My dad died of Covid in November. He didn't tell me how unwell my mom was. I'm now dealing with a narcissistic sister who somehow got power of attorney. She is really feeling it and using it to settle old scores. I haven't talked to her in 25 years and it is now worse than I remember. She and BIL were incredibly abusive to me the day my dad died. I was trying to figure out what was going on, to help. I had to find out where he was and which hospital on my own. My sister would respond with "We don't need your help" and "If you keep texting me I'm going to block you" (this was the only phone I had to connect to my Mom). "I'm only giving you information out of respect for your dad." All this because my sister told me about the affair she had and tried to enlist my help to hide evidence. Knowing full well BIL could take the children, I said, "No. I will not do anything to hurt your children". She tried to hide my mom from me, it took me a month to get a phone number for her. My sister dropped her off at assisted living in a different state 100 miles away 1 week after she lost her husband of 61 years a few weeks before Christmas. My sister picked her up for one day on Christmas then back to A.L. Our mom was not happy or well for months. She tried to make the best of it she told me later. She is very submissive and depressed. As she started coming out of the grief she said she was terribly lonely and asked if she could live with me. I was in an RV and said I was going to get a house so we could be near each other. This cheered her up immensely. I realized she was still in there, personality and sense of humor intact. She became a bit playful and goofy and thanked me over and over. She confided in me that she doesn't like my sister and that she "makes her uncomfortable". She told me she trusts me over and over. My sister was unraveling, of course she was all bent out of shape that my mother was unaware she was sending repetitive e-mails (very short short-term memory). That she couldn't appreciate all that she was doing for her. Me! Me! Me! When I grew concerned that I was being blocked on e-mail I was transferred to the director of the facility. They were incredibly defensive despite telling her my mom was very happy with the staff just depressed and missing family. I told her I was just trying to troubleshoot the problem without getting my sister and BIL involved. The Director then tells my BIL that I'm plotting to file complaints with the state and instead of communicating with me he tells my mom that I'm creating trouble and "I hope you don't get kicked out." She rants about her complaining and lack of gratitude, says it's making her sick and affecting our marriage and says, "Maybe you should go live with (me) in _____." My sister writes me soon after and says, ,"She's all yours. You figure out how to get her out there and I'll write the checks." Then she CCs me in another narcissistic masterpiece to my mom which includes a laundry list (wrapped in "love") about all the things she can't do anymore such as make friends, play games, do puzzles, be creative. Basically everything that made life worth living was gone. I tell them that can never happen again. BIL's letter was elder abuse. My mom begs to live with me. I'm trying to figure out a way to make it work, we found a house and are excited then my sister today said; No mom, you need professional carer 24/7. My dad took care of her and had no immediate plans for assisted living, I could do the same. I work at home. I could be with her 24/7. She agreed to mom moving several states away because I could do all the work. As of today I am "your other daughter". I'm exhausted but I have to get her help. She needs to be evaluated, learn her rights. She's fully on board, but I don't know where to start. If we do this my sister will cut off our communication. Does my mom have the right to choose who cares for her and spend her own $ to pay for that? Mom is getting $10k/mo from Dad's retirement and can't touch it. I feel so helpless.
51 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Because your post is so long and full of the angst of sibling history/current warfare I cannot make out just WHAT has happened/is happening NOW, and what any PLAN is.
So I have questions:
#1.Is your mother suffering from DIAGNOSED dementia? When was she diagnosed and by whom?
#2.Is your mother currently living with you? If not who is she living with? Is she living ALONE? In a facility.
#3 Is your Sister still the POA, holding power of Mom's placement and purse? (If your Mom is competent) is she aware she can appoint another person as her POA ANY TIME SHE WANTS TO?
Dependent on answers to those questions the future depends. And PLEASE stop telling us about the PAST.
Now comes another question:
WHAT IS IT YOU WANT NOW? What exactly is your plan, and what do you want?
Do YOU want to be in charge of a now failing Mom? Do you want Mom to move by you and actually pay for 1/2 a home (a REAL BAD IDEA if so)?
If not, where do you want Mom to move?
Do you want to manage Mom's Money? Are you capable of doing so with all the files and bill paying and taxes and etc?
Dependent on answers to #1., #2. and #3. and if you believe your mother is in danger, you need to make a report to APS. Dependent on that report you may need to file for guardianship.
Dependent on the answers to #1., #2. and #3. and your sister FIGHTS you for guardianship then you may not win, as your mother already appointed her as POA.
If your sister wins guardianship then you will pay court costs. In a fought guardianship those costs start at 10,000.
If you win guardianship then your Mom's estate will pay for court costs.
If you both fight this way in court the State may take over guardianship of Mom, appointing a paid fiduciary who will not have to listen to either of you.
If you would like family mediation counselor info leave me a private message and I can provide contact information.
What it sounds like to me is that your sister is GREATLY relieved to be shed of Mom's care; you stepped in and she gave it all to you. It sounds to me you may not have a clue to Mom's current condition and rationality. However, without POA you have no info as to Mom's assets, where she can be best placed, medical records, current mentation or anything else without the good will of your sister ( which clearly is not there now, and clearly never will there there).
This, adding your response below to other questions, sounds like a perfect storm of a mess. I cannot imagine how it can be managed in any way to be frank.
If your Mom is sending anyone frantic begging emails pleading for help she needs evaluation of the situation by Adult Protective Services. Give her the number for APS or call for her.
As you can imagine, no one on Forum is going to have any magic wands on this one. Only you know your family situation. We have one side of your sitation-- your side, and I can't even begin to comb out what's happened/is happening here.
It sounds as though eventually the courts will be involved in this mess; do know they often have no answers either. Their way of throwing their arms up in the air in bickering like this is to take EVERYTHING from everyone and plunking it onto the docket of the poor Fiduciary. I know one. He can't even publish his own address anywhere due to the fact that the utter insanity of families means that HE may be the one to get shot in the head, not the dog as described below.
Sorry. Warring siblings are my pet peeve. I feel sorry for your Mom.
Your sister is the POA and has SAFELY placed her Mom in care.
If you cannot offer help,kindness, reassurance that all is well (or as well as it CAN be now) then I suggest you remove yourself from this.
Your Mother cannot now buy one half of ANYTHING EVER. Do you understand that? She has dementia. And your sister has POA for her. You claim you are not warring with your sister and your BIL. Yet you have the nerve to call them abusive. I honestly don't even know WHAT to say to you anymore, but I thank god you aren't in MY life.
This is done.
It is too late.
Offer loving words and kind support. When your Mother begs to get out of her facility know that this is very common, in fact almost the norm.
You won't take this advice. I know you won't. You seem to have an answer for everyone and everything. Be that as it may, were I your sister you would have about one month to change your ways. At that point I would forbid you from speaking with either me or my Mom.
And if you call APS you had better have PROOF positive of this abuse you speak of. They will frown upon your case otherwise.
Your sister is the lioness at the gate. Failure to recognize that will have, I believe, severe repercussions.
ADVERTISEMENT
Go to the al. Be there for every waking moment for two weeks to observe exactly where mom is adl wise and observe exactly how the caregivers handle her needs.
I was the one who was picked as POA by my parents. It is not a task taken lightly by those who appoint you.
I am just going to hit on a few points here because I tend to ramble on.
you cant do any if the things you want to do. You cant move your Mother, buy a house with her and you have no control over medical or bill paying. Your sister has that control. You would need to hire a lawyer, go to court and prove your sister has been incompetent in her roll as POA. Considering you have been estranged for 25 years I have no idea how you intend to prove that.
you say you will ask for financial documents to prove fudiciary duties were carried out properly by the sister.
$10,000 a month plus S.S does not even come close to covering your Mothers care. Insurance, medical bills, medical supplies, memory care etc. are all very expensive. As a POA responsible for all of my Moms bills (Dad died last September) she spends in excess of that and she isnt in memory care. Your sister would not have placed Mom in AL if she was after her money.
my advice to you is to park your camper near Mom as it appears you can work from home. Help your sister out with care for your Mom. Work together and give support. Your Mom seems to be well taken care of and dementia is a difficult disease to deal with.
I beg you to rethink your strategy and think about your real motive. I think you are a bit jealous that sister was appointed POA. I have a sister who told me she didn’t know why my parents didn't make her POA. It has been just shy of 3 years since I moved my parents near me and she hasn't said that since. That sister has been the most support to me. She comes every few months for a week so I can sit in my jammies till noon.
I will mention something that stood out to me and no one has touched on. You mention that you live alone, never married or had kids. That is lifestyle you chose and I respect you for that. Considering this you are the last person I would choose to take a dementia patient into their home.
I am not being disrespectful but stating a fact. My mom is in assisted living and it is at best a part time job for me. You have no idea what you think you are taking on.
if you really have proof that the sister and BIL have taken advantage of your Mom then please go to the proper authorities with your proof. You mention her being taken advantage of monetarily. It should be easy to prove that with the right legal representation.
after reading through all the posts on this I feel for your poor Mom
Victim (Mom) Persucuter (Sister) Rescuer (OP). That's what I see here. Standard drama triangle.
Please get out of the triangle!
Put MOM'S needs centre. She needs dementia specialised care. Not a dream. Even a well intentioned one.
Be a good visitor for your Mom instead.
What I see here is a Sister who was chosen as POA by her parent when they were well and alive, a father who was caring for a mother with dementia, and who died, a sister with POA who has placed her Mom in good care, and is now being attacked in every single way under the earth for doing what is her duty.
Our OP has accused Sister and BIL who she has been out of contact with for 25 years of cheating, of shooting a dog in the head, of abuse, of narcissism.
I see an OP who is unrealistic, who lives in RV and who talks of all the money her Dad made by being in Netflix, who says she thinks her Mom (who has dementia) can buy one half a home and I don't know who buys the other half, and she can care for her Mom.
I see a sister so overwhelmed by her attacks that she has said "Welcome to her; make the arrangements" but who is meanwhile protecting Mom and her money.
That's what my impression is of this situation.
So it shows to me, just how two of us can look at a situation and come out believing polar opposites.
Were I the sister I would have a restraining order by now.
Were I the OP I would visit, be loving and supportive to my Mom and comfort her without putting her in the middle of this.
But that's just me.
Others here believe ever single word our OP has uttered after 25 years absence from the scene.
I would be happy to see the OP take this guardianship case to court; and sad for her loss of 10,000 and the court case to do it.
Document everything: date, time, what was done or said as completely as you can, and witnesses.
To be honest I could not read the full blocks of text. Best wishes to you.
One of my close friends, and my oldest daughter's best friend's mother to be exact, lost her dad last year. It was a shock - he was - to the naked eye- in good health. He was caring for his wife with AZ for about 2 years by that point, at home. So when he passed, his daughter immediately had to go to their home and get her mother. Her brother travels for work and was out of the country and quite frankly wouldn't have been the best choice because he hasn't seen their mom in a long time and was in for a shock to be honest. Anyway - they did their best to retrofit their home (which houses mom, dad and two college kids) to make grandma welcome while dealing with grandpa's death.
Why am I telling you this? Mom was still working full time. Within less than a week - mom had to quit a job that she loved - LOVED to care for her mom. WITHIN LESS THAN SEVEN DAYS. This is a job that she had worked so hard to get, had gone to school as an adult - this was the DREAM JOB. But she was so caught off guard by everything that was going on and they didn't have time to find care that fast and get her into a safe place. So she had to do what she had to do. But you talk about not understanding why they moved so fast to get her into a facility - if they knew they couldn't care for her - I do understand why. I don't mean to put too fine of a point on it, because you seem 100% convinced this is the right path but maybe it wasn't the right path for them.
And are you 100% sure that you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are right? Have you talked to her doctors for the latest assessment? Do you know how much she has deteriorated in the time that you have been gone? Dementia can go downhill fast. My grandmother has dementia - just early stages even. But my oldest daughter that is away at college was shocked at how much she has changed in just the last semester that she has been away from home.
You are set on this -and while that is up to you- you are thumbing your nose at the experience of a lot of years of caregiving that are trying to warn you to tread carefully here and consider things before you blow in and shake things up based on conversations with your mom. She has dementia AND she just lost her husband. That combination can be very difficult to dig through the mud with - she is confused and her stories while they may always be the same may not always be the truth. They may be HER truth, but they may not be the actual truth. People with dementia live in a different world.
You mention that your sister is a narcissist. I'm curious. YOU said that your parents told YOU a lot of not so nice things about your sister. YOU said they told you to run from her. YOU said that they were trying to protect YOU from your sister. All due respect. If you were still in contact with your parents, why on earth did they make this person their POA? I certainly would never make someone my POA that I didn't think had my best interests at heart and that I didn't really even like that much unless there was literally no one else that I could rely on that was a better choice. (and I would never make a narcissist my POA, I have one in my life and that is a big no from me) If she was such a bad choice, why did your dad choose her in the first place? You generally only make a person your POA if you believe they will make the best choices for you when you can't make them for yourself.
I also have to wonder - if OP's parents continually maligned OP's sister to her over the long years, I wonder what they were telling OP's sister about OP during that same time? As you say, if sister is such a bad choice, why was she named POA in the first place?
You might want to seriously consider, before you commit to moving mom in and becoming her 24/7 caregiver, seeking therapy to help you navigate these emotions that seem to be roiling up, for your own sake. Because if you commit to this without it, the emotional overload alone is going to chew you up and spit you out.
I hope you can find a solution that will give you peace.
PGH, I strongly reiterate my previous advice, before you "rescue" mom, please seek some counseling to help you find a strategy for dealing with this emotional mess of a conflict, for your sake as well as your mom's. Caregiving 24/7 for anyone is heliacally difficult, even for those of us who have strong family relationships and support. To try and do it without that? Especially with dementia in play?
If you love your mom even half as much you claim to, you will seek outside advice and support, before you try to remove her from care. For her sake.
See All Answers