Our MIL (lives with us and our children) was diagnosed with vascular dementia not too long ago and has become both very rude and very OCD like. She will become fixated on something that may not be true (such as, “my clothes are all filthy”) and will talk about it for weeks and keep trying to clean her clothes. She’s become quite nasty with my husband and I, saying things that are untrue and unfair. She’ll take something we did and throw it on the floor, will get mad when we tell her she needs to put clothes on, etc. My husband refuses to put her in a home because of the cost, and I have to say, it is very expensive. She doesn’t qualify for Medicaid assistance. However, this is becoming unbearable to live with and I’m afraid our children will suffer as a result. Is this normal for someone with vascular dementia to become nasty and rude? Are there options such as adult day care, in-home care, etc. that will help give us some reprieve?
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Every person is different when it comes to how dementia affects them. I would talk to her doctor if this is something new, although I'm thinking that perhaps she was this way before and her dementia may have just magnified it.
And you are right, she does not belong in your house. Sounds like she has the money, so use it on her care outside of your home, and if and when it runs out, she can apply for Medicaid.
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My mother was very rude to me and especially my teenage daughter. She called her fat and “trouble” She made racist comments and crude jokes. She is now in a care home as I owed my kids a safe, secure, happy home. The cost is worth it.
There are Adult Day Care programs
Check with your local Senior Center and see if they have one or where the ones are local to you. Some provide transportation.
Contact local Area Agency on Aging to determine if she qualifies for any benefits that will help her/ you.
You can and should hire caregivers when you get to that point. You can not do all this yourself. As difficult as it is now it will only get more difficult.
Do NOT let her tell you that she will not accept help. (by that I mean "outsiders" in the house to help her) That is not her decision to make.
You might also want to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and see what can be done, if care in a Memory Care facility is possible.