What do you do when your elderly parent is the most unhappy person you know?

It amazes me that people think they can control another person's outlook on life.

She's old.
She's infirm.
Her life is out of her control now.

I'd be depressed, too, and in fact, I'd say it's far more rare to see someone jumping for joy in their new nursing home.

Be understanding and empathetic, but don't take her monkey on your back. No one's life goes as they want it, and getting on with what is rather than worrying about what you can't change is the best way to keep your sanity. You can model that behavior to her by letting her be on her own for a few days and forcing her to engage with others a bit more.

Yes to the geriatric psychiatrist, but another question...how is she supposed to adjust if you're there 3 hours a day?

Stay home for a week and keep in touch with the SW and activities director. She may be putting on a big "so sad" show just for you.

The reason they are miserable is because their lives have turned to misery. They are unwell. They are stuck in bodies that don't work. Thier memories are slipping. Often they have to give up their homes. Some share a bedroom with a stranger in an institution. Their friends have passed away. Loved ones have died. Everything that made them the person they were is slowly being stripped away. Is it any wonder they are miserable. And in too fee years, we will be on the same spot. Unfortunately, it maked us sad, mad, and frustrated to deal with this because we are still trying to live our lives but we can't really make them happy, though we can knock ourselves out trying.

No one is responsible for another person's happiness. My mother is the queen of misery. I have been the heir to her misery, hysterics, depression, anxiety, and guilt since I was a little kid. Until I wasn't. I help her and I do for her. If I didn't she would be in a facility. When she starts with the complaining or working herself up into a panic attack or tries to instigate some trouble, I ignore her. I do not include her in any part of my social life because she's miserable and ruins occasions with her misery. I didn't speak to her for almost six years because of her misery and didn't even have her at my wedding with my second husband.
It took me a long time to understand that her problems are not my fault and I can't fix them. Your mother's problems aren't your fault either and you can't fix them.
There's no pleasing some people at any age. Please for your own sake, don't let your mother drag you down. If she can't visit with you without being all gloom and doom and misery, stop visiting her.

thanks everyoene..some of you don't quite get it and some of you posted helpful comments.. She has been this way for many years. She has always been a more negative person, an emotionally immature parent who tended to put herself before imagining anyone else had feelings. If you don't know the background, I realize it's easy to jump to conclusions.. I am spending some days away from her now because unfortunately I'm sick and have to stay away til I am not contagious. Parkinson's made her life worse/but her perspective has always been very helpless--about many things. It's part of her personality, that is magnified now with the Parkinson's. Anyway.. I am learning to not let it all stress me out. I'm very helpful and supportive to her and just need to make time for myself to put it out of my mind, not always answer 8 phonecalls a day etc.

My DH has a saying, "Some people love misery so much, they meet it half way." And that's the truth. I don't know if your mother has always been this way her whole life (sounds like it), or if it's something new she's developed as age/infirmity has set in? My mother was like that her whole life; a glass-half-empty type of person, but she ramped it up A LOT for my sake. A LOT. Truth was, when I wasn't there to witness the show, she was a lot happier, in reality, and interacting with the other residents in her Memory Care ALF & doing fine. You may want to fact check with the STAFF about how mom is doing rather than asking her directly, b/c the answer will always be "I'm horribly unhappy" etc. That's more for OUR benefit than anything.

In the end, happiness comes from inside. Whether an elder is sickly and old or not doesn't make much of a difference to their state of happiness; they're either happy and grateful for life or they are not. My "uncle" George is 102 soon and living in AL and has pancreatic cancer. His state of mind is a grateful one; he's happy and respectful to his caregivers and to his niece and nephew who help him and visit him often. There's no guilt trips to lay on them or negativity to impart to anyone. It's a personal choice how we treat others, I believe, and your mother has made her choice. Now it's up to YOU to make YOUR choice about how often to visit her and how long to stay during her pity parties. She'll drag you down into the pit of despair WITH her if you're not careful AND you won't manage to make a bit of difference to the quality of the life she's CHOSEN for herself. If she wants help, she'll ask for it in terms of a psychiatrist appointment, etc. In my mother's eyes, there was nothing wrong with her that she NEEDED help with, and there you have it. It took me quite a while to come to that realization and to back away from the whole scene, but it became necessary to do so.

Wishing you the best of luck taking time for YOURSELF and realizing you can't fix what's SO broken that it's beyond repair.

I don't know much about Parkinson's but I do know that you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness or positive outlook. You've done everything you can to improve your mother's living arrangements and look after her and you should feel good about that.

I've also had to learn the hard way after being raised to be the family peacemaker. One of my mother's favorite phrases about me was "she was always easy to manage". I am a recovering pleaser.

My mother has "learned helplessness" from before I was born. My father who was a giver found the perfect match in my mother who was a damsel in distress most of the time. She got her way with him by crying and carrying on until he relented. She was used to being petted and being the center of attention. Bless his heart.

Now, as long as my mother is clean, fed, bathroomed and her needs are met, my job is done. She whines and complains constantly over nothing and I no longer take that on myself.

Blessings and peace.

I've always believed that when you can't ever seem to please someone then it's okay to just please yourself. In other words you don't need to join her pity party, whether it's on the phone or in person tell her you're sorry her life feels so hard (that's no doubt the truth, I'm sure you ARE sorry) and then excuse yourself and concentrate on your own life.

Is this somewhat the norm for your mother, because there are rather histrionic personalities that are simply "like this" for the most part throughout their lives. Unless this is a change for her I would think there is little chance of changing a lifelong personality.
As far as your being there so much, as you have observed, THAT'S not working! So I would cut back, and begin some "training" in that relatively happy visits are longer and relatively whiney ones are shorter.
To be honest, the end of life, where one after another things are taken from us, eyes, ears, mobility, subtle limbs, balance, control, continence, power, decision making, and eventually our very minds, and who we are--just not an especially joyful time. Many, like my own dad, gently suggested that he was so "tired" of it; I also had many patients tell me they were ready for peace and the final rest, that they didn't feel free to share this with their families and would tell their nurse instead. My own brother told me "ALF is like the Army, hon. I don't much like it but I make the best of it." What you are really asking of your Mom is to "make the best of it" so you are more comfortable, so you suffer less. You may have to give this one up. You are bearing witness to a senior who is unhappy with the whole end of life trip. To tell you the truth, at 80 I find it a bit less joyful than some others, as well. But I make the best of it, and keep the burden of every little ache and pain to myself.
You might tell you mother that quite honestly it is difficult for you to sit and bear witness to her unhappiness. That you understand that, indeed, she isn't happy. But that you have done what you can. Tell her that at some point, if your visits and outings do NOTHING to make her happier, there will not be an inclination to make so much time to do it. Be honest. Talk about it honestly.
We get into habits. Habitual ways. My brother used to says that his ALF was a bit like a commune, everyone with "issues" for the Friday meeting, everyone with complaints about food and caregivers. Just the habit, along with ambulance watching and wondering when one will stop at YOUR door.
Good luck.

I see your added comments that mom has really always been like this and now her medical situation has only made it intensify. Please limit your exposure, taking in so much negativity is bad for the soul. I’m glad you’re spending time with her, but when the negativity gets overwhelming excuse yourself and leave, go do something positive that makes you smile. Spend equal time with positive people that bring good things to your life. I wish you peace