As her caregiver, how do I work through my resentment & anger with my mother?

i just wanted to say that the people here asking you not to resent your mom don't understand what caregiver burnout/compassion fatigue really look like. you are posting here because you *can't* find a way to stop resenting her even though you want to, and in addition to the logistical advice others have discussed here, you should arrange some therapy for yourself to work out the fatigue/burnout. i had the burnout as well and was definitely destroying our relationship (which was not wonderful to begin with) but it also spilled over into my whole life, i just didn't want anyone putting any demands on me whatsoever, didn't want to be around anyone because each person amounted to a potential job for me to do (cook for husband, arrange bday sleepover for niece etc). putting mom into a memory care home mostly cured that, as now i am a loving daughter who visits her and not the person who has to deal with her day to day care. but it didn't totally cure it; burnout doesn't just stop and i got some therapy to help ease myself back into the world. still working on it, as there is still caretaking involved with having mom in a facility--partly because she has always been a needy nervous wreck but also because of the need to keep tabs on what's going on there and make sure she's getting the care she needs. which she mostly is, but people make mistakes and it's important to show your face so they know someone will notice if things aren't right.

"How do I work through my resentment..?"

That's a great starting point. You can ignore it & push it down. Or you can listen in to it. It's a message.

Resentment can mean we are giving too much.

It can grow into anger. Use this energy towards change.

There are a few ways to start. A lot will depend on yours & your Mother's style.

You can start the chat - to find out how really she is. Then what she is struggling with. Gently pointing out your help with different areas.

Next will depend on whether Mother has insight to her difficulties & how much you are doing for her - or not.

She may not want to be a 'burden' but not know what else to do! Discussing home care agencies or services can help. Some people start with 1 x week light housecleaning or shopping assist. Or a meal delivery service. It's a good way to stay at home longer.

But some consider themselves still 100% independent - despite growing dependence on a family member. May even have expectations family must do it (would never pay..)

Some caregivers restrict their time to one day a week. Run all the errands & appointments together all morning then clean & do chores all afternoon. Leave exhausted but job done. However, this may leave little time for just social visiting.

Other caregivers start the process towards downsizing, move to a smaller IL apartment. Then return themselves to primarily being a family visitor.

A friend has just done that now. Was concerned hearing Mother worrying about the roof, the plumbing, the heating, the garden. She was gettong all stressed & confused booking tradesmen. Friend said "It's time. Come check out these places with me". She was nervous but admitted she was quiet lonely too. A nice IL unit with a Friday night happy hour & a few social clubs might be just the thing.

What sort of style do you think would your Mother go for? Agree to more home help, or move? Is she reasonable, or will you have a fight on your hands?

Sorry for the wordy reply. I hope some of the replies & ideas can help towards positive changes.

If you are always angry & resentful, then that attitude is going to translate to your mother and make both of you unhappy with the caregiving arrangement that's going on. It's not your 'other family members' responsibility or obligation to look after your mother, either.......that is wishful thinking on your part. I was an only child to both of my parents and the only person I could rely on to care for them. So right from the outset when I moved them to my state to be close to me, I set the record straight: they'd live in managed care b/c I would not be doing any hands on caregiving, nor would they be living in my home. I grew up with grandma living in my childhood home which ruined my childhood AND my mother's life, so I made the decision long ago to never take on that burden myself.

That said, I found a nice Independent Living senior apartment bldg for my folks which they lived in for 3 years. The IL had a mini bus that took them grocery shopping and to doctor appointments. I wound up taking them to some doctor appointments b/c dad had cancer and I wanted to be there. Walgreens was across the street for meds. After dad fell and broke his hip, I moved them into Assisted Living and took over their finances. After dad died in 2015, I kept mom in AL but downsized her into a smaller apartment, then off to Memory Care in 2019.

She had doctors in the AL but I was always involved in her care, rehab, hospitalizations, specialists, etc. Even though managed care did the hands on caregiving, I did all the rest and there is still A LOT to do.

Decide how you want to proceed from here on out. Should mom move into a senior IL like my folks did? With services/food and a mini bus? Giving you the option to let go of certain services YOU are providing for her now. Think about it. Or get her to hire in home carers, a housekeeper, or use a service/agency who will send out a caregiver 4 hours a day who will run errands, help with housekeeping, cooking, companionship, doctor appointments, etc. Mom can use her money to pay for such a service, of course. That will free you up and lessen your resentment and also your expectation that 'family' help you out. Family is useless, I have found, when it comes to 'helping' us out in any way, shape or form. Let go of that notion now and your future will be that much brighter as a result. As a rule, the only person you can count on is YOURSELF.

Wishing you the best of luck finding a compromise that works for both you and your mom. What you don't want to do is become SO resentful that you do wind up damaging your relationship as a result. It's not worth it.

This has been an incredible read. Thank you so much for asking this. I don’t know that I have anything constructive to add.

I miss mother-daughter time. It has morphed into mother-servant time, with too many shades of mother-caregiver time.

In the last few years, I have become more negative and pessimistic. I have my doubts my mother misses daughter time since she gets all her needs met and doesn’t have to pay someone.

I'm feeling for you. I was very close to my Dad and have no regrets about caring for him, but I was so resentful and angry in the beginning of his decline. It was exhausting, emotionally and physically. I was flooded with anticipatory grief for what was happening to him and my ultimate loss of him. There's a wonderful book by Pauline Boss. She named ambiguous loss. She has a few books, one of them is specifically about loss and dementia. There is so much going on and when overwhelm hits, that's usually when my anger and resentment hit. Someone said in this thread that when resentment and anger show up, it's a message. I 100% agree! I found a therapist that helped me manage my difficult emotions and the output of energy I was giving, an outlet for venting. It was lifesaving. Having someone to talk to is helpful in sorting out what needs to happen for your own health, and your mother's. A support group for caregivers can also help. Make sure that the group talks about self-care (doctor appointments for you, therapy, anti-depressants if you need them, etc. ) and how to address what needs to happen with your Mom. If it's a group where some people dominate and you feel more exhausted after leaving, find a group where the leader does a good job addressing everyone's concerns and you aren't overwhelmed by other's longs lists of complaints. Go to the meeting with the concerns you need most help with, like your anger and resentment and how to help your Mom meet her needs. I was part of a wonderful group. I found the resources that I needed and got the emotional support I required to keep up with my Dad's growing needs. What you are doing is hard work and it is free labor. The people you think will show up for you often do not, but I found that as I searched and advocated for my father, other people showed up to help me. Finding your caregiving tribe can help with feeling all alone. One of the things I looked up when I was feeling very low was how many people in the US are caring for a loved one or friend. There are about 44 million caregivers doing the work you are doing. My Dad had Lewy Body Dementia and there are 15 million people caring for people living with dementia. You are not alone. Ask yourself, what is my capacity today? When you live within those capacities, you'll feel less resentful. I know that sometimes you have to give more than your current capacity, but make that the exception and not the rule. Take good care of your physical and mental health. Ask for help. I'm so glad you reached out. I wish you all the best

I understand your resentment, I did all those things for my mother as well with no family assistance and now am doing it again with my father in law who happens to also be living with my husband and myself, again with no family assistance. It breeds animosity & and resentment towards our parents and creates a less loving atmosphere even tho we would do anything for them. Why don’t other family members understand that is my question. I have no answer by the way because I just cannot wrap my head around it and don’t know what to say??!!

So many of us have innate CG qualities and we really feel the need to step in and help--and our motives are 'pure'...but they are not welcomed!

I helped mom care for dad in his last year of life. I was very close to him and considered it a blessing.

Mother has aged, of course, but she wants NOTHING to do with me. She lives with YB in an apartment. It's really grimy and could use a thoroughly cleaning, but the one thing I CAN do to help her, she won't allow. (Because I actually throw out newspapers and water plants and dust).

A few years ago it really hit me that she was living in disarray and total disorder and that she constantly complained about having no room. Well, you cannot be a hoarder in an 800 sf apartment and have space at the same time. I came up with a workable solution that kept 80% of her things out in view, while 'storing' about 20%. I actually called a family mtg to see if my sibs were on board.

OMGosh. I may as well have lit a bomb in the kitchen. The ANGER that 2 of my sibs let lose with was shocking. Mostly from YB, who felt I was attacking him--while what I was doing was trying to lift some of his self-imposed burden.

Everybody went home a little mad, I cried for 2 days about it and then taught myself to quit caring.

I haven't been back with an eye to cleaning since then. I let the dust pile up and the books topple over and the bird's feathers to land all over and I don't say a word and unless there are actual MOTHS in the butter, I don't do a thing. It's not wanted, asked for nor appreciated.

When mom complains that she doesn't have space, or whatever, that's my signal to walk out. She has heard the solution, she won't accept it. I can't bleed for her, so I have to protect myself and let it go. Anyone who criticizes me for being less than wonderful as a daughter can jolly well go try to 'do' for her. I cannot care that much.

I too was my moms caregiver. The anger you feel is the same as I felt. Sister and brother lived a good distance away, but gave me 1 week a year each to take care of mom. It wasn’t enough to be honest.
My anger at them for not calling or sending cards the other 51 weeks finally came to a halt. A very dear friend made me realize I couldn’t change them or their ways. I had to change my thinking and understand that I was doing for mom what I needed to do. Once I could “accept” my siblings for who they are, my anger diminished.
It’s not and was not easy. But I’m much happier and so is mom.

Welcome to the world of taking care of aging parents and other family members who can help but don’t. I am in the same situation it’s hard to not feel resentment and anger. I take it day by day and pray that God gives me patient and strength and to help me not have a hardened heart.

Well just from my point of view, Try to look at it like this, you are lucky to have every single minute with her because when she is gone you are going to regret feeling any other way. I too found myself feeling angry and resentful While my brother left the blunt of the responsibility on me, while he ran around having a good time instead of helping. Then suddenly, she was gone. And unfortunately she knew that I felt like she was a burden and if I could take all that back, I would give anything to do that. And she didn’t ask me to take care of her I wanted to. I think part of us thinks That they’ll never die but that’s just us fooling ourselves.. My mother died in September 2018, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. And Now it’s one of those things if I knew then what I know now……