Should I feel obligated to take my mother out of memory care to drive her to her brother's funeral 3 hrs away?

3 hr car ride, 1-2 he service, 1-2 hrs with family (not known well or liked), 3 hr car ride home + ?? hrs physical & mental recovery time for Mom an you.

Wild horses could not drag me through that... Not even wild horses threatening me with bodily harm.

Do what is best for your Mother's care needs. With ZERO guilt.

You return the call, you say "My mother has dementia now and is unable to attend a service. I'm so sorry."

End of conversation.

Good heavens, you've got a *heck* of a long way ahead of yourself!

The family wants your mother to know that her brother has passed away. And you're already gearing yourself up to withstand pressure to take your mother on an arduous journey to the funeral of a man she had latterly had nothing to do with, and from whom you've been estranged for most of your adult life. [Any reason for that, by the way? Just wondering, forgive me if I'm prying.]

Call your cousin's wife and explain politely that your mother's health makes it impossible for her to undertake the journey plus the service, it would be too much for her. Arrange for your mother to send flowers and condolences to the family. The End.

My mother's brother died last year. She always maintained that she was 'extremely close' to him, and actually grieved when he got ill and could no longer travel. She fussed and fussed about this, so I showed her the way we could fly her to OR, spend one night in a Marriott which was ON the premises of the AL apartment he lived in with his wife and then the return flight. We would have been gone less than 24 hours, all told.

Once the 'problem' was solved, she had no interest in going--she just wanted to talk about her beloved brother. (To whom she had not spoken in about 5 years).

He did pass and she didn't even acknowledge his death. She wouldn't even send a card to his widow b/c she hated her so much.

I stepped in and sent a small planter to my aunt with mother's name on it. A little lie, but I know my aunt appreciated it.

Mom didn't know I sent the plant. The TK note came to my house. The last thing my aunt needed was another reminder that my mother hated her.

Sometimes people really DON'T want to attend the funeral. They feel more comfortable complaining about the fact that going would be troublesome.

This is what I would do and why.

If your Mom is in Memory care, a 3 hour trip is too much for her. They do not do well in unfamiliar places. It can cause anxiety. Even in my Moms early stages, she was only good outside of the house for about an hour and wanted to go home. She got overwhelmed in Church and that was a familiar place.

Just think 3 hrs on the road with an incontinent person. You have to stop and change her in a strange place. Then for 3 hrs home. A hotel stay would probably not work. Then all these strange people. She will have no idea who they are. Me, I would not even try it. Even if it was local, I would not put her through it.

I can understand why you do not want to call these relatives. But think your putting the cart before the horse. Yes, I think they could have texted you what they needed to ask but they didn't. So, I would call this person. Apologize that you didn't contact her earlier but you are getting over a bad bout of COVID. Then ask why she called. Then tell her that Mom has Dementia and is in Memory Care. That she can no longer answer questions because her memory is pretty much gone. Answer as much as you can. Tell them you will try with Mom and get back to them IF she does remember but u doubt she will. If your asked if she will attend the funeral just say sorry no. Besides you getting over COVID, she is not able to travel that far and if she did, nor would she know anyone if she went. The whole trip would be too much for her.

If asked for her address or phone just say anything they want to send her can be sent to you. Since she is incapable of using a phone, she doesn't have one. They can call you if its something important.

Out of curiosity, I would want to know what they want. Since you don't seem to want a relationship with them, the word NO should be easy to say.

No, is a one word sentence.

When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.

Maybe the cousin's wife wants to get information to put in the newspaper obituary. Just to get her off my back, I probably would have just bit the bullet this once and called her back. See what she wants. I'm from the generation before cell phones but in my humble opinion, I would never "text" news to someone of a close relative's death. I would find that rude. But that's just me. Also, there may be legal reasons to contact you (on behalf of your mother). Her brother may have left her something in his will, etc. If that is the case, just have them send any paperwork for your Mom to your address. I've settled several estates and probate paperwork needs to be attended to. It's not critical at this stage as your Uncle just passed. However, curiosity would be getting to me so, again, I would just bite the bullet, make a brief phone call, and then be done with it. You don't have to tell them your Mom's location or contact info. You just don't.

Just reiterate she's now in memory care, and you are recovering (self isolating) from COVID and you and Mom will not be attending. Period. Case closed. Don't feel guilty. You are doing nothing wrong.

You are making a GOOD decision for your mother, by not subjecting her to the trauma of such a trip.

You are a GOOD child for making a decision in the best interest of her mental and physical state.

GOOD FOR YOU! 👏👏

This question has come up several times for me with the families of our residents and support groups. You mentioned that this side of the family has not been supportive. With that in mind and a 6 hour round trip for a funeral, I suggest that you keep Mom at the community. You need to ask yourself, has Mom talked about her brother, asked for him? Is the stress of getting Mom out of the community, traveling 3 hrs each way in a car too much? With Alzheimer’s and the various forms of dementia there are behaviors, if Mom has behaviors how will you handle this alone? Do you want to subject yourself and Mom to this stressful, emotional situation? What if Mom won’t get in or out of the car?
So many issues and stressful situations could occur.
when my families and caregivers ask me what they should do in a situation similar to this, I ask them to take a realistic look into the big picture. We discuss what stage of the disease their loved one is in. Do they truly understand what is happening? Is it the right thing to even inform them of a siblings passing? Will the news cause them distress, anxiety, and behaviors?
I had a family with a similar situation. Their Dad lives in our community, has transitioned well in the community and has a quality , active life. Their Dad is at stage 5 in the disease progression and is truly in a time frame where he is out of the military and just started work after college in the field of engineering. He does not see himself as a 88 year old man, he is in the time period where he is 24 with a wife and baby son. The thought of telling him that his sister has passed, will only be 18 yrs old in his mind.
this family joins their Dad’s journey, they do not correct they redirect.
Most times Dad welcomes the son and his wife as friends. Not saying their names but being cordial and happy to see his “friends”, on a rare ocassion he will say his son.
They did not take Dad to the funeral.
They did not have a close relationship with that side of the family, instead they sent flowers from Dad and made a donation in his sisters name to The Alzheimer’s Association. The day of the funeral they brought lunch into the community to spend time with Dad and have his favorite burger and shake, and they brought a photo album of Dad and Family and spent time hearing stories from Dad of his childhood. What would have been a day of stress and anxiety became a day of creating a great memory for the family and a happy moment for Dad.
Don’t put more stress upon your self.
Schelle’y Cunningham CDP
Arden Courts Fort Myers Promedica Memory Care

NO! Call your cousin, offer your condolences, and let the family know Mom is in Memory Care. There is no guilt to be had here. A trip like that will surely be disorienting and will cause much confusion and set-backs. Let sleeping dogs lie.

From your post and responses it’s obvious you want no extended contact. I do think you should at the very least respond, via text to the cousin/wife with a short answer

“I’m unable to take calls as it’s difficult to talk due to my recovery status. I’m aware Uncle Has passed. I will update Mom IF her Memory/dementia status makes it sufficiently acceptable and safe to do so.” Please accept my condolences on your loss. Please text me if I’m missing any important/necessary information.

they've experienced a loss, you clearly have not. But totally blocking them could cause confusion and problems for them if there is a property or will issue. It also could cost them and you money/time later as POA if you ignore the situation. Unfortunately you DO have responsibilities if this is the case

you should not get overly involved, or attend funeral but being rude to the cousin you’ve never met seems a bit too much.

good luck.