I live with this situation, some of you know I am primary Caregiver for my ex-wife, we married in 1989 and divorced in2004, I saw a need for someone to step in and care for my ex, whom I truly felt compassion for. I came back into her life in ~2010 when her memory was failing. My ex has a daughter (50 years old) who does not work and has not for her entire life, she lives off her mom's wallet. Does not help her mother, only offers help begrudgingly. I am here 24/7 365. I need help, I need to get away. I'm tired and exhausted, every once and a while I need to get away or ill go cray cray. I always inform my ex that ill be going out to see my friends and have a beer nothing nefarious. She knows (my ex) I have to Get Out from time to time, and I have explained that to the point she knows I need a break. Yes, I know I could use that time to rest but I need that time out with my friends to forget my ever present intellectual stress. The Daughter, disagrees with my getting out, as that forces her into action. However I always inform them I will be gone for a few hrs. It is the right thing to do, I always tell them approx. how long I will be gone, and when they can expect me to return. "Im going to play pool, or drink a beer or two" its that simple. I've nothing to hide.
Please keep getting the time you need, to be away from this disease, and its demands. Our mom is very needy, always needs to be comforted and seems to have to have dad holding her hand, paying attention to her, at all times. He’a devoted to never leaving her side, even tho he is mobile and could easily go on a drive, out to his cabin with us. We’ve asked, no, ask again, no, no, no…..he just has to be with the caregiving sister, and his wife, our mom, and l don’t bother to ask anymore. It is between them. Their co dependency is unbreakable.
The one the elders lean on, needs a a break, but if that person insists on doing it all, and never getting a break, it’s so frustrating. Thank you for wanting your breaks, and understanding you need them. While I love my dad’s devotion, I miss him. I wish he could just enjoy a half day road trip, see the lake, drop a fishing line, but he can’t, and I accept it. Don’t discuss it at length, with your wife, brevity is best, follow the good advice you’ve been given, get a break, and take care of you, too.
My Dad used to say "Have to go see a man about a dog". Might work as well as anything. But why not just say the usual "shopping, business, work". Likely nothing will make much of a difference if the problem is that she doesn't want you to leave. Not everything can be made perfect or even OK. Sometimes things just are what they are. Wishing you luck.
"Have to go see a man about a dog" means you have to go to the bathroom. His wife might think he has prostate issues if he's gone for four hours about that dog!
Dave, your wife has Alzheimer’s. Depending on how far along her condition is, she might not remember or make sense of your reasons. You just need to give her any reason that would pacify her at the moment you’re leaving. Or just slip out when she’s not paying attention.
”I’m not going anywhere, just to the John” ”It’s time to walk the dog.” ”Need to get something in the garage.” Etc.
It's hard, isn't it, when they want you to be there for them constantly? They are afraid of being alone, of being with someone they don't know well, of being in a different room, etc. I think if you're getting an inquisition give her a the most basic: "I need to run some errands to keep up the house/apt/bills/food supply/medications. I will be back later. Don't be afraid. You are safe." Then give her a hug and go. You need "alone" time to save your sanity.
I think you just need to do it and more of it. Hard fact, but she is going to be OK, but you need to be OK as well, it is important or perhaps even more important.
Agree with Avamar. The more times your wife spends with the sitter, the more comfortable she feels. So, if you can afford it, have the sitter come twice or three times a week.
When the caregiver arrives, she needs to immediately go into a "task" with your wife...for example, she can say to her "I was looking for the tea bags the other day and couldn't find them, will you show me where they are in the pantry?" Or "I would like to set a hand towel out in the bathroom, can you take a look and let me know which ones are appropriate?" Your wife may not be able to answer any of the caregivers questions, but it will derail her thinking and you can skirt out the door while she is "helping" the caregiver. If she asks the caregiver where you are after you have left, she can say you went to pick up your prescription or he ran to get gas in the car, etc...
The reason I suggest this is that asking my mom a question takes all of her energy to figure out what I have asked and what her answer will be. It really throws her for a loop and she can't answer the question and continue on whatever rant or auto-repeat she may be on.
Hopefully this strategy will work for your wife as well. You need a break so don't even consider not going out. Even if you just drive around or sit in a park or go for a cup of coffee...take the time for yourself.
Motor Vehicles, Volunteer work, Doctor Physical, Eye Doctor, Food Shop, Library, Car Mechanic, repeat. You can use variations on these, but I suggest the truth - you need to get out by yourself for the afternoon. You owe it to yourself and she will get used to it the more you do.
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I am here 24/7 365. I need help, I need to get away. I'm tired and exhausted, every once and a while I need to get away or ill go cray cray. I always inform my ex that ill be going out to see my friends and have a beer nothing nefarious. She knows (my ex) I have to Get Out from time to time, and I have explained that to the point she knows I need a break. Yes, I know I could use that time to rest but I need that time out with my friends to forget my ever present intellectual stress.
The Daughter, disagrees with my getting out, as that forces her into action. However I always inform them I will be gone for a few hrs.
It is the right thing to do, I always tell them approx. how long I will be gone, and when they can expect me to return.
"Im going to play pool, or drink a beer or two" its that simple. I've nothing to hide.
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The one the elders lean on, needs a a break, but if that person insists on doing it all, and never getting a break, it’s so frustrating. Thank you for wanting your breaks, and understanding you need them. While I love my dad’s devotion, I miss him. I wish he could just enjoy a half day road trip, see the lake, drop a fishing line, but he can’t, and I accept it. Don’t discuss it at length, with your wife, brevity is best, follow the good advice you’ve been given, get a break, and take care of you, too.
😂😂
”I’m not going anywhere, just to the John”
”It’s time to walk the dog.”
”Need to get something in the garage.”
Etc.
Hard fact, but she is going to be OK, but you need to be OK as well, it is important or perhaps even more important.
The reason I suggest this is that asking my mom a question takes all of her energy to figure out what I have asked and what her answer will be. It really throws her for a loop and she can't answer the question and continue on whatever rant or auto-repeat she may be on.
Hopefully this strategy will work for your wife as well. You need a break so don't even consider not going out. Even if you just drive around or sit in a park or go for a cup of coffee...take the time for yourself.
Take care.