MIL fell today transferring out of bed onto chair, hit her head hard. She was amboed to the ER, where they discovered a suspicious spot in her brain. Doctors think it’s either a brain bleed or that the cancer has come back. She’s in the hospital pending another scan.
FIL has been refusing to take his pills because he’s positive he already took them.
SIL came home frazzled because they made appointments the same day and so she had to take both of them. Two people. One wheelchair.
Brother confided that he can see the need for AL as his relationship has been suffering with his wife being the day aide.
But everyone dreads to have the talk, even if it’s just about getting another aide to maintain aging in place. We anticipate they will be rejecting all options.
Ideas?
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About a month after being placed in Assisted Living, she was transferred to Memory Care, and until the pandemic, lived a very pleasant and comfortable life.
It is beyond time for your family to recognize that it is time for your parents to enjoy the SAFE and ORDERLY lifestyle that residential life can provide, and give you all peace of mind.
Having “the talk” CAN be a wonderful opportunity if everyone is on the same page, but we who care for my LO KNEW that she would NOT leave the house where she’d been born in the back bedroom, and she was NO LONGER SAFE there.
In two recent placements within our family, there was no way that we could have had “the talk”, but the placements exceeded what we’d expected. Consider carefully whether the value of letting matters drag along, while watching the needs grow more and more critical.
Hard, HARD STUFF. But really important for all of you.
LOL
Not to mention adding a toilet onto a platform runs the risk of mom literally believing she is a queen sitting on her throne. SO should try to convince her to invest in a solid gold toilet since mom lives in a fantasy world regarding this whole situation
Or he should build a wheelchair ramp to the toilet or better yet invent a wheelchair she can just use as a toilet so she doesn't have to transfer from chair to toilet at all.
Another option would be to raise the bed about 3 or 4 feet in the room and build a slide so mom could just wiggle off bed onto slide and then go down slide right onto the toilet.
Just remember to call the OT first to sign off the design before SO starts building.
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”Thanks, bro, but Mom can reach out directly if she wants to ask me for a favor. Our relationship is going to suffer if we act as go betweens and I don’t want to lose what we have.” (Or whatever, depending on whether they like each other;)
”If she cancels, she cancels. I can’t care more about her health than she does. She has an option in taking a ride service and chooses not to. That is *her* choice.” Most elder appts are routine anyway. Even if not, again, her responsibility, not your SOs.
and in the specific case of your SO…
”Mom (or bro), I finally got a great new job. My focus is going to have to be on that for a while. Long hours and an unreliable schedule, but a better work environment. I’m letting you know now so you can put things in place to handle that change.” He doesn’t have to tell THEM that the hours are better. Make it sound worse in order to use the job change to break out of some of these unhealthy patterns.
If he can find a way to stay calm, say things in this non-personal, unengaged way, he stands a good chance of getting through eventually.
Another good tip is to STOP telling them so much. He doesn’t have to give them a run down of his week. He doesn’t need to say what he did on his days off or which days he has off. They probably complain enough anyway. He can just listen and not try to justify his life by sharing it with them, know what I mean?
He just has to be prepared for “people to think he’s the bad guy” or “not like him” or for her or FIL to “be mad”. They don’t sound like a barrel of laughs and are going to be mad anyway. If they are going to be cranky anyway, he (and you) may as well have a life, lol.
SO may need to practice this cool & professional 'detatchment'. I did.
At first, I had dread at the phone ringing. More dread as requests came in (often 3rd party). Then dread at saying no, can't do. But I improved!
Now I have no emotional attachment to whether someone attends their own medical appointments or not. Well, maybe a little sadness, but it was never my responsibility to get them to it. It certainly was never their right to assume, insist or be upset if I was not at their beck & call.
myself or my family anymore. My father couldn't handle moms drug regimen anymore. It was a sad and scary time.
Be kind to each other.
Apart from the inevitable blow-up, chances are that your parents will spit the dummy and say that they will manage on their own, you can all get lost. So you go along with that. It won’t last long, because the next crisis will come soon, even if it’s only getting things from the shop. So then you have the same discussion again, but without ‘managing’ being on the list of options.
The kindest way to manage this might be to arrange for them to go into respite care for a month while SIL’s illness improves. Other posters have found that this is a palatable option, because it’s short term. They may find that it is much nicer than they expect. MIL’s own health may make it clear to them that going back to their house is not viable.
And at the end of the ‘trial’ time, yes, you have the conversation again. By that time you should all (including them) have a better idea about reality, and what options can work.
I hope you get other ideas, if this approach doesn’t stack up for you. But it’s worth being clear that there is no easy way, and no way to avoid family distress. Best wishes, Margaret
SO put his foot down on the driving enough so that SIL had to take them both in their car for the appointment Wednesday, one of his weekend days, so SIL put them both in the car. They had used the excuse of no ramp there to get him to lift them out over their stairs in a chair, and that excuse went away when he and brother finished the ramp.
The new excuse is going to be that neither of them should really be left alone. He agrees, but he’s not going to be their solution. One reason for this is frankly to pressure them into hiring more actual outside help.
SIL blew up at SO. That’s what family is for, she said. We all have to make sacrifices.
Then you sacrifice more, b. You volunteer your hours on the weekends so the Indy can come be with you when one of you has to take them to the doctor and one has to sit with the other one. Oh no, you say, you need your weekends.
So do we.
SO is texting them several reliable medical transports as one person cannot be in two places at once.
Wrong. And Wrong.
Please wake up & open your eyes SIL! You have been tricked!
SEE that it is not for lack of her brother's help that is the problem here.
SHE is actually part of the problem!
She is on Team Denial.
Other statements need to include concerns about their safety (a non-negotiable issue), realistic demands on everyone's time without incurring guilt on them, and simple reality vs. desires. Only once reality is acknowledged and dealt with, then fulfilling desires can be discussed.
I have read & re-read this reply. This makes more sense every time! Perfect common sense.
What makes people start at the other end? Focusing on their desires, yet ignoring reality?
I lived the mission creep. Then I tried keeping boundaries - was pushed & pushed & the stress was like being snowed under. So I quit.
Re-drew the line.
Point out to your SO he can do this. (It's probably time).
Saying hey folks, you ask TOO much. Hire it all, taxi, aides, cleaners whatever. I am your SON. I am NOT your nurse, chauffer, maid, royal bottom wiper.
A friend did this recently. Moved interstate to top it off.
If your SO quits, stops enabling them - they may GET IT. Accept more non-family help: either hire all their help, at home or move into AL & accept staff help.
See it's the same really! It's about accepting non-family help! They need to accept REALITY & more non-family help. They have burned family out.
Well maybe not SIL.. yet. She's about to melt down & be next.
Someone should arrange for a professional Needs Assessment.
A session with a lawyer or professional mediator should follow to determine the best path forward.
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