I have invited my mother to my home several times over the years. She always says that she likes to stay at home. Fair enough but she never refuses an invitation to my brother's house. I asked her to come to a BBQ that I was doing for my nephew this Saturday just gone. She refused but told me that she was going to a BBQ at my brother's house on the Sunday. She told me that I was invited to this BBQ but I had to bring along some food. I had no communication from my brother or his partner until the time when they were cooking the food and said they hoped that I could make it.
I live alone and feel constantly not good enough and excluded as any invitations to social gatherings are either not forthcoming or are issued via my mother.
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She's sweet and all--but we're having one of these get-togethers on Friday, temps expected to be in the 90's. There sits a 7000sf home with AC and we will be sweating it out on the patio.
Another acquaintance of mine is fine to have people over, but her place is filthy beyond belief and she has 3 grandkids and 2 huge dogs and a couple cats in a 1000-sf basement apartment.
I CAN'T go into my mom's for longer than about 1/2 hr. She has birds she can't care for so there are feathers and dander and moths all over the place. I'm sick within 30 minutes.
Often it's just the surroundings. A really messy, disorganized home will make me run for the hills. (And my new house is currently VERY disorganized as we await the contractors to finish. Making me crazy.)
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How could a bunch of strangers possibly know the answer? It could be anything from "she doesn't like you" to "your house smells like cat urine."
I never understand questions like this, and they occur at an amazing frequency. People are so afraid to communicate with their nearest relations -- it's mind-boggling.
As others have said, he is the Golden Boy. She is the type of mother who is crazy about her son, but sees her daughter as a servant. These mothers are never happy with their daughters... and then they don't understand why the daughter doesn't want to care for mother in her old age.
She lets you do some caregiving and maintenance. But when it comes to spending time with you? Nah. In her view, that's not why you're here. You're here to do for her, not socialize. She wants to socialize with the Golden Boy. If you're around her for any other reason besides helping, then she has little use for you. Sounds like brother feels the same way.
This isn't your fault. Mom sounds like she has some deeper mental issues. You could flat out ask why she feels how she does. But she likely won't give you a straight answer. If anything tell her (or brother) that you feel excluded. Might not change anything, but at least they'll know how you feel.
You are almost describing my Mum to a T/ She simply does not like girls. As far as she is concerned unless I am doing chores I am a waste of space.
I discovered after my marriage ended, that she was coming over to the house to have coffee with my EX on a regular basis. I was working 6 days a week to keep the bills paid. On my one day off she would offer to come over and help me do chores, not socialize, not have a chat. Gee all those days she was drinking coffee with the deadbeat, how come she did not get him off his arse and dong chores?
My bother is most certainly the golden child for both my parents.
You told another responder that you DID ask your Mother.
So now could I ask what your Mother responded to you when you asked her?
Are you prepared for "mission creep" as your mother's needs increase? Have you set any boundaries with her? And how much time a week does your help take up? AND you take care of your nephew on the weekends?! Do you have any time to yourself? Are you being compensated for childcare?
Make sure you don't have a spare room, either, because there is a very good possibility that the expectation will be that YOU either move in with her or move her into your home.
What kind of caregiving do you do for your mother now? How much time does it take?
Your profile says, "I am caring for my mother, living at home with age-related decline, arthritis, cancer, heart disease, and vision problems." You also state that you do most of the caregiving.
Why do you do the caregiving? And what's going to happen when Mama can't live in her own house any longer? Are you going to be the one to move in? Or is Mama going to live with her?
Wouldn't it be great if Golden Boy takes Mama to live with him in his house when she can't stay in her own house any longer? Why not prepare for that by letting him do more of the (or, heck, ALL of the!) caregiving now?
DH felt he needed to tell his mom, IDK why, but after that, she wouldn't step foot in our house.
(He developed Primary Liver Cancer from the HCV and did have a liver transplant (16 years ago) and also did Harvoni and no longer has HCV--but this didn't make any difference to MIL--our house was 'tainted' and somehow, IDK how, it was all my fault.)
I asked her once why she wouldn't come to our house anymore and she (almost gleefully) told me that it was 'filthy'.
I've never wanted to talk about it with her. At least she was honest. Hurtful, but honest.
And how do you know that your mother never refuses an invitation to your brother's house?
Whose child is the nephew for whom you arranged the BBQ on the Saturday?
Answering your initial question is obviously impossible. Perhaps you're a truly terrible cook. Perhaps you live a lot further away from your mother than your brother does, or parking near your house is a complete pig, or your sister in law always picks your mother up. How could we possibly know?
Clearly some family members do visit you at your home, assuming your nephew turned up for his BBQ. Is it just your mother who steers clear?
I'm not sure what sort of responses you would find helpful or encouraging. I can guess that you are fed up and hurt by whatever has happened this last week. What would make you feel better about it?
You might also consider a family discussion about mother’s plans for long term care.
I know, you hate to make a big thing out of it by saying something, because then any invitation after u do won't mean anything. I may, though, when talking to ur brother, ask him not to go thru Mom if he is inviting you over. How close are u to brothers wife? Is she someone who you feel free to ask this question and she will be honest with you. You have to be ready for honest?
Me, I chose to let it go. After the Christmas thing I was not going back to her house again anyway. I know if I had treated her family like she treated me, my Mom would have said something. Just before Moms Dementia got bad she said something about me and SIL. I asked why didn't she say anything to SIL. She said she didn't want to get involved. That time my family was too many people I got very upset and my Mom showed no sympathy. Didn't say anything to SIL but if the tables had been turned, I would have heard it.
Sorry, unless you ask Mom directly you may never know. And if you do, don't be surprised if your told your too sensitive. Make a life without Mom. Continue to invite her, when she says no say Ok and let it go. Maybe after a while you just stop inviting.
Really, there is no other way to learn the truth but to ask.