How can I accept that my manipulative/abusive mother (now 15 months in NH) is my responsibility as I am her POA/healthcare advocate?

Once my Mom was in a NH a lot of responsibility was lifted off my shoulders. If I didn't have her house to sell it would have almost been perfect.

I took in her personal toiletries, right there next to her bed, but for some reason the aides did not use it. They used what they provided. They have toothpaste and lotions. She has a Personal needs account where a small amount of money (in my State $50) is placed in the acct monthly. This can be used on haircuts, snacks, sodas whatever she needs. If you buy her something with your money, you can be reimbursed from the acct. It has to be spent because it effects the 2k in assets (amount maybe different in your state) she is allowed. Its counted as an asset. If you want, you can put xrtra money into the acct.

I allowed the NH to become payee of Moms SS and pension. I figured if there was any problems with either after Mom passed (like pulling back payments too soon, which happens) the NH would have to deal with that. Ask the financial office for the form allowing them to become payee.

Since Mom is only allowed about 2k in assets, what other expenses does she incur? Medicare is her primary and Medicaid secondary so should have no other health insurance. You should NOT have any out of pocket expenses. If Mom does not have the money, then she does not have the money.

You should need no interaction with anyone now Mom has been there 15 months. Time to tell them to handle things themselves. Unless its an emergency, you really no longer need input. POA does not mean you have to constantly be involved or run Moms errands. If they are having problems with Mom then they need to handle it. Tell them you need to back away. I give you permission to do this.😊

You are the compassionate child. The one who wants to make everything right. The one who is trying to find love from a person who can't give it. She doesn't know how. And you don't deserve the abuse she hands out. She has lost friends and family because of how she treated them. Her heath is the way it is because she didn't take care of herself. This is not your fault. You can't fix it.

Your profile says nothing about Dementia being involved. You may want to tell Mom that you are going no contact. You no longer will take the abuse she dishes out. She is on her own so she better be nice to the staff because they do more for the nice residents. That the NH can take care of her basic needs. Then you talk to the Director of Nursing. Tell her you want no more calls unless its an emergency. That Mom is competent enough to express what she wants and doesn't want. She has been there 15 months so they should understand why u need to back off. If you receive any calls from them, other than an emergency thank them for the call but that you have asked that other than for an emergency, you were not to get calls. Its now between them and Mom.

You can block Mom. Call her when you feel like it. As soon as she gets started tell her you are hanging up and hang up. If you don't want to visit DON'T. She has brought this on herself.

Have another think about what you need and don’t need to do as POA:

1) You don’t have to visit. You don’t need to witness the ‘Queen Bee’ act, the nastiness or the unreasonable demands.

2) She is on Medicaid, so the NH takes most of her money and keeps her small amount of spending money in a trust account that she can ask for. That isn’t enough for ‘frivolous spending’. The NH can’t give her what isn’t in the trust fund. She shouldn’t have finances that you need to handle at all.

3) She needs very little in the way of purchases. Her clothes will take a long time to wear out, her creams etc should last for ages. The NH will have some residents who have no family left at all, and they will have a ‘personal shopping’ system for buying what is needed. Ask about it.

4) You can cut right back on interaction with ‘nurses, social workers, activities coordinators, dieticians’ and anyone else involved in her care. You give them permission to make their own best decisions, without your involvement. They probably think that they are doing you a favour by keeping you in the loop – they aren’t! Once again, remember that some residents have no family left at all, and this is what happens for them. The staff can deal with the ‘nastiness’, and you don’t need to be an intermediary or to apologise for bad behavior.

5) You can limit involvement, and the information that comes to you, to serious emergencies.

If you look at this list, don’t feel guilty if you decide to go along with all of it. However you can pick and choose what you will do, and what you won’t do. You can also change your mind as you see how things work out. You may find that getting rid of some of the stresses means that you can keep a ‘decent’ amount of involvement without going around the bend.

Best wishes, and I hope this helps!

You are in the grip of a Narcissistic parent’s manipulation whereby she has successfully convinced you that it’s your role and purpose in life to meet her wants and needs at the expense of your own. I know that, because it happened to me. I resented it, felt sick every time I ‘had’ to go and see her. It drove me to the edge. I was no longer able to appreciate or enjoy my life, it was taken over by her needs and as well as being totally unco-operative, she would blame me for her unhappiness and everything that was wrong in her life. She was also very abusive, both verbally and physically. ‘You’re an idiot.’ ‘You fat, ugly cow’ (I’m a size 10), ‘you smug bitch’ ‘you pompous cow’ and my favourite ‘you’re a bully! And I was brought up to hate bullies.’

After 2 years of being the sole carer during lockdown, I got to October last year and I was having very dark thoughts, despite having a loving marriage of 35 yrs, 4 beautiful grown children, grandchildren, a fulfilling career and a comfortable home, etc. I was overwhelmed at the thought of being solely responsible as POA, which Mum took pains to tell everyone I’d tricked her into signing! My brother has been out of the picture for a while - he came back briefly when I was moving mum into extra care housing to help. And he really did help, but he was rewarded with her full on victriol, so has retreated again. I realise his absence was self- protection.

The best thing that ever happened to me was that my desperation reached such a bad place that I finally sought counselling. I began in January and already have made such strides in coming to understand the dynamics. My counsellor has helped me to work through the sadness and grief of a mother who wasn’t able to meet my child’s needs. I’m actually in a place now where I can have empathy for her, set some boundaries to make it possible to take care of her without it being at the expense of my own mental health. I’ve also realised that her behaviour has nothing to do with me and is a result of multiple childhood traumas she suffered - a coping strategy, which has devastated her life, as well as mine.

Consider, if you can, seeking professional support. It has changed my life for the better and I’m able to care for my Mum as I wanted to, with professional carers, whilst still being able to take care of myself.

Good luck. Take care of yourself. You matter!

MissGypsy, you do realize that you do not have to deal with her to advocate for her.

You also do not need to act as her POA or advocate.

If you walked away, she would still be cared for and if she needed an advocate the nursing home would involve DHHS and they would do an emergency petition that would make her a ward of the state and she would have a court appointed guardian to act in the capacity you are now, without the history.

I don't usually think walking away is a good idea but, I know there are people that can destroy you if you don't protect yourself. Only you can decide if you can walk away and be okay with it.

You could still visit, if you chose to.

You matter and your well-being matters. Don't let her need to abuse you cause you to lose that.

The only mother I ever knew was a good kind woman who as nearly as I can piece together, had lead a fairly normal life until the day I was born, then suffered a HORRIFIC surgical delivery (of me) that caused her to suffer with severe anxiety/agoraphobia for most of the rest of her life.

It took me DECADES to make peace with the fact that although her tragic condition resulted from my birth, I wasn’t “complicit” in its cause.

She truly did what she was able to do, but only because her 4 younger sisters were a part of my early years was I able to access a fairly normal adulthood.

I know the path you walk, and I will tell you that you MUST divorce YOURSELF from “…the wounds from the past…” to free yourself from the treadmill of her destruction.

Your description of your current life suggests that you are still in an emotional “push-pull” with your mother, and SHE won’t put the rope down, so for your welfare, YOU MUST.

I know this, because I lived your life until I was in my middle 20s.

NOTHING you have written about your mother’s current life is intertwined in YOUR life.

You didn’t make her the woman she is. Caring for her is an onerous occupation, but what she is or why she’s who she is now is not part of YOUR PRESENT.

Make your contributions to her management a “mitzvah” - the gift that you freely give, and expect nothing back. It took me YEARS to perfect my ability to do this, but it can be a wonderful release when and if you do.

YOU are worth the effort it takes. Reward yourself, tangibly or otherwise, for each task you feel obliged to perform. Cut your actions toward her to essentials, NOTHING that is “extra”. You have observed that she is not ABLE to accept your kindness and generosity, so STOP OFFERING IT.

Seek the help of others to do the basics.

Last, and probably at this point, MOST IMPORTANT, you must give yourself 100% permission to IGNORE her lies, slights, and insults. Her caregivers ignore her, and couldn’t care less what pretensions and actions they observe from her. Your welfare needs you to adopt the same policy.

It is a difficult life being the child of a parent who is unable to express the gentler loving feelings that we all crave, but you can become a good parent to yourself.

I did. Come back to the Forum when you need a renewed dose of resolve. You can expect to receive it here.

First off, know that you are not alone! My 89 year old Dad has been steadily declining - MDS and stage 4 CKD. As his conditions progress, he gets more and more angry and takes it out on me. Seems I can’t do anything right. He complains about the food at rehab and so I bring him different things to eat as often as I can. When I do, I usually hear some complaint about what I chose to bring that day. The dr’s, nurses and staff tell me, “Oh, your Dad is so cute and nice”. Seems he is nice to everyone but me. This is going on for at least 4 years now. Multiple falls, hospitalizations, a few surgeries, toe amputation, and lots of IV’s. His mind remains sharp, but his body is failing. I understand why he would be in a foul mood, but some days the way he talks to me just hurts so bad. His angry tone takes me back to when I was a child. I have been reminded of how my Dad would sometimes talk to my Mom and that really hurts. I am a very emotional person…can’t help it. It’s just my nature, but I have gotten stronger and can let some things go. I have also learned that I do not have to be at the rehab facility every day. It’s not healthy for me and I am entitled to enjoy some time for myself. Being POA, advocate, and daughter is a full time job. Be sure to give yourself a break as often as you can. Definitely return to the forums for support. There is comfort in knowing that there are others going through the same exact thing. We’re all just doing the best we can.

So much good advice here. I would add that you consider seeing a psychologist for a little to help you make the transition from being her punching bag to being the human you deserve to be. You don't need to make it a life long endeavor, just enough therapy to help you make the break.

I completely identify with cringing every time the phone rings. When I see that it is the facility I let it go to voice mail, check the message to see what it is about. If it is a staff member I can usually deal with it over the phone. I have requested that my mother not be assisted in order to call me. Her dementia is such that she cannot use a phone without help. But my mother is a master manipulator who can still convince even some seasoned staff to help her. You are not the only one who feels the wounds from the past are ripped open each time she lies, manipulates and puts you down. I have been told by the Director of the facility to limit my visits to once a week at the most. I have started making a big effort to live my own life away from my mother and I feel much happier most of the time. I also try not to engage or fall for her latest drama. It's easier when I don't see her as often. Remember her situation is not your fault. You've been a good daughter,

I agree with Isthisrealyreal.

Sometimes distant nieces or great second cousins or whoeverer are asked to be POA, as the only viable family member.

They may choose what level of involvement - from frequent visitor to completely hands-off in the background.

They may outsource many tasks to accountant, law firm, or geriatric care manager.
Someone can then be authorised to authorise any purchases the NH may request for your Mother eg haircuts, more clothing, new shoes.

You could choose to be completely non involved. Think about what feels right for you.

I am posting again to report that I am feeling much better about my situation thanks to all of you who posted powerful, compassionate and supportive replies. My former therapist is coming out of retirement to work with me on a short-term basis, boundaries are in place with Mom and I will implement the "mitzvah" idea as well as many other excellent strategies. Will keep POA for the time being and see how it goes. Many thanks and hugs to all of you. We will keep each other strong.