How can I walk away from caregiving?

He saved for his "retirement" and to provide for himself in his "golden years" not solely to leave an inheritance for you and any siblings.
Tell your brother to go ahead and use your 1/3 and pay for the care that you would provide on your "shifts"
I think if you placed him in Memory Care he would become more involved being around others.
Sell the house, use assets to pay for the best care that he can afford.
It will get to a point where his house will not be appropriate as he declines and will money be used to make the changes needed or will he or I should say his caregivers be forced to care for him in a place that is not safe for his needs at that time.
Tell your brother to do what needs to be done to use your "inheritance" and begin to enjoy your nights and weekends with your friends and family.

The threat to ‘use your third of the inheritance’ is ridiculous. If your fathers has left a will dividing his assets between you, you will get your third whatever they say. If he changes his will to leave you out, he has to be both willing to do it and legally competent, which is doubtful. It’s not under your brothers’ control, and it would be tricky to make the terms vary according to how much had been spent - it would need a lawyer, who won’t be acting for your brothers. If your father dies intestate (without a will), his assets will go according to your state’s law, which will probably mean equally divided between his children as his wife has already died.

If you can’t do the care willingly, just stop. Your brothers can do more themselves, or hire care, but it will come out of the total estate, including their ‘shares’. If they try paying themselves in advance, they will need to OK it with your father', and it would be very tricky in terms of POA responsibilities – you can keep some evidence that they are doing this simply for their money hopes, not for father’s best interest.

Give them the glad tidings that they are talking rubbish.

I agree with what many have said here. You are the female so it presumed that you will take up the caregiver title. Wrong. Your siblings seem to be concerned about their inheritance. As far as I'm concerned, unless your last name is Gates, Dupont or something in that socio economic group, the word inheritance should be removed from your vocabulary. I hate to remember the number of families that sat in my office arguing amongst themselves about keeping their parent (who was usually bedridden, incontinent, a 2 person assist (sometimes even with a hoyer), unable to self feed, sometimes dementia demonstrating) at home or placing them in a facility for skilled nursing because they might have to sell the parent's home and pay the facility instead of being able to sell it and enjoy the profit once the parent was dead. Seriously??!! It took all my training to refrain from slapping them. And what were we talking about ..... not even a million dollars. Mom and Pop's money is supposed to be used for their living expenses.... just like it would be if they were still in a house with a mortgage on it.
Make your brother's step up to the plate and do their fair share but if they do or don't.... I would let them know they can have my third of the fabulous inheritance because I'm out. I will happily visit periodically where I can be a daughter, not a caregiver. You need to love yourself first (that is what your parent would want you to do) and take care of your family.

Sorry you are going through this but you will make it. Hugs and Peace.

I am not a caregiver so i will speak as the patient that i will surely be.

i am fortunate to have longterm insurance for my husband and myself but it costs more than i can afford so i am working in my 80s. But i am determined that we will not live with my daughter or her kids.

thats what facilities are for.

there is no reason why the facility has to be a bad one. There is no reason why family members cant do body checks for family members there for bedsores or bad food or conditions or care.

i do not believe that family members need to give over their lives to care for others no matter how they love them. I truly believe that care that is received in that instance can be substantially worse than finding a good facility.

BurntCaregiver: "What I think is likely going on here, is your brothers are gradually leaving the caregiving situation and making you the 'Designated Caregiver'. You have two siblings yet are covering more than half of the days and duties. They're pushing more of the care on you because you're a woman. This happens all the time. "

YES YES YES!!! Have you been keeping track of the extra hours you've been covering for your brothers? If so, then make them make those hours up before you do another shift. And THEN (when they have made up all the hours they owe you) announce your plan to step away entirely. They deserve this for their despicable plan to make YOU the fulltime caregiver.

Please provide the care you can emotionally and physically safely do and no more. Accept that others won’t agree with your decisions and refuse to engage in discussions or arguments about it. If you are cast as a villain, so be it, make peace with that. Accept your siblings choices also. Fighting over this benefits no one. Sometimes there’s no winning, only making the best choice from a list of not good ones. I wish you peace

Tell your dear brothers that you are only going to do your third of the care that was agreed on. That they seem to be slipping away little by little. That you are not losing your marriage over a man that needs more care than you all can give.

Who has POA? If you, get Dad formally diagnosed with Dementia and you make the decisions. If you are not POA, you can file for guardianship and use Dads money to pay for it. A lawyer could verify what I said.

You could walk away and see what happens. If brothers do not walk up to the plate, then call APS and tell them there is money there for Dads care.

If your brothers think he should be kept home, THEY should keep him home not you. What I think is likely going on here, is your brothers are gradually leaving the caregiving situation and making you the 'Designated Caregiver'. You have two siblings yet are covering more than half of the days and duties. They're pushing more of the care on you because you're a woman. This happens all the time. I've been in elder homecare almost 25 years. I had to quit a position because the incontinence just became too much. The client lived with her son and DIL. She was far gone with Alzheimer's and in diapers. Every morning when I came in there would be sh*t smeared all over her, the wall next to her bed, the bedrails, everywhere. Her son and DIL would not change diapers. They also refused to allow the diapers to be taped on and refused to have mitts put on the client at night so she couldn't get in her diaper. Not handling the diaper changing was their boundary. They also wouldn't hire 24-hour care. I went in one morning and was struck dumb by the mess. I called the DIL down (she didn't work) and told her I could not handle the clean-up on my own. She wouldn't help because it was 'my job'. I called an ambulance for the client. She had crap in her mouth and figured the hospital would know better how to handle that. I never went back because the hospital had the client placed against her son's wishes. Give your brothers a two-week notice that you're "quitting" this caregiving position so they have some time to work out who will replace you. Tell your brothers they can take your share of a possible inheritance (I say possible because it's not guaranteed) with your blessing, to pay for your father's care needs.
Your brothers have every right to be angry over possibly having to place your father and to see everything he ever had get handed over. They want to preserve some kind of inheritance for themselves and that's fine. It's not for you though. You do not want to be your father's caregiver. It's your choice and it's okay if you don't want to do it.
Do your brothers know that no amount of money has ever bought back a moment of time?
If they want to sacrifice and be caregivers for what could be years, give them your blessing and let them do it.
Then walk away and leave them to it. Visit your father if you want to but as a daughter and not a caregiver. Good luck.

OK. You chose to help. To lend a hand - but have been pulled deep into the bog. Left to drown. Now ridiculed for wanting a little air to breathe & pushed back in.

Q1 Are you female?

If yes then start here.

"I am NOT a maid to the men of this family. Not for Dad. Not for YOU Brother #1 or YOU Brother #2.

I am DONE with that.

A family home care plan only works when it works for EVERYONE in the plan. It no longer works for me. So it is time for a NEW PLAN.

This is what I am suggesting;
Both brothers need a BIG dose of reality. Starting with;
1. More education on Dementia. What it is. How it progresses.
2. 1. A needs assessment for Dad.
Then re-do the Care Plan based on his needs.

If family cannot provide all the care provided - then non-family help is needed eg hired aides.

From DAD's funds.

NOT from ONLY your share (WT4#@$🤬). Just rediculous.

If/when care needs cannot be met well at home, moving into 24/7 becomes necessary. As you point out, it can bring socialisation which is a plus.

No-one is born knowing this stuff so I give them a tiny little break.. but as my elders would say - they need their heads banged together!

They are willing to let YOU drown in the bog for THEIR inheritance. Downright selfish.

PS Bet they are calling YOU selfish for stepping back, right?

First of all...YOU are correct in saying that it would be better for your father to be in a really excellent, vetted, researched Memory Care facility. Don't get me wrong...you would have to continue to ADVOCATE for your father with whatever care facility he is in because the state of memory care facilities and their reputations are NOT very positive. We (me and my wife) have been going through this with my sweet mom for the last four years. Mom lived with us for 8 months but wanted her own place (after moving to Florida from Texas), so I found a great assisted living facility (it was around $5,400 per month). I have POA and my sis is second but we are in such agreement when it comes to the care and advocacy for our mom. Anyway, I used the money from the sale of her home in Dallas for the last four years because it's HER MONEY. My sis and I want nothing other than the best care for our mom that we can get. I see my mom every day for lunch (my sis lives in TN and visits often). Eventually, mom's level of care (advanced Alzheimers) meant a move to a Memory Care facility. Then after a fall and mismanaged leg wound, mom had surgery, had 105 days in rehab and is now in a wonderful 24/7, highly reputable skilled nursing care facility. All along the journey, I've had to deal with lazy staff, and poor policies and procedures, and feel like I've had to do their jobs for them at times...but my mom is more than worth it. So when you talk about being tired...I KNOW exactly what you mean. I'm afraid to mention this...but sometimes family members try to spend as least as possible for elderly moms/dad's care in the unspoken hopes of receiving a little money (or a lot) once mom/dad is gone. I'm NOT saying that's the case with your brothers...but they need to realize that the three of you have lives (and probably families) of your own and your dad WILL get to the point of needing 100%, 24/7 care and THAT is what the 'inheritance' needs to be spent on. Imagine the relief all three of you would have when you're able to take turns visiting for a few hours each day rather than having to provide the 24/7 care yourself!! NOT TO MENTION...a professional care facility will know what is BEST for your dad as long as you CONTINUE TO ADVOCATE for him on his behalf and hold ALL STAFF MEMBERS from the Administrator on down to a HIGH LEVEL of expectant professional, trained, consistent care!! Trust me...THAT will be a job in itself for you and your brothers. I had to take pictures and testimony to the Executive Leadership of the memory care facility my mom was in and after a group meeting, discussion, etc., the facilities administrator, the director of nursing, and two other nurses were fired. I made it very CLEAR to the executive leadership of the corporation (they have many memory care facilities), that either things change or I WOULD take it to the next level (massive lawsuit on behalf of my mom AND every resident of the facility where she was at). I NEVER wanted money out of it for myself, I wanted...DEMANDED a greater level of care, consistency, and staff accountability and that's what I got. The facility is much better now although my mom is in a 24/7 skilled nursing facility now. ALL OF THIS TO SAY, I UNDERSTAND where you're coming from and I believe YOU are right. Your dad needs social interaction with others who are in a similiar condition. He needs professional staff with targeted daily skills and routines to help him through this very difficult time. Alzheimer's can be a quick, life-ending disease...OR it can last for YEARS AND YEARS. Once your "dad's money" is spent down, you can apply for Medicaid. Also, get an attorney and have a "Care and Assistance" contract drawn up where you and your brothers 'can' be paid for the caregiving you are providing...and your dad will qualify for Medicaid sooner. BEST OF LUCK to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! So many of us living through the same time with our sweet, amazing parents!