult to handle, and I don't feel like I can handle him anymore. I've become a shell of a person, morbidly obese, and hopeless since our marriage began 12 years ago. We have a dog but never had kids, as he can't ejaculate. I was really sad about that at first, but now am glad.
We currently live with my husband's father who is difficult and enables my husband. He helps some although I'm my husband's full-time caretaker but not compensated for more than 2 hours daily.
DH is an uncompliant, type 2 diabetic with kidney failure, on dialysis, who needs help with everything related to vision, standing, transport, breathing, and using the bathroom. He's currently on oxygen and in diapers. He calls me around the clock to wait on him hand and foot and has a bad attitude about everything.
My father-in-law is moving away this summer and we would be homeless (because I'm only paid working part-time and husband has small disability check) except I'm inheriting money from my dad who recently passed.
I'm considering getting myself a little condo and some new work and moving away so I can have some semblance of a life. My husband expects to go with me and continue as is, but I want to put him in a nursing home, even if I have to divorce him. I'm so burned out and torn. He got fired from physical therapy and all his doctors call me to vent. I don't want the responsibility of dealing with him anymore. He picks holes in his flesh, all over his body, because he's bored. I understand he's depressed, but I am too (maybe even more than him), and he expects everyone to solve his problems.
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DO NOT put your inheritance into a joint account. It is your money and he has no right to any of it, unless you put it in a joint account.
He has made his choice and you get to make yours. Please chose life and functionality over the slow, miserable death he is putting you through.
You need to save yourself (and the dog).
Your father in law's decision to move away and leave both of you behind is very telling.
I have some concern that your husband may use threats of violence/destruction of your property once the divorce papers are served....or actually strike/injure you and the dog.
Use the public library as a place to do research and get some space for yourself, away from him. Find out about the resources available for women who have abusive partners, and take it seriously.
He is very depressed - which is a huge anger turned inside himself- and has a history of lashing out with verbal abuse when he is not getting his way.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when one person tries to leave.
Call the county bar association for referrals of some attorneys who do divorce law, see if local legal aid has suggestions (even if they cannot help you ), etc.
I'm not trying to frighten you, but am worried about your safety. Personal and professional experiences and education are the basis of my concern for you.
You deserve to be safe and contented in your own space.
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I have been through an incredibly ugly divorce where, stupid me, I started out by playing fair only to discover that my ex really was a miserable arsehole. So, in addition to retaining a divorce lawyer ASAP, make sure its a GOOD divorce lawyer. Assume that your husband will get down in the mud and play as dirty as he can. Do everything your lawyer says and trust his/her experience.
Good luck. You are young and there is a big, gorgeous world out there waiting for you!
That money belongs to YOU alone, but if you co-mingle funds, he gets half. Open separate bank accounts in a different bank and keep that money completely separate. Don't spend any of it on anything for him, because that's your ticket out.
Start getting your plan to escape put together. Start eating right, for one thing, because your health matters. Take care of YOU first and foremost, so you'll be in good shape to bolt before his dad does. Get yourself a divorce lawyer before you mention anything to your husband and do what he tells you.
Begin the process with no guilt in your mind, and don't fall for any mind games from your husband or your FIL. You need to leave, and having a vision of your future in your mind will help you get through this.
Park that money in an account that is in your name only. Then see a divorce attorney to get an idea of all of your options. THEN make the decision about whether or not to divorce your husband. Make sure your interests are protected before you make any decisions.
Good luck!
Talk to 3 divorce lawyers, the 3 best you can find. Pick one to work with. The other two cannot contract with your husband once they have consumed with you, amber not fair , but that is the game.
Divorce on grounds that you are not husband and wife but a caretaker and patient. You can document hours and tasks that live not time for "marriage"activities. This will provide some protection if he tries to claim part of the inheritance .
Your F-I-L = is an a**! If he cared at all for you he would help out, counsel, not enable his child, and I mean child. He doe s even want to live with his son, that is perspective.
Take care of your self, because you know nobody else cares about you enough to help you.