Why do neighbors, family, friends & even strangers think it’s their place to accuse me of not doing enough for my family member?

You can back away too. Is she competent? Call Adult Protective Services to report her as a vulnerable adult. Do you have your own family to care for ? That is your primary responsibility. Get the book "Boundaries" by Cloud

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=pd_bxgy_img_sccl_2/132-6625919-5810432?pd_rd_w=vkd8S&content-id=amzn1.sym.a6bed837-ef89-4bc6-a842-3962a5387175&pf_rd_p=a6bed837-ef89-4bc6-a842-3962a5387175&pf_rd_r=5QB9DZ5VNQ3S1JWGNTQ3&pd_rd_wg=wN9lr&pd_rd_r=25b5bd26-c59c-4e89-b454-542861446337&pd_rd_i=0310351804&psc=1

I see you have a very busy life in your profile and aunt is in assisted living. You are not the only answer to aunt's needs. Tell the brow beating cousin to get a geriatric care manager.

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-geriatric-care-manager

One response could be, "I'm going to give your opinion the same importance as the time you give in caring for her."

It won't win you any friends but these aren't your friends anyway.

Because they are boorish buffalos? 🐂🐂🐂

My son said to me once "Thank you. But I don't remember asking for your opinion". Well oops! Sorry about that son 🙄 (Cheeky young man!)

You could use that in a clipped business like tone & a steely stare.

Or handball to them: I am ALL ears - just what would YOU do? Would YOU like to take over?? No??? Didn't think so... So zip it.

Many people try to offer *solutions*. When you may want is a kind listening ear instead.

All ears here.

The armchair critics, is what I call them. All the 'well meaning' cousins and friends and neighbors who do absolutely nothing for your aunt but feel entitled to cast judgement on YOU for what you are 'not' doing 'well enough' for her, by their standards, all while sitting in their armchairs clucking their tongues. I had 2 cousins doing that to me while they lived in NY and I lived in Colorado and had mom living in AL & then Memory Care AL. My one cousin would call mom all the time and tell her "Oh it's so sad you're living in a HOME and you should come live with ME in NY." When mom would tell me these stories, I'd tell her, "Great idea mom, have Barbara come pick you up IMMEDIATELY, but make sure to remind her you'll need medical transport b/c you're in a wheelchair, on oxygen, and won't be able to live anywhere in her home but on the main level. So she'll need to do a full remodel of her 4 level home." All Barbara wanted to do was point out how "I" was a "bad daughter" for 'putting mom in a home' and 'she was a good niece' for 'inviting her to live in her home' when the whole thing was a big charade anyway. Talk is cheap. Tell your armchair critics to put their money where their mouth is and come take care of Auntie THEMSELVES if they don't like how you're doing it. That will shut them up in short order.

Then tell Auntie you'll visit her on X day each week or month, and that's it. Take X amount of phone calls from her and let the ALF do the job she's paying a lot of money for them TO do for her each month. Hopefully you are not contributing any of YOUR money towards HER care. You'll need it for your own senior days when they get here.

You are not a gopher or a personal hand maiden for your aunt, so get that message across to her asap. Do what you need to do for her, and let the rest of it all GO. Ignore the calls and messages from the armchair critics, after you tell them to STEP UP and take over your job, if they don't like how you're doing it.

The end.

Wishing you the very best of luck taking care of yourself now, b/c you deserve to!

Yes.
Simply tell the person “You are welcome to take over as POA for ALL of her care. Otherwise i do not wish ti hear your comments.”

Your predicament has happened because you permitted it to happen, and you, and only you can extricate yourself.

OF COURSE the “loving relatives” X hundred miles away benefit from your efforts, as does your aunt.

But if you aren’t willing to say “No, I’m not able to do that”, to turn off your phone and check it only once a day, to treat yourself properly because of the kindness you’ve extended to Aunt (and presumably the rest of her vocal but nonfunctioning
pack), and MOST IMPORTANT, to let any and all comments/criticisms/“opinions” of the non-worker busy bodies roll off you and fall wherever they may, YOU NEED to seize those rights and play by your own rules.

Consider- what will happen if you STOP allowing yourself to be made your cousins’ tool/whipping target.

No reason for this except your reluctance to rock the boat.

Your peace is more important than the opinion of absent voices from far away.

Reclaim it. See how good it feels to ignore/silence/tune out “the voices”.

YOU DESERVE IT.

I am not certain what you mean by they have "backed away". Do you mean they are not visiting her? Perhaps they feel that she is not benefiting from their visits. Why not ask them if why, and ask them gently for their honesty with you, if honestly you care to know this.
Your title for this, however is disturbing to me, because people offer up too much of their own opinion, usually, when it is accepted. The best way to make it stop is to stop it right in its tracks. If a comment is made to your that is inappropriate tell the person so. If they are giving you input you don't want, tell them so. If they are overstepping their boundaries as friends, neighbors, family members, tell them so. If this is a problem you are having from more than a few people then there is some way you may be contributing to it. You may be asking for advice and opinions of others.
So practice the following: "I am doing the best I can and I really don't appreciate your advice."
As you can imagine you can elaborate on this all you wish. Start a practice journal. Write what someone has said, and then write your response. Make it fun.
"I am doing the best I can; your advice is not helpful. As you can imagine, you are not alone in knowing how to make this all perfect. If I had a penny for everyone who knew the answer better than I did I could hire on full time help."
You may get back "I am only trying to help. " If you get this say "Great. Buy us a bag of groceries the next time you shop; be certain it included a bottle of good red wine".

As my daughter says "turn it back on them". If they say "you could do more" you could say "at this time I can't but if you would like to help I would love to have to have it.

Or "if you think you can do a better job I will turn Moms care over to you"

I could've written this except about my dad and not an aunt. Currently in crisis mode after a bad fall and now rehab and trying to figure out how to pay for him to be in SNF. He is immobile now and has Parkinsons and a host of other issues. I am an only child, mom is gone for 6 yrs now, and I am at end of rope with dad. Neither planned for any long-term care - when they both had strokes 2 weeks apart in 2015, I had to do it all, POA papers, even their wills. My dad was horrible with money and has nothing left now but SS and VA that I got for him. So now my husband and I will have to be the ones to clean out a huge house full of junk and sell it quickly so we can fund his SNF, which he's mad about. He'll be 90 on a couple weeks. He has 2 meddling cousins who think I am a horrible daughter, and have never once offered to help but give their opinions all the time. Otherwise, he's outlived everyone else in his family, so it's just me.

I don't really have advice but wanted to say how much I can relate to the frustration and the feeling of burnout that comes with this. Plus all the anger and resentment, followed by guilt for feeling that way. The best advice I can give is take care of yourself. I have an apt with a therapist next week, and I wish I'd done it sooner. I am hoping it helps.

Also I blocked the meddling cousins from contacting me or my dad on phones, social media, email. It's a nice feeling. If people aren't being helpful and only critical, why let that negativity in? Something to think about to help your sanity. Good luck, this is really, really hard and no one should have a say in what you're doing to help your aunt, when they've not been in your shoes.

You can absolutely resign as POA.

You should NOT be paying anything for her out of your money.

I would do a resignation letter and hand it to the social worker at her AL. Give them the cousins number.

They will do an emergency guardianship if she is unable to take care of things.

Then block your browbeating cousin from being able to contact you.

What they are both doing is taking advantage and you don't have to accept that.