I'm not too far away from turning 30. I've had to help my mom for over a decade and especially in the last 4-5 years. Because of that and because of the shape she's in, mainly her unable to use the bathroom without help, along with her refusal to get extra help and the nursing home not being an option, I haven't been able to try and find work and had no choice but to delay the start of my career.
Some backstory here. I didn't work during college because if I did, I would've flunked out. My dad and one of my siblings were on me on a semi-regular basis to find work and they, mainly the sibling, didn't fully realize I wasn't built to balance school and work and I would've paid for THEIR mistake had I listened to them. I had 4 big papers due in a 5 day span at one point, but the sibling somehow felt that wasn't a legit excuse to not work during college despite the fact I was practically living at the library for a couple of weeks as a result at the time. My mom was in better shape during my time in college compared to now, but she was in bad enough shape to where she couldn't completely go without any help from me when I was home for the summer, breaks, or even a weekend, thus eliminating a summer job.
I had post-college depression after college and when I came back to my hometown after graduating, I had zero motivation to do much of anything, let alone find work. What few jobs I tried to apply for, I never got to the interview stage. And it was mostly entry level jobs. Not even one of my in-laws yelling at me to find work got me motivated to look. My mom's mobility woes and, unbeknownst to us at the time, undiagnosed cancer also kept me from looking for work in other cities and towns. I had planned on making a harder push to find work when 2017 began, but my mom's cancer diagnosis derailed that plan before it could be launched. I did try to apply for a couple of jobs while she underwent chemo. I didn't get hired by either, but both proved to be blessings in disguise. Had I been working while she did chemo, who would take her to chemo? She mainly rode in my car and I would've had it while working. And when I tried applying for the 2nd job, that came a few weeks before my mom started using a wheelchair and I had to start driving her to her treatments after that.
I've seen stories from caregivers that had to drop out of the workforce and take up caregiving roles, only to find themselves struggling, if not unable, to return to the workforce once caregiving ended. And it makes me wonder what I could be in for as someone with no job experience because of uncontrollable circumstances and the fact that caregiving prevented me from launching a career after I graduated college.
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and five years to recover from treatment is way off base.
I have been confined to a wheelchair for several months. I have rehabbed almost completely. I transfer from bed to chair, go to the bathroom by myself. Will be showering by myself after this week and will be staying in home alone by the end of June. I am an insulin dependent diabetic and on kidney dialysis 5 days a week. All of it is tiring but I get along. I don't need my adult son to hold my hand. He lives his own life and I live mine.
You and your mother both need to get up off your butts and quit talking about doing something and do it. The level of enmeshment between the two of you is not healthy.
"She's the one who needs to hear those things, not me. In all likelihood, she doesn't have a backup plan if something happens to me."
Bob, you don't seem to understand. Your MOM is not the one who is going to initiate change. You need to be the one to change YOUR behavior.
I'm interested in the fact that your mom seemed to manage while you were in college, but suddenly in the summers, when you were at home, needed so much help that you were unable to take a job.
This is a dance--a dance of co-dependence that your two are doing. If one of you stops, the dance stops and your mother's steps will have to change.
But it's up to YOU to step off the dance floor.
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Why is a nursing home not an option? Sure mom may refuse to.go. You need to get on with your life!
Sometimes it's time to look life in the eye. SEE where you are.. maybe stuck... Maybe being stuck was meant to be for while. Even a long while.
Better than going backwards!
Not staying stuck forever is the thing. Move FORWARD when ready.
1. From what I read, this is a prime time to find an entry level job, as the job market seems to be in turmoil as the US churns through changes and challenges at many levels.
2. Those who start at the top are more likely to have connections, platinum degrees from highly desirable colleges, and/or other supports. Most of us don't have that.
3. I started as a receptionist at a small real estate company, and while I was too young to understand the concept of leveraging jobs, that's what happened. Eventually I moved into law, accidentally, but found that the legal field is fascinating, and so relevant to everyday life. I often "temped" to get a broader exposure to law, worked at some top law firms, gained a wide breadth of exposure to various practice areas of law, and got hired when I was ready to settle down at one firm.
Eventually I moved into paralegal work, then later at another governmental agency, contract administration. That was a long way from being a receptionist.
4. Along the way, I went to college, but never graduated as I ran out of money and could in no way justify or afford the PhD that originally was my goal. Nor would I borrow and go into debt; I just worked 2 jobs.
Once I went from my day job in law to a hostess at a local restaurant. It was an interesting contrast and helped pay for tuition.
5. I think you need to stop using caregiving as an excuse; you need to change your attitude and stop considering it as a detriment. Ariadnee writes from good experience: how can you leverage this experience to get an entry level job?
Do some research and focus more on the aspects of working you'll be learning, not the least of which is interacting with people of lessor or greater educational experience, motivation, attitude, and more qualities.
6. Take a good look at what you're written and see how often caregiving is injected as a fallback.
7. If you're looking for confirmation that you won't find a decent job, you won't, w/o an attitude adjustment.
I'm being particularly blunt b/c that's the way I see the situation. Some serious insight into your approach is required at this point.
Excuses are ok-to a point. But, "time waits for no one, and it doesn't wait for me"-per Mick Jagger. Time to move on from the pity party, and get going into defining yourself as a person and a fully functioning part of society. Life ain't perfect, non of us are, but get into the game, a whole 'nother world is out there for you to explore.
have a nice weekend!! :)
your question is:
"What are the chances of me finding work once caregiving ends?"
here's the answer:
none.
your chances are zero, zip, zilch, nada!
NOW GO OUT THERE AND PROVE ME WRONG.
One morning as I was changing Mom's ostomy bag, it dawned on me, that I'd far rather do that than to ever work in retail agin. After she passed, I volunteered at the Cancer Center she was treated at. Loved it. Spoke to a female reproductive oncologist surgeon who totally supported my career change, as did many other people I spoke to there.
I enrolled in Community College's medical assistant program-2 years, and, most importantly recognized by the American Medical Association-not a program in a strip mall setting. My skills, training are recognized and respected by the AMA. Tuition is not cheap-but worth every penny.
In a few months from graduating, I had a very good job in the field. One surgeon said I was the best MA they ever hired. In six months from graduation, I'd earned back all that was spent on my career change/education. I was not young when this happened, but, didn't stop me-I had to have a better way of making a living.
So, buckle up Buttercup, time to take charge of yourself, of getting in to the regular world and get started on to a better life. With all the caregiving you have done, why not volunteer at a senior center? See where it takes you.
Bob's *mother's* understanding is neither here nor there. It is Bob's use of his mother's needs as a paper tiger barring his entry to the adult world that's the problem.
I have begun to wonder what happened earlier on, when his parents separated. One sibling seems to have coped. Bob, not so well.
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