My ill husband wants to remain on an isolated island and I need help getting him to move with me. Any advice?

It's the common situation, just lookes different because of the island location complication:
Age in Place or Move.
Resist change or embrace it.

If the Husband can live independently on the island.. OK. (Well not really OK, possibly a poor decision, but he *could*).

However, if he needs a caregiver, he must;
1. Hire help to come to him - to enable him to stay at the island, or
2. Move to where other help can be provided.

This approach makes it all about HIM. (Which he is doing).

There is NO commandment or marriage vow that insists his Wife be his hands-on caregiver. Or that she live where he demands. The OP's health needs mean she will not be living on the island. So he must deal with that reality.

So he stays: at his peril, without his Wife.
Or goes: to live with his Wife.

Truth chat.
I would ask him what really matters to him? To be on that island? To die there?
Or have a nice outlook wherever he lands instead?

Then intervention.
Find a third party (a Doctor, a friend, a church/faith leader if appropriate) to spell this out to him again in clear basic blunt honesty.

If there seems no comprehension, no break of his denial to even start discussing.. it's time for more intervention.

To have him medically assessed. Is this selfishness? Or cognitive impairement? (Did I read Parkinson's? Red flag there). All these factors would shape my direction as to leaving him there or forcing his removal.

I can understand the *ideal* of wanting to spend out my days on a beautiful peaceful island. But if my plan burdened my spouse, I would need to rethink my plan. Make compromises & creative a new plan that suited us BOTH - or suffer the consequences of going solo.

There's always legal separation or divorce. Perhaps filing for one or the other would wake him up. If the assets are split, that means you have a chance of living more easily on your own, and he might not be able to keep the island.

Vancouver Island is not some god forsaken island.
It is one of the most beautiful places in Canada.
Lots of well heeled seniors live there, health care is available.
OP problem is husband wants to go to more remote part, living in Victoria or even Nanaimo would be easier.
My understanding is they still reside in USA.

I think you should have your DH evaluated for cognitive impairment, personally. He's not taking YOUR health into consideration at all, and a lack of empathy is a hallmark of dementia. It's all fine and well to have a desire to live life in a certain way. But, when the quality of a spouse's life is THIS impaired, it's not okay and one should strive to find a reason for the intensity of stubbornness involved in having one's own way, at the expense of another's wellbeing. I find the whole situation highly suspicious for dementia myself.

However this diagnosis plays out, I'd issue your DH an ultimatum: we either move off of this God-forsaken island or I move off of it ALONE. I'm not going to die on this island b/c you love living here. Period. That is incredibly unreasonable of him to expect such a thing, or to sit idly by and watch his beloved wife suffer like this! UNACCEPTABLE.

Best of luck taking your OWN health into consideration now.

Your husband is not automatically nuts or suffering from dementia. Believe it or not, we had a family friend who owned an island and did many similar things. His island was off the coast of Haiti, only accessible by small boat, and there was no dock at either end of the trip. That meant that he would go down there and ride the boat into shore on the waves. At 88 years old.

Thirty years ago that boat caught a wave and landed on his wife, breaking her hip, and she had to fly back to the U.S. sitting up and walking on board under her own power, or they wouldn't have let her fly. She was never able to walk properly again, and she was in her early 60s then.

Her husband never gave up on that stupid island, and he traveled there annually for 6-8 weeks at a time. His wife declined to participate after a few trips. I'm sure Bill would have been happy to live out his days on that sand spit, but his body gave out when he was at home, thank goodness.

You are not required to sacrifice your health and safety and acquiesce to your husband's whims. It's time for his come-to-Jesus moment where you MAKE the decision (not ask) to move to a stable, safe location and invite him to come along - or not. I have a feeling he'll choose you.

You should look first into healthcare in BC, unless something changed, if he is long time resident of USA, he will not qualify for medical in Canada right away.
Being citizen of the country is different than resident, you can be citizen of many countries, but, technically resident of one, there are exceptions like he could be deemed resident.

I am so sorry that you have this stress. Does Cananda have Adult Protection Services that can go in and eval his situation? I so feel for you. I have a stubborn one too. Pretty easy going on the most part but will stick to his guns when he thinks he is right. We have discussed nursing homes. He wants no part of them. I told him if the time comes he needs care, I will do it until I can't. He weighs 200# and I am 5ft with no upper body strength. I am 73 to his soon to be 76. I think the traumatic experience he had in the hospital when he was about 5 is why he feels this way. Back then parents were not allowed to spend the night.

Hope you start feeling yourself again. Happy Thanksgiving and keep us updated. We love updates.

Hello everyone and thank each one of you for taking the time to reply with such helpful and thoughtful suggestions.

My absence is due to three severe illnesses and three stays in hospital! One illness resulted in two ruptured eardrums and total hearing loss in left ear and forty percent in right ear. Currently fighting some sort of strep throat!

My husband is Canadian-American and has citizenship in both and is native Canadian. I understand why he wants to stay on the island but as one doctor here in the States said to me, “I am not sure what you have been doing for the last five years, but it’s killing you!”

Just recently started Rituxan infusions, eight hours at a time and have high hopes. Recovery from pneumonia in both lungs has been slow and difficult and now strep throat.

I know how lucky I am with our two sons and their families putting up with me and being so supportive but never meant to be gone for so long. Just yesterday, I received an email from the Meal Delivery Program I had arranged for him that he cancelled it because he does not need this!

We have had gentle talks and discussed options but are at a crossroads here. He refuses to even move into one of the nice cities: Courtenay or Comox or Nanaimo or even Victoria. Now that he is sixty-five, there are services that help with travel to doctors’ visits and prescriptions delivery and shopping. We pay for a nice lady to clean our house once a week

Hopefully soon I will be able to travel back to British Columbia and truly address these issues. He has always been strong willed and stubborn and his dream was to return home and never leave again. There isn’t any way we can support two houses, and the cost of living in the DC area and British Columbia means one household! Of course medical care is free in BC just being so far away means long waits and trips!

We all have noticed a sort of vague and scatter brained attitude recently but his failing heart and COPD cause that a lot.

Again, thank you all so much!

BluegrassGirl: Perchance neither of you (you were in the hospital) should live in a remote locale.

Seems like neither of you can live in a remote location for medical reasons. Ask your husband what he wants/needs most with a remote location and try to meet those needs in a place closer to a hospital,

Stick with the group honey.

Are you talking about his desire to move or actual move, which island, Vancouver Island? Which is great but so many medical procedures are not easily accessible.
If so I understand your concern, we struggle here to find specialists and waiting list is 8 months or more.

Each of us is entitled to our own opinions and, if not mentally impaired, the right to choose how we live and die. I believe your husband has let you know what this plans are. You can request a 72 hour psych eval stay to determine if he is capable of making his own decisions and then you can force him into treatment or let go.

"His desire was to return to Canada and live on an island."

Is husband Canadian and lived and worked in the US on a greencard? If he worked in the US does not matter if he is a US citizen or not, he can collect SS and Medicare.

"You will qualify for Medicare even if you are not a U.S. citizen if you qualify to receive or currently receive Social Security retirement benefits, Railroad Retirement Benefits (RRB), or Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI). In any of these cases, you will qualify for premium-free Part A. You will owe a premium for Part B."

I think its time for DH to realize that you and he need more help than is available on an island. Stress does not help your RA. Your son has seen you can't do this caring. Seems like you have some support with this son so need to be near him. I would see a lawyer to see what your options are.

Presumably your son(s) have also made arrangements for your husband to be cared for while you're away, yes?

And where are you living at the moment?

I believe you are where you should be now if you are well and happy here. Your husband's idea of where and how to retire sounds to me a bit fantastical magical thinking if he has been suffering illness. I cannot imagine the anxiety you must have on a normal daily basis. I would stay right where you are.
Now we come down to long term choices.
I would tell my husband you are staying where your son is. I would tell son that and I would work on some division of assets with an attorney if that is needed and make son my POA. You can decide if you want ALF or if you want Independent living facility, or a small apartment near your son.
Might I ask, if hubby is generally not well, who is caring for him now?
I sure wish you the best. I see no need to throw yourself and the remainder of your life on some sacrificial altar to your husband's poor decision making.
I sure wish you the best. Welcome to the Forum and hope you will stick around, ask and answer and join the group.

Is he cognitively impaired? Does he have a medical diagnosis of incapacity? If not then he gets to make his own decisions and no one can force him to move. That’s how it is in the States.

If you aren’t a US citizen you may not qualify for Medicaid if you ever need financial help paying for your care. Or Medicare health coverage.