I am absolutely out of ideas on how to handle my mother's approach to my father's dementia diagnosis. She won't talk to me and has fired his doctor. Any advice?

I would contact APS in their area, as an anonymous reporter. Let them know the situation and that your father is still driving.
He is a potential danger to himself or others.
Good luck!

Dementia, whether our own or a loved one’s is a hard pill to swallow and is easily spit out. Your mother telling your father he has dementia? Why? What would that solve? How would that help him deal with it?
Your mother sounds like she wasn’t good to you and I can understand your resentment. But you made the choice to leave Australia and the decisions are no longer yours to make. I don’t know the the laws there but here if you feel your father is in danger of hurting himself or other, you call adult protection service. You are in a unique situation in that you don’t have any control, only your mother because she is there with your father. And since you and your mother don’t get along ask your brother to be more involved. Mothers tend to love their boys more than their girls. Good luck with this one.
love and light

Okayf, thinking over your situation, I feel this would be similar if M & D lived several hours away or interstate. Anywhere past popping in distance really. Distance is a hindrance. But then this denial that your Mother has could be an even bigger one.

Even if she is not 'talking' to you, what Mum could not resist a peek at an email or txt from an only child?

Just a simple txt here & there. "I'm here if you want to chat".

She won't be silent forever I'm guessing..

Expect anger after the denial. Expect tears. Yes this awful dx happened to your Father but you may even get an earful of "what about me?" Her sunset years just went up in smoke too.

Hopefully she can start to accept it in time.

I have many family members had to 'retire' from driving, from age, illness, disability. Yes taxis cost money, but so does car rego, insurance, petrol (highest price ever right now). They adapted.

The good or lucky things are;
* taxi/uber are plentiful
* carer support groups exist
* gov't funded aged home care packages exist - with aim to support people to age in their own homes (for as long as possible)

Further down the track if a downsize is needed, there are many 'age in place' communities that inc IL, AL & MC. Couples can start in IL with add-on help as required. Activities, dining room if required, senior bus-trips to the shops + plenty of other people in the same situation too.

I'll add a link for MyGov Aged Care. When Mother is more open to it, getting on a wait list for a needs assessment (ACAT) would be a good idea. Certainly can't hurt.

https://www.myagedcare.gov.au/assessment/prepare-your-assessment

Sorry for the lengthiness.. another thought. As Mother is competent, I very much doubt a local council or Dept of human affairs social worker or police would get involved for a wellness check at this stage. (More for vulnerable elders living alone, mailbox full, not seen in days etc). But you could start building a *network of spies* with other relatives if any aunts/uncles/cousins live nearby?

Hi, if you are Aussie born you probably know how stuff works in Aus.. but I'll send through what I can.

Re the driving - here is the RTA NSW link;
https://roads-waterways.transport.nsw.gov.au/contact-us/postal-addresses.html

You could consider writing or contacting via online with safety concerns & request to retest - but did you say his licence already expire?

PS caught up on all the replies now.. see CountryMouse (our own Ms Marple 😁) already found the link.

Okayf27: The operating of a motor vehicle by your father should be reported to the Department of Motor Vehicles. He could harm someone or himself if he coninues to illegally operate a motor vehicle. Also, it is your father's physician's responsibility to inform him of his dementia dx and not your mother's.

Call the authorities. Since you speak of a history of abuse, she is liable to abuse your father. Having him drive is dangerous for both of them. The authorities may need to step in to get him involuntarily admitted to hospital for evaluation and treatment. She may need the same.

Just so you get an idea where mom's mind and emotions are at the moment, I refer to Dr. Kubler-Ross's stages of loss and grief. When people experience serious loss of change, they usually go through these stages.

Stage 1 - Denial (where your mom currently is) is the behavior and thoughts that this isn't true or real.

Stage 2 - Anger (she is heading there) is the behavior and thoughts that this isn't right or fair. Usually lots of emotional outbursts.

Stage 3 - Bargaining is the behavior and thoughts to reestablish what was usual or normal (his driving hints at a little of this). The idea is that a medication, process, good works... can make things go back to what "usual".

Stage 4 - Depression is the behavior and thoughts when realize this change is permanent and grieve the loss of what was "usual". This may include sadness, lack of care of self or belongings or others.

Stage 5 - Acceptance is the behavior and thoughts to create peace and acceptance while realizing that the loss is now permanent.

She is choosing not to accept his diagnosis because it not only up-ends his world, but it drastically affects hers. I know there are people who don't drive for one reason or another, but it still shocks me when I hear about it. Not only does your father need help, but your mother can't take care of herself either if she can't drive to the store for food, doctor visits, etc.

I know nothing about the laws of Australia. You could write a letter to the BMV or whatever Australia's is called and let them know that he has been diagnosed and is driving illegally and doesn't even know he has dementia. If there is an agency in Australia that protects the elderly, I would give them a call as well and explain the situation. Ask if there is a social worker who can help both your mom and dad.

This is an ugly situation and only complicated by your location because you can't just swing by and see how things are going. Do you have family or neighbors that you can call and ask them for assistance or at least to check in on your parents?

Outside of reporting them to the various agencies and asking family and neighbors for help, im not sure what else to suggest.

Prayers.

ELDER LAW ATTORNEY:

You might want to discuss the Australia laws regarding senior care and Powers of Attorney. You might want to ask if not moving to Australia will prevent you from getting involved. You can let go now and wait to see what life brings to Mommie Dearest or you can get further advice and find a place to live in Sydney.

I've been rummaging around on the NSW driver and vehicle licensing site and I am *incredibly* impressed. Crystal clear language, and a helpful, flexible approach to the entire issue. I had no idea government departments could make themselves so practical and useful.

Just look at this section:
https://www.nsw.gov.au/driving-boating-and-transport/driver-and-rider-licences/licence-classes-and-conditions/medical-licence-conditions

Perhaps if more people realized that there were more options than licence/no licence, they wouldn't be so reluctant to disclose information until - God forbid - something awful happened and they were forced to.

What sort of care does your father need, do you think?

Re: the driving. Sometimes when you want to contradict a person (but that doesn't go down too well), you can get there by agreeing with her, keeping a strictly straight face, and then follow her proposed course of action through. Okay, Dad is fine to drive, what's all the fuss about, but he doesn't have a valid licence. Dear dear, we'd better get him one. Here is the easy way to apply:

https://www.service.nsw.gov.au/transaction/apply-licence-be-reissued-after-being-surrendered-medical-grounds

Driving while demented: complicated discussion. Driving without a valid licence: straightforward discussion - it's illegal. He will get done for it,* and that will be expensive. So either they apply (good luck with that), or she will be confronted with the fact (n.b., crucially, not by you) that she is condoning, if not actively inciting, a criminal offence.

Re: her not telling him about his diagnosis. Woah. It isn't up to her to tell him about his diagnosis. This is the responsibility of his doctor towards his patient. Do you have contact details for the doctor whom she "fired"? Has she registered him with anyone else?

* because "somebody" will report him. Stone me, wonder who would do such a thing. And, by the way, driving without a licence necessarily implies driving without insurance, which could get even more expensive.

I had to report my mother to the DMV (in the US) and was able to do so online, anonymously. The upshot from that was that they sent her a letter requesting that she come in and take a road test, eye exam, and written test. She stewed and stewed and never took the test. In fact she threw away the letter (ultimate denial move; no letter, no problem!). Only thing I could suggest is turning him in with the same form:

https://forms.police.govt.nz/forms/community-roadwatch

Although you mentioned his license is already expired, so maybe you need to get someone to lose his keys or "steal his car". Or contact their car insurance to let them know his license is expired. I'm sure they could run this and perhaps cancel his car insurance?

I totally agree with Tothill had to say, which is why I took action as well. I didn't want my mom killing anyone because she "had" to go to the Dollar Store. Dealing with a demented parent is SO hard and I cannot imagine dealing with that and a mother who is enabling it.

I wish you all the best.

Okay,

It is so hard when our parents are in a different country. My Dad and step Mum used to snow bird between Canada and NZ. He is Canadian and she a Kiwi. They have not been able to make the trip since 2015, so now Dad is her in Canada and Paddy is in NZ.

My step sister and I keep in touch thanks to Facebook messenger and I call my step Mum every month or so.

My Mum agreed with my step Dad's diagnosis of dementia, it was fairly obvious and he was not driving much, then not at all at the end. There was one trip where I was in the car and he was driving. I threatened to call 911 from the backseat if he did not pull over and let someone else drive.

But strangely now that he has been dead for 3.5 years, she is claiming he did not have dementia. His daughter was convinced that he did not have it, and she has convinced Mum of the same. Denial is a strange thing.

The most pressing matter in my mind is that Dad is driving without a valid licence. This is a safety issued for Mum, Dad and everyone driving on, or walking near roads. It must be reported to the proper authorities.

I would start with researching ride options for them. You can get information from their local seniors advocate. They should also be able to tell you the process for having a senior have a drivers exam, medical exam etc and what happens if they refuse.

There was a case in a small BC town a few years ago. Dad's license was pulled, he had dementia, but the family thought it was Ok for him to drive to pick up coffee every morning. One morning he killed a young woman on a motorcycle. Insurance does not cover an unlicensed operator, nor the damage they do.

Read that again. A young woman died, because a family did not want to follow the law, they did not want to upset Dad and tell him he could not drive to get his morning coffee. Yes, a young woman died, because an old man wanted to buy a $2.00 coffee.

I think the worse is your father’s driving. Can you do anything?
If he is able to understand talk to him, first about not driving and then treatment, forget about your mother.
Denial following life changing event is common, so perhaps give them some time.

Yes, your mother is in denial b/c she doesn't want HER life to change. Since she doesn't drive & dad does, if she admits dad has dementia & can no longer drive, then what?

Passive/aggressive behaviors on her part is what she's used all these years to get her way. The silent treatment & other 'punishments' she doles out to the family has been useful in getting everyone to do things 'her way'. This is a time when all that PA b.s. should be overlooked and you should talk turkey to your mother. Let her know you'll be reporting dad to the DMV (or whatever agency exists in Australia that oversees drivers) to let them know dad's license has expired and he is still driving, and that he has a diagnosis of dementia. That you will contact his doctor as well to let him know of your mother's refusal to accept the truth, and ask for his advice moving forward.

If you do not have POA, however, there is little to nothing you can actually 'do' to help your dad in this unfortunate matter. It's sad that your mother's needs are overriding her husband's diagnosis, and that she's allowing him to continue driving and endangering her life, his life and other people's lives in the process. Perhaps a fender bender will change her mind in short order.

Are you planning a trip to Australia any time soon to see your dad? Maybe that would help you get a better handle on the situation and see for yourself how he's actually doing. And perhaps talk some sense into your mother, although I wouldn't hold my breath on that one.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

This is an example of absolute denial and it's very common. It happens frequently in this forum. People get angry and insult me every time I tell them the naked truth.

What do you imagine you can do about any of this from a continent away?
You say your father "had to" put up with the long history of his wife's abuse.
Nope.
He chose to. And is still there because of that.
I am so sorry for this diagnosis, but the truth is that there's absolutely nothing you can do, including even knowing what is going on; you can only know what your Mom choose to tell you.
If your Mom chooses now to care for your father that is her choice. She is his next of kin. She is responsible. And the chips will fall where they will.
I would simple call infrequently (as I imagine communication with her has NEVER been a plus in your life) and I would be supportive as you are able to be. Quite honestly, your assessment of their marriage is your assessment, but it has lasted and it has been their choice. Your Mom is now doing what she feels is best and you are a continent away. I wish them both the very best of luck. I can only imagine your frustration, but the truth is that NOTHING can be changed because you wish it so, and not everything has a good "fix".
My best out to you. I am so sorry this happened to your Dad. It has to be next to impossible for you to get a good handle on what exactly is happening from so far away.

In the US Doctors can contact the Motor Vehicle Dept and tell them a patient should not be driving. Call the office and ask to talk to the doctor. Tell him Mom is in denial and Dad is driving on an expired license. Could he please report this to Motor Vehicle so his license can be revoked.

You are just going to have to wait until something happens. Seems like Mom is in charge. The only thing you maybe able to do is get guardianship over Dad. But then you have Mom for an enemy.